SANDS

SANDS, or Stillbirth And Neo-Natal Death Society, puts the stats for stillbirths much higher than the bereavement midwife gave us. They say that (in the UK) 1 in every 100 pregnancies results in a stillbirth, or death of a baby within 4 weeks of births. 1 in every 100!! Of those, half of all stillbirths are unexplained. Half!

Tonight I find myself back at the 'Would Zoe still be alive if I'd only...?' stage. Not in the second-guessing myself kind of way though. It's weird, and hard to explain. This time, it's much more gentle, and more out of a wondering about the reasons for her death. So the fact that half of all stillbirths are unexplained is not very comforting tonight.

I've been reading some of the stories posted by other loss parents (what an awful term!) on the SANDS website. While I don't want to ring the helpline or chat to any of their volunteers, I did find myself saying 'that's exactly how it was for me too!' to the stuff I was reading. Things I'd forgotten (already!) from the moments when we first found out her heart had stopped, to moments during the labour. Needless to say, I had to stop reading after a few, because I was in floods of tears again, and I'm not sure I'm actually ready to share others' pain, even if it is the same as mine.

While I have needed and appreciated the love and support of friends and family, reading these stories made me feel understood. It made me realise that no-one can really understand what I feel except someone who has been to this particular hell. It's funny how you can know something basic like that in your head, but when you actually experience that spark of connection with someone else (even just from reading their words) and the fact you know becomes the fact you experience, suddenly you 'know' it in your heart; and it's funny how head knowledge doesn't have a patch on heart knowledge.

If you can stomach it, I'd really recommend that you browse the stories written about Pax and Joseph (http://uk-sands.org and click on support, poems and stories, shared experiences, stillbirth), and the songs 'Sweet Little Child of Mine" and "Yellow Rosebuds" (http://uk-sands.org and click on support, to read and listen to, SANDS cd). They express in so many ways what I haven't been able to put into words.