Laugh a little with me

"Netflix and chill. Because who can afford a TV licence and heating?" Aatif Nawaz

"You know when you're interrogating a fish? Don't bother with the holding the head under water bit." Seymour Mace

"If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead." Olaf Falafel

It's the end of term and, to be honest, I could use a good laugh right about now. This term wasn't much longer than the others, but gosh it has felt it!

Having been such a hectic one, I wanted to take some time to reflect back on why it has been so overwhelming. After all, this year was supposed to be better than last. This was supposed to be the year when I achieved better balance, when I reached the end of the year without having suffered burn-out. So what happened?

Probably the biggest curve ball I've had this year has been my health. I had an op at the end of May (to repair a stomach valve that wasn't working - nothing too hectic), but that was quickly followed by glandular fever. Yeah. That. And it's left me with prolonged fatigue - which is not good for teachers. Of course, I didn't know I'd had it until I eventually went to the doc weeks later, trying to figure out why I was still so utterly exhausted and he gave me a blood test. In between that, I've been struggling with a rotator cuff problem, and could really only use one arm for several weeks.

So, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry! My plans of getting fit and trim this year started off well, but have died a slow death since the end of May. I'm trying not to feel disheartened by the fact, but working up the energy right now to get back on the horse, as it were, is proving impossible.

This year I was going to be more intentional about having creative outlets. And I did - I was very good about doing some painting, and I've done a lot (well, for me anyway!) of crocheting, and I've even blogged a few times this year. But again, dealing with my post-GF fatigue has meant the very last thing I felt I had energy for was being creative. Most days this term I have crawled home, into bed, and pretty much stayed there. But this past week I've started to feel a return of energy. I've started thinking about doing something creative again. Who knows, maybe I will have enough energy to start making Christmas presents.... (it is only 12 weeks away, after all!)... nah! Who am I kidding?

Something I did get right this term though, is that I stepped out of going to cell group and did something I've wanted to for years - I went to help facilitate a group on Alpha. (For those who have done Alpha before, you might enjoy seeing the new films... I really did!) I love my cell group, and I have missed them, but I have equally loved being involved in Alpha again. There is something refreshing about being at the front lines, as it were, of God's Kingdom.

At work, this term I have been faced with a lot of pressure in the area of being a grade head. I have dealt with more discipline situations than I care to think about. I think I've been to, or involved in, 8 or 9 discipline hearings of one sort or another, in about 3 weeks. And by the grace of God, and with the help of my incredible co-grade head, the deputy, and the principal, I have come through them strongly. I feel I can walk away from this term with my head held high at a job well done. But, man-alive!, it has been such an exhausting process.

Another really difficult journey for me this term has been around my purpose. Having been deeply hurt by situations and people at work, at the end of last year I was desperate to leave. However, when I truly surrendered my life and future to God, He made it abundantly clear to me that He has a plan for me where I am, and that where I am is where I am meant to be. Getting my head around His 'no' has not been easy; it is never easy to hear a 'no' to your prayers.

Yet, it has also been such a good process. So much has come from it - a peace and contentment in knowing I'm in the right place, a joy in knowing that I can hear from God (still something I battle with after two big life events back in the 2000's), an excitement for the future to see what God is going to do in and through me, a sense of wonder that God thinks my faith is mature enough to handle His 'no' (which is not to imply that if it weren't God would have said yes), a deep and abiding sense of God's love for me, and healing in some of the relationships and situations that were broken. I can truly say I am grateful for the struggle I have been through.

There is one who has stood by me through this term, who has supported me this term, and loved me through some tough times. To my incredible husband, without whose sacrificial love, service and support it would not be possible for me to do what I do, I want to say I am deeply deeply grateful, and that I love you. You are the best friend and husband any woman could wish for. You are the rock that keeps me anchored and the wind that lifts my sails.

Of course, if I start counting the people who have stood by me this year, I need to acknowledge my kids too. There is nothing like a hug from them when I get home from a very hard day, or at the start of what I know will be a trying day, to bring the sunshine back into my world and remind me that work is not all there is in life. And my parents... I still need them and their support and love, and they still faithfully give that to me. I am eternally grateful to them for their continued love and support.

There is a season for everything under heaven. Now is the season to celebrate, and laugh - and laugh deeply - because I have made it to the end of this term! I am more than exhausted, but I am alive. I have been hard-pressed, but I am not crushed. I have been surrounded by enemies, but I have fought clear. I have been wounded, but I have survived. And this is all thanks to my God, whose everlasting arms are underneath, who has forgiven me and carried me and fought for me and provided for me and loved me unconditionally through it all. To God be the glory - great things He has done!

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

It's such a perfect day...

I'm glad I spent it with you... 

Oh, Such a perfect day

You just keep me hanging on

You just keep me hanging on...

You're going to reap just what you sow

(Reap, reap, reap) you're going to reap just what you sow...

I'm always amazed at how as I think about a title for a blog post, it often winds up being a line from a song. Lou Reed's Perfect Day seems the perfect song for today.

It's not often that I see a dream realised! What a perfect day this has been. 

Yes, the kids fought, and whined, and sulked and had tantrums at various points during the day. The adults too, if truth be told. And yes, I still seem to be battling some low grade viral infection. And yes, our hayfever has been horrendous and the wind today was not helpful. It wasn't perfect in that sense. However, it was the perfect day, because I saw the best of what this family is. Today, we had fun together and loved each other and enjoyed each other and were kind to each other.

Today...

~ Nellie offered, and Nathan accepted, her help to get him dressed

~ Nathan willingly shared his carrots with both Graeme and I

~ Nathan willingly helped Graeme do the dishes

~ Janel did her chores without moaning, immediately, and with such grace

~ neither of the kids moaned about being hungry (although they were ravenous) while we were out shopping

~ Graeme and I got some 'date night' (alone) time this afternoon

~ the kids rode their bikes together in the Close in such a way that neither got frustrated with the other (Nathan sans training wheels!!!)

~ I spent qualiy time with the kids (sadly, a rarity at this time of year)

~ we had pancakes for supper!!!

~ both kids washed themselves in the bath without an argument first

~ we all snuggled up on the bed watching nature programmes on TV together

But best of all, I saw a dream realised. Today, we went riding on our bikes, as a family, with the dogs - Graeme included! - along the canal. This is a moment I have been dreaming of for more than 4 years! And today it became reality.

More than that though. Today I saw a partial answer to an ongoing prayer. I long for my kids to grow up to be people who love God and each other, who will be there to pray with, pray for, support and care for each other when Graeme and I are gone. Today I witnessed a glimpse of how the kids will relate to each other as adults, of who they will be as adults, and it was good! Today I received a fresh energy to keep on keeping on; to persevere, because I have seen how they are growing as children of God. 

I have seen my family love today, and laugh today, and learn today, and grow today. What an amazing day! What an amazing family. I have been mightily blessed! 

How to make a baby (email meme)

I received this email from a friend, and loved it so much I just had to post it here....

Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have

no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.
During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist
created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled
“How to Make a Baby”. The creative couple planned and
carried out their project throughout the whole period
of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings
as Sandra’s belly expanded. The pregnancy saga of
Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional
cabbage and the stork stories.

Cuteness...

I have an odd assortment of items on my bedside table - everything from various medications, kiddies toys, books, pens, drawings, kid's clothing, etc. Yesterday, Nathan came into my room and proceeded to point to each item on my bedside table in turn, asking what it was.

"What's that?" (pointing to deodorant) "Cream bar deodorant."
"What's that?" (pointing to Voltaren cream) "Voltaren."
What's that?" (pointing to two sachets of hand cream joined with a perforated join) "Cream"
(pause while he ponders this...)
"NO MOMMY! THAT'S CREAM (pointing to deodorant). THIS BOOK!"
He promptly picked them up, 'opened' the 'book', and walked away pretending to read the 'book'.

I cried with laughter.

My best moments

Tonight in the bath, the kids were playing so nicely together. They were fooling around, egging each other on, and laughing hysterically with each other - no hitting, or fighting or yelling, or tears. The two of them together, in a happy mood, had me in stitches. I couldn't help but laugh with them. The joy in their faces, their pleasure in the water and bubbles and a friend to share it all with, their shared exhilaration of doing things right at the edge of what was permissible - it was all a rather heady concoction, for all of us.

It was one of those moments when part of me wished I had my camera to record it for posterity. I was too busy enjoying my kids to get the camera, though. It was my best moment of the day! Some things are too precious to waste a moment of, even to get a camera*.

I'm glad that I chose to revel in the moment, to be with my kids, to enjoy them, and to let them see how much I was enjoying them and being with them. I know it filled up their love tanks a bit. It definitely filled mine.
_________________________________________
* A friend once mentioned to me that we shouldn't need photos to remember places, or people, or events - we should rather spend the time we would have used to take the photo to memorise the scene in our minds. That way, no-one could ever steal or destroy the images. While I get what she was saying, I don't always agree with her sentiments. However, it has made me more aware of trying to remember to be present in every moment I would want to record.

Swallowed and spat out

Here comes the stuck record... can you believe it's been nearly A MONTH since I last blogged. Actually, I can. I don't really want to rehash the last month, but it has been incredibly stressful and busy.

Between the regional Expo, matric exams, TONS (I swear, I must have been at least a ton) of other marking, reports, budgets to prepare, matric testimonials, and random other admin type of things, Nathan has had yet MORE antibiotics for his ongoing ear infection, my mother moved house, our nanny had another death in the family (so took a trip off to the E. Cape again), both G and I have been ill, and there were 100 other things on the go.

Quite honestly, I am whacked. I'm falling asleep during assemblies and when I'm meant to be praying with Janel. Because I'm tired, I'm turning into a horrible person who yells a lot, and I'm having to think REALLY hard before I say or type anything because there's very little internal moderation occurring between what I really think and what I'm saying - which is getting me into trouble - like when I nearly swore at my matrics today. (That's another story. Those ungrateful little .... breathe. breathe. breathe.)

Sadly, I'm not going to be able to rest much during the holidays, because I'm single parenting while G is away for the first bit, then I'm away on a school trip for the last bit. What I'm craving more than anything at the moment is a few days away in the bush, or at the beach, or up the mountain, with no phones, no children and no responsibilities, but with lots of books, silence and walks in nature - I am craving solitude.

Until Nathan's ears are fixed though, and until he's sleeping through the night, I don't feel I can offload both him AND Nellie on anyone. So somehow I'm going to have to create minute spaces of solitude for myself over the next little while or I will seriously burn out before the end of the year.

The update on Nathan is that we're seeing the ENT next week to discuss grommets. I'm sure that he has permanent scarring from the pretty much constant ear infection he's had since May, but we'll see what the specialist says.

The update on Nellie is that we've taken her for further evaluation. She doesn't have low muscle tone, which is good news. She does, however, have balance issues which we're going to investigate further. And she's definitely a low stimulus child (which we already knew). So now we have a new regime to help her - daily trampolining and a return to frequent body brushing, as well as semi-regular bouts of OT to help develop her vestibular apparatus and proprioreceptors. All this is relatively good news, because it's stuff that we can do something about with resorting to chemicals.

But, again, I must confess that I have been left feeling swallowed by life, and then spat out again. I know that part of it is just the usual end of term symptoms, and that things are going to get easier any day now, that I'm just emotionally strung out. None of that changes the fact though that I feel utterly, utterly worn out.

It was with great relief that I found myself laughing this evening. If I can still laugh at life, then things can't be all that bad, right? So what made me chuckle? This joke:

What's the oldest profession?

Traffic cop. In Genesis 3:4 it says "and there was an evil spirit lurking behind the bush".

I needed a laugh today (video post)

Today I found out that a good friend, who has been battling cancer, and had seemed to have been healed, isn't. She is now resistant to her cancer drugs and so needs a bone marrow transplant, and urgently, if she's going to live. She has two young daughters. She's already tried the bone marrow register, and she's already had a drive to get people to get tested and sign up as donors. No luck.

What a sucky morning I had after finding that out!

So I needed a laugh.

Thank God for blogs, Facebook and Twitter - who all came through for me today. I thought I'd share a few bits here, in case you needed a laugh too.

I had to watch this one a few times - first time I was like : WTF??? But after a few times, all I find myself saying is "I'm on a horse!" BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

There's that horse again...

or how about this discussion over on Tertia's blog about things you never thought you'd hear yourself say? I nearly wet myself with some of them.

or how about this website detailing all the faux pas people make on Facebook? (not always funny, but guaranteed to take your mind off your own problems for a few minutes.

Sigh! Laughter is good medicine to help take the edge off my pain.

Speaking of which - I have a swollen lip and a massive cut inside it. Why, you may well ask? Because my daughter saw fit to connect the top of her head with my lips when I was trying to kiss her goodbye. Yup, I have two very purple tooth impressions on the inside of my lip to go with that lovely cut. Of course, I can't drink or eat or talk properly now. Which is also kind of funny (given how much I love talking and eating and drinking) - okay, more like ironic, but who's counting?

I'll leave you with this one... (courtesy of @FunnyOneLiners on Twitter)... I'm sick and tired of my computer being the only one to get naps and cookies!

Something to remember

This was sent to me via a friend, and I thought we could all use a laugh, so here it is again...

Here's the note that the teacher received the following day -

Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Extreme sheep art

Sometimes adverts can be so boring. So mundane. So run of the mill. Clearly, the advertising agents were having not just an off day, or week, but an off year.

But then, sometimes, you come across an artist. Someone (or several some ones) who really has the creative genius. Someone who tackles a topic from a completely left field perspective.

AND they manage to produce something incredible. They pull it off.

This is one such ad. It's well worth watching, even though it's nearly 3 mins long. In fact, when it's over you'll wish they'd made it 10 minutes.

Return of the Hoola Hoop

At family lunch this afternoon, there were moments of hilarity and moments of sheer frustration. Frustration, because 3 of our cars had windows smashed and stuff stolen from them (including ours). Fortunately, we only lost our jump leads. The others lost radios and CDs. Hilarity because several members of the family got involved in hoola hooping. Yup, and I've got the evidence to prove it. The 80's lives again!

Once again, no idea why YouTube (and Blogger, for that matter - tried it with both) insist on turning the video round. I've edited it to be the right way round, but for whatever bizarre reason, they insist on ignoring my edits. Sorry. If you know of a way to prevent this from happening, please do let me know.



PS There is a video of Trish and Cath doing this on Facebook. Thought I wouldn't put both up here again.

What's in a name?

OK, so let me ask you: what is a French door? Give me a proper definition. No wait, let me guess - you probably think that a French door is any set of double doors, with lots of little glass panes in it, leading from the interior to the exterior of a house. Right? Well, let's just say that if you think that, then you are as ignorant as I am.

A French door is any door, double or single, interior or exterior, that has multiple lites in it (and yes, they are spelt l-i-t-e). Lites are individual glass panels, which range from teeny tiny to the full length of the door. Now, and this is where it gets interesting, the TYPE of French door you have depends on the number and size of the lites.

Why am I telling you this? Because I discovered that the doors we're putting in as our new front doors (and maybe from our bedroom to the garden too) have a very special name. So picture this scene...

I'm saying goodbye to my dad, who's just been over to discuss the costing of our building works (did I mention that my dad is our builder??) as we break ground on Monday (YAY!!!). As he's leaving, he mentions that he's got some doors he took out of another flat we might be able to use. Except, he calls them... happy doors. I kid you not. I thought he was joking! I mean, who calls doors happy doors? But no, the joke was on me. Apparently, we are installing happy doors. Needless to say, I had a bit of hysterical laughter over that one.

So what exactly are happy doors, I hear you ask?THIS is a happy door. And the one below is a Kentucky door. The last image is of a Carolina door. All of these, apparently are french doors. The trad french door is given a very boring name, e.g. 10 lite, or 18 lite, depending on the number of individual square or rectangular panes.
But wait, there's more. Our happy doors also come with parliament hinges. Yup, no ordinary hinges for our happy doors. Nope, they get parliament hinges. What are parliament hinges? They're the hinges that stick out from the door, to enable you to open the doors flush to the outside wall, so they don't stand out at an angle to it.

Don't ever let me hear you refer to french doors again. No-one wants to be an idiot! And when we have our housewarming, I want to hear you refer to the parliament hinges. Yup, we're quite proud of our happy doors with parliament hinges, thank you!

Oh! How I laughed

This morning was Nellie's school concert. She was a 'twinkle star' and had a solo. Unfortunately, as predicted, she got horrible stage fright. But shortly thereafter, once the big moment had passed, she really got into the concert and started singing.

It was a long event, but sweet. And well worth it to see my little angel up there being SO SERIOUS about her singing and the actions. She made me laugh so much I cried. She was just adorable in her seriousness, but I did have to wonder whether she was enjoying any of it.

We really do need to teach her Rule #6. I guess the best way to do that is to teach it to myself first. (In case you're not a Ben Zander follower... Rule #6 says 'Don't take yourself too seriously.') I had thought we were doing well, but maybe we're not doing as well as I think... Sigh! This parenting thing is hard. No rule books, no guide books, just a whole lot of flying by the seat of your pants.

It's the best adventure ever!

(Oh yes, I'll put a video clip up on her site shortly.)

ROFL!

Apparently, if you're a Saffa in London, then you've already seen this. But given as how I'm back in Saffa-land, I haven't. I saw it for the first time tonight, and... well... I nearly wet my pants! I think you can only appreciate this if you are a Saffa, but I think Saffa's who either live in London or who have recently done so will truly appreciate the beauty of this little story.I hope you find it at least a little bit funny.


And here's the Aussie version too...Graeme thinks it's better. I'm not so sure.

The lighter side of politics

When I'm marking exam papers (as I am at the moment), I like to listen to the radio or a CD. It helps me to block out other distractions, and keeps me from getting bored out of my mind.

This morning, as I'm listening to BBC radio 2 online (to a podcast of Friday's broadcast of Steve Wright in the Afternoon) - my all-time favourite radio station - I nearly fell off my chair when they announced two political comments, so I just had to share them with you:

Boris Johnson (Conservative, Mayor of London, infamous for speaking without thinking, a regular guest presenter of 'Have I Got News for You'), when asked whether he aspired to being Prime Minister: I have as much chance of becoming PM as I have of finding Elvis!

Labour spokesperson: The greenbelt is a Labour initiative, and we intend building on it.

Do they WHAT?!?

So you know how you should never say 'never'? Well, I NEVER thought I would hear what I heard today.

Today, in my matric class (A2 level for those in the UK; age 18 for those in the US since), we're doing revision for their exams, which start next week. (Yeah, our school do the mid-year exams REALLY early... for lots of good academic reasons, including that the annual play production rehearsals shouldn't clash with exams.) We were comparing and contrasting mitosis (ordinary cell division) and meiosis (cell division to produce sex cells - sperm and eggs).

We finished with about 10 minutes to spare, so we started chatting just generally about sex related stuff - how to ensure that when you fall pregnant you get a boy or a girl; when girls ovulate in their cycle; when a boys sperm cells are most healthy... you know - THAT kind of thing.

I'd rather the kids asked me all their sex related questions rather than get misinformation from their friends, so I alway try to make time for these sorts of questions. I also try really hard to take their questions seriously; not embarrass them by getting flustered or shocked; and give them a biologically correct answer that doesn't side-step the real question, but is phrased in a language they can grasp, and that manages to be dignified at the same time. I want to foster the kind of atmosphere where the kids feel free to ask me ANYTHING. (I mean, some kids would rather DIE than ask their parents, so who else are they gonna ask?)

Well, today I nearly, nearly burst out laughing - both from shock and disbelief! I definitely cracked a huge smile before I realised and stopped myself.

In matric ... MATRIC... a boy asks me the following:

"Ma'am, if a guy has sex with a dog, will the dog fall pregnant with puppies?"

Slaan my dood met 'n nat vis! (literally, Hit me with a wet fish till I die)

What kind of education have these kids been getting that a kid in matric STILL thinks this can happen?!?! What kind of old wives' tales has he been listening to? What kind of literature is he reading? How is it possible that an 18yr old can have this kind of question?

Needless to say, the rest of the class fell about laughing, so in addition to having to treat his question with dignity, I also had to try to get the rest of the class to treat it with dignity... I'm not sure which was harder! Fortunately (I say fortunately, but actually it's even more tragic!), someone else in the class, who laughed loudest and longest, also thought that this was possible. When I gave them the explanation of why it was physically impossible for that to happen, this kid replied - "Oh, I also wondered about that. I wasn't sure either." At which point, the class fell about laughing again.

I had had some hope of this class (they are the bottom set of 4) passing their final exams this year. Now I have none.

However, the lesson I learnt today is that, after 4 months, this class is finally starting to trust me enough to ask the questions they don't dare ask anywhere else, and that makes me very, very pleased and proud. I'm doing my job well, and that means that even this bunch of kids who know nothing, who will probably all fail at the end of the year, are going to walk away with some really important biological questions answered. At least when they leave my class they will have some understanding of how their bodies work on the most basic, and important, level. Just maybe their time in my class this year will not have been a complete waste of time.

Maybe, just maybe, that means that I will have changed a life - stopped someone from smoking, or falling pregnant, or getting HIV - or maybe I will have helped someone to get the child they want, or have the knowledge to take care of themselves properly while pregnant, or inspired someone to become a person others can trust, someone who listens, someone who cares. THAT is why I teach. THAT is why I love Biology. Forget all this statistics and geography nonsense I have to teach nowadays in 'Life Sciences'. I just want to teach the Biology stuff, because THAT's the stuff that changes lives.

I LOVE my job!

Fun at Kirstenbosch

We went to Kirstenbosch today, with the dual function of getting Nellie out into the open for a bit (and to try and get her to be a bit more active today) and also getting an Indigophora for Zoe's anniversary on Monday.

Graeme took such a cute video of Nellie and I rolling down the hill. I've posted it on Nellie's blog, so go and check it out. Right now I find I'm tired all the time, and I know it's just grief taking its toll. It was a relief to play and have fun, and not be constantly thinking about her. Plus it was such fun to just spend time as a family (away from the TV, Leo and Nellie's toys) and to actually be out in the sun.

Roles

Who are you? When you're at work, who are you? When you're at home, who are you? Are you different when you're at home to when you're at work? If so, why do you show different facets of yourself in these two key areas in your life? I found myself pondering these questions today.

At my last school, the school counsellor took it upon herself to brighten the lives of the staff. She'd periodically arrange for cakes or a meal for the entire staff, just 'because'. She's occasionally put a joke in our pigeon holes. She'd wear VERY odd clothing - just to make us laugh. She's a star!

At my new school, I find myself falling into the same role. Food is not an issue because we eat enough to feed all the starving millions in Ethiopia! (We eat together every Friday, and then several other days of the month too.) But I've found myself taking on a role of caring for the staff by brightening their lives through humour. I'm not sure whether it's the done thing or not, or whether anyone takes offence, but from the few people who've taken the trouble to respond, I'm really pleased to see that at least some people have a lighter moment.

I think I'm doing it for two reasons - firstly because my own life is so stressed, and secondly because I wish there was someone around to lighten my day. As a manager, I feel it's my responsibility to do for my team (and by extension, the rest of the staff) what I wish someone would do for me. It's the least I can do, really, in gratitude to my former colleague who made me laugh out loud when I was stressed.

Christmas day improves

After a flipping good howl while I was laying the table for lunch for 17, followed by a howl on Graeme's shoulder, I felt much better. Lunch proceeded to be a laugh a minute and a huge success. What a great day! Thank God.

Another bit of good news is that Nellie's fever has broken. Turns out that she DOES have baby measles (which isn't actually measles, I discovered - it's called roseola). The down side of this is that now she has too much energy to sleep. She's only JUST gone to bed (after 1opm, when her 'normal' bedtime is 7pm). The poor baby is covered in a rash now. Sigh! The joys!

Packing for our holiday will have to wait till tomorrow morning. I need SLEEP!

Love to you all, hope you had a FABULOUS day!

The highs and lows of parenting

"The only difference between a good parent and a bad parent is the thin membrane between thought and action." Wyliekat

I read this today on one of my favourite blogs' comments section. The original post was about how tough parenting is and the fact that everyone reaches a point where they have to choose to walk away or they will wind up hitting their kids. Hard. With bells on.

I've been there. On Tuesday. Nellie just would NOT go to sleep, despite the fact that she was tired and it was her normal nap time. She always goes down for me (eventually). She seldom presents this much defiance. But there it was. What made it worse was that I was utterly exhausted. I just wanted half an hour to sit down on my own, have a cuppa, read my book, breathe, relax. But no, twas not to be. And every time I had to go into her room to try and settle her again, I could feel myself getting more and more angry.

By the time warning bells were going off in my head, I realised that I either had to walk away and leave her to cry, or I had to bite the bullet and graciously admit defeat. Given that she fell out of her cot for the first time last week, I wasn't too keen to just leave her. I was too scared she'd eventually try to climb out and would wind up killing herself. So, that only left the option of graciously admitting defeat. I HATE admitting defeat. With a passion. But to admit defeat without tryingt o get revenge or run a guilt trip on her... hmm... that was tough.

So in I went to get her out. I stood next to the cot, eyeballing her, wanting to just smack her, just make her realise how unfair she was being to me, how angry I was with her. She looked up at me, grinned her cheeky smile, held up her arms and giggled. Now, there are 2 ways to respond to this - either get even madder at her because she clearly knows what she's doing; or, laugh. I laughed. I had to. If I'd chosen to let myself get even madder, I know I would have hit her. But I laughed, and so she laughed, and so I laughed.

And we went out to play some more. And I enjoyed her, from the comfort of my armchair!

Another weekend gone...

Graeme and I have returned from a weekend away on our own, courtesy of my in-laws. They figured we needed some 'us' time after everything we'd had to deal with this past month. Very nice of them, really.

So we went to a health resort hotel (not a spa - apparently there is a difference), but the jacuzzi wasn't working (chlorine levels too high) and the treatment rooms were fully booked for the entire weekend (so no massage or facials or anything else) so all we could actually use were the gym and the pool.... hmm..

As a result, we wound up benig tourists in the area. Went a small wine farm specialising in ciders, then had a shopping spree in Maidstone buying toys for Nellie (not as if she doesn't have enough or anything, but we just missed her so much!) and today we went to Hever Castle, which is stunning and well worth a visit. They have this awesome water maze there that the kids (big and small) just adored! It has 3 concentric rings of slabs, linked here and there by some other slabs. Some of the slabs are cantilevered, so that when you step on them, you get sprayed by jets of water. The trick is to find your way through the maze to the tower (you can climb up the inside of teh tower to get a lovely view of the grounds) without getting wet.



The weekend was a fabulous blessing to us, and I think we reconnected with each other and ourselves in a very special way. I was saying to G at one point that a part of my personality that hasn't been seen since we were on honeymoon was finally coming out again. We've walked such a rough road since our marriage back in '98. (For those who don't know about it all, I'll try to summarise it briefly for you in the next post.)

Some of you have probably heard about the 4.3 earthquake we had here in southern England. Well, we were only a few miles from the epicentre... although as we lay in bed watching the news about half an hour after it had happened, Graeme did ask me whether the earth had moved for me.... I'm pleased to report that we were far enough away that we didn't feel a thing.

I had a FANTASTIC belly laugh on Sat evening. I was lying in bed, exhausted after a very long evening (we had stayed up till nearly midnight to catch a re-run of 'Have I Got News For You'). Graeme was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I stretched, yawned and made Nellie's-very-tired noises (where she moans, but with the dummy in her mouth), to which Graeme responded with some very arbitrary remark (so much so, I can't even remember it now! I think it was something about going to buy something for me). However, I was so tired, and his response seemed so off the wall, that I promptly fell apart laughing. In fact, I laughed so much I wasn't sure whether I was laughing or crying; I laughed so much I had a mild asthma attack (only to discover that the pump I had with me was empty). Man! I've missed laughing like that.

Since getting home, I've been reading some of my favourite blogs, and found these words by Bob Dylan... (my vicar/ minister, Stephen, would be so proud of me!)

"I stood unwound beneath the skies
And clouds unbound by laws.
The cryin' rain like a trumpet sang
And asked for no applause.
Lay down your weary tune, lay down,
Lay down the song you strum,
And rest yourself 'neath the strength of strings
No voice can hope to hum."

I feel like I'm starting to let go of the pain of losing and I'm starting to see the sunshine again.
Graeme starts grief counselling tomorrow. He's going to have a few sessions on his own, and then I'll join him for some couples counselling. I know that there will still be dark days ahead, and the counselling will no doubt spark stuff in us, but at the moment I don't feel like I'm carrying this massive weight on my shoulders anymore, and I thank God for that!