Do not go gentle into that good night

My mother has Alzheimer’s. So did my gran, and my great-gran. I was a teenager through my gran’s Alzheimer’s, and she died while I was in my 20s. Watching my gran deteriorate and having to look after her was horrid...

I had patience to answer the same question 5 or 10 times, but after the gazillionth time, I had no patience left, so would simply leave the room or the house, and abandon my mother to deal with it. Having to care for her once her sleep patterns were gone was exhausting. She would sleep during the day and be awake at night. We would find her switching on the stove in the middle of the night and then forgetting it was on, or trying to leave the house and go shopping (while undressing herself on the driveway). Even having a night nurse to care for her, to give us a chance to sleep, didn’t work very well, because my gran would frequently have a negative reaction to the nurse, becoming angry and then violent.

So when my mom was diagnosed, I was shattered. Not only did I know the manner in which I would lose my mother, but I wasn’t sure how I would be able to handle her decline. (And at the back of my mind was the fear that this is how I too will end my life...and that my kids and husband will have to care for me while I become increasingly confused, angry and violent... Rage, rage against the dying of the light...)

Yet, oddly, I find I currently have patience to answer the same question endlessly without getting upset or annoyed. I find myself telling stories I know she will forget in 5 minutes, because I know it gives her pleasure to have a ‘normal’ conversation. Where, as a teenager, I couldn’t bear to be with my gran, now I find myself eager to spend time with my mom.

Maybe the difference is that I am older. Maybe it’s that this time around the person affected is my mother. Maybe it’s that this time around I am more Christ-like than I was as a teenager. Whatever it is, I am grateful that I am able to show my mother love, care and appreciation while she is still able to accept and appreciate it. I know that won’t always be the case.

I guess the lesson is to always make the most of every day, and to tell the people you love that you love them, because there are no guarantees in life. When someone is gone, it’s too late to spend time with them, too late to tell them you love them, too late to talk, too late to share an experience, too late, too late, too late. In a way, I’m glad my mother was diagnosed - it made me realize that the time I have left with her is short. I wish I’d been less wrapped up in my own day-to-day busyness of raising children and work and chores around the house. I wish I’d made more of the time we had while she was still active and fully present. But at least I have this time with her now.

Don’t let someone’s funeral or memorial be the time when you learn who that person really is. Don’t let their funeral be the time when you turn to one another and say ‘I wish I’d spent more time with them.’ Don’t let the only time you see family or friends be at the funeral of another family member or friend. What does it matter if the house isn’t clean, or the lawn isn’t mowed? What does it matter if your clothes aren’t ironed, or that book isn’t read? What does it matter, when compared to the incomparably short time we have left on this earth? What matters in eternity is not whether the chores got done, but whether we loved others in action (and not just in words or sentiment). Do not go gentle into that good night. Wear purple  Tick off the items on your bucket list. Spend time with the people you love, because in the blink of an eye either they, or you, will be gone, and it will be too late.

Things I have learnt from... car guards

On one of our local radio stations, they regularly ask people to message in their answers to a question they pose on a random topic. Yesterday the question was about car guards. Car guards are, I think, a uniquely South African thing.

They are people who guard cars from vandals, help with pushing your trolley and loading your shopping into your car, and try to direct you out of the parking bay as you reverse (usually standing in the way of the car and being a danger to themselves, in my experience) in exchange for whatever spare cash you may have. They may also offer a car washing service if they are particularly proactive. They are usually part of the informal sector - i.e. they appoint themselves - and some are not much more than glorified beggars. In the worst case scenarios, if you fail to tip them, they scratch your car as you drive away. Because of their nuisance factor, over the last decade or so many shopping centres have started appointing their own car guards, who have official bibs to identify them.

The radio station’s question was what people thought of car guards - were they offering a useful service, or were they just a nuisance? I was surprised that over 80% of those who called or messaged the studio were in favor of them. I have an intense dislike of them - not of any particular individual, just of having to be hassled by people whose services I neither desire nor need. I don’t know whether people who feel the way I do simply didn’t air their opinion, or whether that straw poll indicates that I am very much out of step with popular opinion, but it got me thinking about things.

I realized that it’s not just car guards that I dislike. I have a natural suspicion about people, bar a few circumstances. Sadly, I realized that my instinctual reaction to people is that they are out to get something from me, or to harm me in some way, so I walk around with a heightened background “noise” of suspicion, fear and anger towards others.

This is not how Jesus calls us to live - he calls us to love everyone - even our enemies. So how do I reconcile my seemingly innate reactions with this call on my life? I started by trying to determine why it is that I feel the way I do about people. I don’t know that I have a complete understanding yet, but I definitely found a few pointers.

Growing up under Apartheid, I imbibed the lie about the “swart gevaar”. Strangers, particularly those of colour (who, let’s be honest, are the only car guards I’ve seen). The lie is that “those people” ARE out to get me, and will not only steal from me at the first opportunity, but are also looking for ways to kill me. Of course, there is also the massive discrepancy between me, someone who HAS (a job, a car, a brick house that easily accommodates my family, sanitation and plumbing in said house, electricity, a university education, food in my cupboards/ fridge/ freezer), and those beggars and car guards, who are part of the populace of HAVE NOTS in the country. Faced with them on a daily basis is emotionally exhausting as I try to hold back my white guilt so that I’m not perpetually overwhelmed. Displaying anger (whether in tone of voice, or body/ facial language) is a pretty good way to make people keep their distance from you. Just don’t make eye contact....

I also have a strong reaction to adverts and salespeople - they really are out to get something from me. Somehow my assumption when anyone stops me (in the shopping centre, at the traffic lights, etc.) is that they are either a salesperson, or worse. I’m not sure where this comes from, but it’s a pretty strong reaction - even to print adverts, or adverts at the start of videos on YouTube, or in the side banners on social media. I think it’s a reaction to the feeling that I’m being manipulated in some way, because I’m generally quite ornery when I think I’m being manipulated or told what to think/ do/ feel.

Thinking back on just today, it occurred to me that working with teenagers is probably also a contributing factor. Teenagers are constantly pushing the boundaries, and can be very confrontational.  As I deal with a lot of discipline issues on a daily basis (I’m a grade head and manage the school’s discipline admin), I guess that I have become hardened and assume that any interaction I am going to have with a student is going to be one of confrontation, where I’m on the receiving end of a lot of aggression; not to mention that my assumption is always that I’m being lied to all the time, because much of the time I am being lied to.

Even knowing all of this, I think there is a deeper issue at play here though: selfishness. I have always been a selfish, greedy person. So, I suppose that my suspicion of others stems, ultimately, from my selfishness. I don’t want anyone else to take my stuff, or even get what might potentially be mine one day. While outwardly I applaud the success of others, inwardly my jealousy seethes - why them and not me? This is me at my ugliest, and most unsanctified. This is the person Jesus came to save and redeem. In his words - it’s not the healthy who need a doctor: it’s the sick!

I was sick and dying in my sin, in my selfishness, in my hatred and anger and fear, BUT JESUS stepped into history to save me. Thank God! That’s not to say that, now that I’m saved, I’m perfect or have everything sorted. Far from it! But at least now I have hope that as I grapple with the ugly side of me, I will find freedom. I will be set free from the worst of me. Not only is there grace to cover me, but there is love that will transform me, from one degree of glory to the next. Even as I identify the evil in my heart, already God has reached out to help me deal with it, if I will but grasp His hand. I doubt this is something that will be fixed overnight. Rather, I think this is part of an on-going conversation I’ll be having with God, and that the healing will be gradual.