Milestones??

On Sunday we went to church. We purposely arrived late and sat right at the back so that we wouldn't have to talk to people for a while. It was an all-age service, which meant the kids were in for the entire service. That was okay, as I don't think I would've wanted Nellie to be out of sight in the creche (plus one of us would have had to have been with her because she still doesn't settle there without us...).

The sermon was good - all about what it means for Jesus to be king - nothing too emotional. I found the worship really tough - not because I couldn't acknowledge God as all-powerful king, but because doing so means letting go of Zoe in some ways. Graeme didn't manage to engage at all with any of it as he was running around after Nellie. Tea after the service was ok. Mostly people were lovely - neither too caught up in their own grief nor too distant from ours. There were a few people who kept their distance that we had hoped would say something, but there was only one person whose expression of grief I felt I had to manage. The rest were just amazing.

So, all in all, a tough morning, but not a bad one. At least now we've seen a chunk of the church members, which should make the Easter service easier, and should make the funeral easier too, as it won't be the first time we're seeing people. One milestone (if you can call it that) down...

Another milestone was going to meet Ella. She's gorgeous - looks just like her parents! (But if you know her parents you know there's no way she could be anything but gorgeous as they are both very good-looking people!) Seeing her was a lot easier than either of us expected it to be. We had thought we would need to weep, but that wasn't the case. For me, there were only one or two moments where I felt a pang (and caught myself thinking about how I wasn't going to have that problem/ feeling/ bond for at least another year), but nothing overwhelming, thank God. Having a cuddle was very special - there is something so incredible, so holy, about newborns.... I don't know if you truly appreciate that when it's your child. I think you're just too tired and wrung out. I certainly wasn't as aware of it with Nellie, or with Zoe, as I was with Ella. Odd. Anyway, we were really able to celebrate her, and celebrate with her parents, and that was very special too.

It felt odd being the experienced ones though and seeing them struggle with all the issues that first-time parents have (sleep??? what's that??? when will my milk come in?? is she feeding enough?? why won't she stop crying?? how do you hold her??... etc, etc, etc). I can remember how out of my depth I felt, and it was great to be able to reassure them both that while this first week is tough, things get progressively easier.

On the Nellie front, things have been up and down. After we got the news about Ella on Saturday, and had spent the rest of the day feeling devastated, Nellie was extremely anxious on Sunday. Fortunately, she had a really good day with the child minder on Monday, so was much happier last night and again today.

I can't remember whether I've blogged that she's started eating raisins (finally!! some fruit that she really enjoys - she's gone off whole pieces of any other fruit, and isn't wild about pureed fruit either anymore). Needless to say, in an effort to get fruit into her, she's now got a runny tummy.... hmm. Maybe Mommy is getting over-excited about the raisins.

She also said another word the other day - yodit - meaning yoghurt. So cute! She's learnt to make the sign for 'more', which means that we have another way of checking if she's still hungry towards the end of mealtimes. And she's started trying to communicate to us when she's done a poo!! She's also starting to learn the sign for 'nappy', which will help with this. Potty training here we come... in a little while. Let's get through the funeral first, then we'll hang on a bit longer for the warmer weather to become more predictable before we venture forth into this next phase of toddlerhood.

So - there are things still worth celebrating, even in the midst of all the pain and confusion, and we're trying to keep focussed on those things when we can. It helps with the pain; makes it slightly more bearable.

Tomorrow my mom arrives from SA, after about 25 hours of travel. (The cheapest flights always go via, via, via... with lay overs of several hours between connections.) It's going to be FANTASTIC having her here with us, but she's going to be too exhausted to think for a day or two I suspect! Funny how, even now as an adult, when things go wrong, all I want is my Mommy!!