It's relatively common, I would have thought, that when people stop moving in the same circles their friendship drifts apart. That's what happened to us. With our kids moving in completely different social and extra-mural circles, and with them no longer having a car, we had to make more of an effort to see them - which we did, initially. They made the decision to leave our church following a series of horrible incidents (not through the church, I hasten to add, but in their home and personal lives) that resulted in my friend developing a serious anxiety disorder which left her unable to leave her house for more than a few minutes at a time.
I know I wasn't the greatest of friends to her at the time - I really didn't know how to respond to her, because initially every attempt I made was rebuffed. It was only later that she explained to me that she'd developed anxiety and how it affected her, but by that time I'd interpreted the situation to be that she no longer wanted to be friends. I also know that while her life slowed down, mine became busier as my kids extra-murals, work and church life became busier. I made a real effort to take her out for coffee - just the two of us, to try to reconnect. I apologised for not being there when she needed me. But I think it was all too little, too late.
As I said, it's not uncommon for friends to drift apart, but does that mean the friendship is over? I'm not sure. I have colleagues I've worked with who became good friends, but with whom I have limited contact now. Yet, when we do reconnect, there's no doubt that we still love and care for each other, and are still friends. My friends back in the UK are people I rarely see other than on Facebook now, yet I have no doubt that were they to come here, or were I to visit there, our friendship would continue. We don't stop being friends just because we no longer chat or see each other. Right?
I've made peace with the fact that, as a teacher, the rhythms of my life revolve around term time. Unless I see my friends when we're both attending a kids' event - sport or birthday parties, or school plays, or whatever - or at church, during term time I barely see them. There's very little time left between my kids, home, family (both G and I have large families), work and church. Because most of my friends have kids of school-going age, they get it. There's no animosity about it, or feeling abandoned - we just accept that that's how it is, and we plan to see each other during holidays when we have more time.
Yesterday, after 8 years, this friend phoned me to to let me know she no longer wants to be friends, and to ask me to please stop contacting her and her family. It was the most surreal conversation I've ever had.
We are very different individuals, which is what I really loved about our friendship. She helped me to see things in a completely different light. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe what I valued most about her friendship was what she brought into my life, rather than valuing her. I didn't always agree with her decisions, or her theology, but I didn't judge her for them - I hadn't lived through the trials she had. And maybe I wasn't open enough with her about that, and she interpreted my silence as judgement, and maybe she felt she needed to live up to some standard she thought I was holding her to.
Still, I was perplexed that she felt she needed to cut all ties with me. Her comment was that when we met up or chatted, she felt she was being fake with me, and she didn't want to do that anymore. She said she'd been having nightmares about it. I'll be honest - that hurt. It hurt because we had promised each other, back when I went to apologise and make amends, that we would be honest with each other about where we were at and what we each needed. It means that she either lied to me then, or had been lying to me since then.
I know our friendship has drifted. That's life; sad, but true. I know we are very different individuals and that what she needed in a friend I wasn't able to provide. But was it necessary to be as explicit as calling an end to the friendship and asking to cut all ties? That seems really dramatic to me.
And yet, if that's what she needs, or wants, then I'm not going to refuse her. Why would I want to cause her more pain than I already have? Maybe being explicit, while painful now, is the best solution in the long term. Maybe firmly closing this chapter is the right thing to do. I guess I'll only know the answer to that in time.
On the flip side, lockdown has brought me new friends. Just this morning we and our neighbours spent two hours on our driveways, having morning tea together and chatting about life, the universe, and everything. It was amazing! Lockdown has given us the opportunity to get to know the people living right on our doorstep. We had started to build friendships with those on our doorstep a while back, but lockdown has given us the opportunity to really build on that foundation, and speed up the development of our friendship. We've had meals together on our driveway, watched movies together (separately... pushed play at the same time on Netflix or DSTV, and then chatted on whatsapp while the movie played), played online games together, chatted over the fence between our gardens. It's been a very special time. Maybe these friendships, forged in hardship, will still be strong and vibrant when life goes back to normal. Maybe, when real life pressures intrude once again, they'll fade too. But for now, I treasure this time we have together, and I'm grateful for the amazing friends living right on our doorstep.
