The real meaning of life vs happiness

I was listening to 'Thought for the day' on the radio this morning. The Rev. who spoke was talking about the difference between pursuing the meaning of life and pursuing happiness, with reference to the shooting at the US university yesterday, in which 32 people have died.

He quoted some philosopher (and of course I wasn't listening properly, so I don't know who it was) as saying that everyday is a scroll and on it we should write whatever we want to be remembered for. The Rev. summed up by saying, in every day, do whatever is necessary to give your life both meaning and happiness.

While I think that's commendable, I don't know how to restore meaning or happiness to my life. I don't know what things I can do that will make me feel happy. It's not that I haven't felt happy since Zoe's death, because I have, and I have laughed till I cried. It's just that I can't think of anything that would particularly make me happy.

Worse though, I have no sense of purpose, and everything I think of doing to restore that sense of purpose feels utterly pointless. Again, it's not that I don't have a purpose, because caring for Nellie is definitely a purpose to get up/ clean the flat/ do the laundry/ go shopping/ have a shower/ get dressed, it's just that none of that makes me feel purposeful, and neither does pursuing any other activity.

Grieving sucks.

I've started thinking about volunteering again, and thinking about where I might get involved. I was thinking that the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home would be great - you don't have to explain yourself to animals and dogs, in particular, are empathetic. Not only is working with animals theraputic for me, but right now I know the pain that rescue animals feel which would make me more empathetic to them. However, they're not recruiting at the moment, and their vetting and training time would probably mean we'd be on a plane to SA by the time they think I'm ready to help out anyway. Never the less, I've applied. You never know.

Other than that, I was thinking that I might volunteer somewhere with children... then again, maybe not - too emotionally draining. Maybe a few hours a week at the Besom Warehouse... Anyway, I haven't decided yet, but I need something to get me out of bed on the days when Nellie's not here.