Is there any hope for the SA education system?

One of the sessions at the Global Leadership Summit was a talk by Allen Catherine Kagina. She heads up Uganda's Revenue Authority, i.e. the tax collection system. Over the past 10 years she has taken this corrupt and inefficient system and turned it around completely. 

Granted, she did take some pretty dramatic steps, like firing absolutely every single person in this government department and making hem reapply for their position. She did this so that only this most honest and competent people would end up working for her. 

If we tried that here, with our education department, to get rid of both incompetence and corruption, there is no doubt that SADTU would throw a frothy. (I doubt that Naptosa would, because they aren't politically motivated the way that SADTU is.) Never the less, that remains a tempting action.

Yet, all that she has accomplished, she did in a relatively short space of time. The URAhas gone from vying for first place as the most corrupt organisation in Uganda to having her staff head hunted by UN, WHO, etc. because of their high level of integrity.

Is it possible that this could happen in SA's education system? Is it possible that this failing institution, rife with incompetency, could be turned around?

I was sure that it couldn't. I had washed my hands of this system, given up, content to just influence the small number of children I teach and colleagues I interact with. I had become completely disillusioned with the DBE and the provincial governments. 

But now? 

Having heard Allen speak about what God can do, having heard about how the URA has changed completely, I believe the same is potentially true for us. 

YES, I believe there is hope for education in SA. Why? Because The God we serve is a big God, for whom nothing is impossible. NOTHING.

What will it take to make this happen? Prayer, and lots of it, and leadership - strong, ethical, visionary leadership. 

I hear God call - 'Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?' And my heart responds - 'Here am I. Send me.'

It's such a perfect day...

I'm glad I spent it with you... 

Oh, Such a perfect day

You just keep me hanging on

You just keep me hanging on...

You're going to reap just what you sow

(Reap, reap, reap) you're going to reap just what you sow...

I'm always amazed at how as I think about a title for a blog post, it often winds up being a line from a song. Lou Reed's Perfect Day seems the perfect song for today.

It's not often that I see a dream realised! What a perfect day this has been. 

Yes, the kids fought, and whined, and sulked and had tantrums at various points during the day. The adults too, if truth be told. And yes, I still seem to be battling some low grade viral infection. And yes, our hayfever has been horrendous and the wind today was not helpful. It wasn't perfect in that sense. However, it was the perfect day, because I saw the best of what this family is. Today, we had fun together and loved each other and enjoyed each other and were kind to each other.

Today...

~ Nellie offered, and Nathan accepted, her help to get him dressed

~ Nathan willingly shared his carrots with both Graeme and I

~ Nathan willingly helped Graeme do the dishes

~ Janel did her chores without moaning, immediately, and with such grace

~ neither of the kids moaned about being hungry (although they were ravenous) while we were out shopping

~ Graeme and I got some 'date night' (alone) time this afternoon

~ the kids rode their bikes together in the Close in such a way that neither got frustrated with the other (Nathan sans training wheels!!!)

~ I spent qualiy time with the kids (sadly, a rarity at this time of year)

~ we had pancakes for supper!!!

~ both kids washed themselves in the bath without an argument first

~ we all snuggled up on the bed watching nature programmes on TV together

But best of all, I saw a dream realised. Today, we went riding on our bikes, as a family, with the dogs - Graeme included! - along the canal. This is a moment I have been dreaming of for more than 4 years! And today it became reality.

More than that though. Today I saw a partial answer to an ongoing prayer. I long for my kids to grow up to be people who love God and each other, who will be there to pray with, pray for, support and care for each other when Graeme and I are gone. Today I witnessed a glimpse of how the kids will relate to each other as adults, of who they will be as adults, and it was good! Today I received a fresh energy to keep on keeping on; to persevere, because I have seen how they are growing as children of God. 

I have seen my family love today, and laugh today, and learn today, and grow today. What an amazing day! What an amazing family. I have been mightily blessed! 

Don't just stand there, PRAY something

Years ago, I read a book by that title. While it was helpful, I think the most helpful thing (i.e. the thing that has stayed with me over the years, and thus the only thing to really STICK after reading the book) was to just get on and do it. Don't stand around doing nothing. Just pray.

Needless to say, I don't do that. Yup, confession time. I hardly pray. There are lots of reasons for that, and I won't bore you with the details - mostly because I want to get on with the point of this post.

Today, at church, I felt God challenge me on this (yet again... He's been challenging me on this a lot over the last while). We watched a clip of Bill Hybels (@BillHybels) of Willow Creek in Chicago. I was fortunate enough to have been to see him in person at a Willow Creek conference in Chicago several years ago when I was on the staff at The Ascension, Balham Hill. You can say what you like about him - he's typically brash and American - but you can't avoid the fact that Bill speaks truth to the heart. He has a passion for God and God's church that outstrips anything I've seen in the vast majority of Christians. (He's the guy who coined the phrase "The local church is the hope of the world".)

Anyway, sidetracking. Back to prayer. As Bill was speaking, I felt God nudge me again, with the title of that book. I want to see things change in this world. Heck - I'd love to see things change in my life, in my marriage, in my family, in my work! I felt God ask me (not in audible words; just as an inner voice, or an impression) how things were ever going to change if I did nothing differently.

You see, I've been on at my remedial class at school about exactly this topic. They're not stupid, they just either don't like the subject, don't have a work ethic, don't know how to study, or don't listen in class. So I've been on at them about how they need to DO something DIFFERENTLY if they want to see different results at the end of the year.

And God challenged me with exactly that same message.

If I want to see change, then I'm going to have to do something differently. I can't just stand around hoping it will change, or waiting for someone else to make it change. I have to get stuck in and be the change I want to see. The only way to do that is to pray.

So... in addition to my new attempt to get fit by running regularly, I have now diarised 3 prayer sessions a week - one for my work-related stuff, one for my local community, and one for the cell group that I lead. I have no idea whether I will be able to keep any of them (we all know how the devil likes to try to mess up our lives and distract us from the job at hand), but rather than fail to start because I'm worried about failing, I've decided to start and see what happens.

Maybe God will surprise me. In fact, I hope he does.

I'm ready to be surprised. I'm ready to have my life turned upside down again by the sheer generosity and grace of God towards all people.

Time to stop wading on the fringes of the waves and dive back in to the depths of the water.

To say I'm a bit nervous is probably about right. The age-old questions have already started to rear their ugly heads. What if God doesn't show up? What if my prayers just keep bouncing off the ceiling? What if it takes a lot of effort on my part before I see any results? What if I never see results? What if my loved ones think I've gone super-religious on them? What if I get hurt and more disillusioned?

Thing is, I've let those fears control me for far too long now. So I'm simply going to ignore them and carry on. I'll let you know how it goes, but in case I don't, feel free to ask. Better yet, why not join me? Let's make this experiment a shared journey. I dare you.

Milestones

Tonight I reached another milestone in my journey of healing. It's been a long time coming, more than 5 years, and I'm thrilled to have finally reached it.

It's late, so I don't want to go into all the details about how I got here, or why this is such a big one - maybe one day I'll have the energy for that. What I will do, though, is to tell you what happened.

Tonight, while praying in a group of 3 at the end of an education plus church meeting, I took a step of faith. I asked God to speak to me for the other 2 people in my group. I haven't done that in 5 years. Then I took another step of faith, and decided to accept that what I "heard" was from God. Then I took yet another step of faith, and decided to share what I felt I'd heard with the others in the group.

This is SUCH a big deal for me. This represents SUCH a huge step forward for me. In some ways, I can't believe I've reached this point again. Part of me believed that I would never get here again, that this point was out of my reach. Yet, here I am.

Of course, this is all thanks to God, who has been steadily, but slowly, drawing me back to himself; who has been slowly but steadily working in my heart and in my mind, reminding me of the truths I already know; of softening my heart to trust him again. It's a work of grace - from beginning to end.

I have to add that I doubt I'm about to jump off the deep end and suddenly start sharing words with all and sundry. In many respects, I feel like a new Christian in all this again, like this is the first time I've ever done this stuff. I know that to be sensible, I also need to go slowly with this, to ensure that what I'm hearing really is God. BUT!!! But, I can testify that tonight God spoke to me for someone else, and that is just SO huge for me.... I feel like I've just run a marathon and beaten my own time by half.

What a milestone! Thank you, Lord! You are indeed faithful, even when we are faithless; you are loving, even when we feel unlovable. Thank you.

In the quietness...

I am amazed to look back and see how far God has brought me on my journey of grief and healing. I can see the deep, dark hole I was in, and I can see where I am now - and they are miles apart! Yet, I can still see the long road ahead of me, to get to where I'd like to be with God.

Something that I've really struggled with is spending that one-on-one time with God. In part, that's because I feel I've lost the ability to hear God's quiet voice. In part, it's because I'm scared that I'll sit there, anticipating, and then hear nothing - that it will feel like God's abandoned me yet again. In part, it's that I don't feel I can make the time. In part, it's that I'm just too lazy to apply myself.

This is the area God has been tackling for a while now. I do hear God. I know I hear him - his Spirit has spoken quiet words into my heart, growing a longing in me to read the Word, to hear God speak to me through his Word. But there's always a good reason why I can't put it into practice, or so I thought.

Over the past few weeks, at church, to start off the year, we've been learning about why it's not only important, but also beneficial, to have a regular time with God, reading his Word and praying. Last year, I know that God was preparing my heart to hear this message, and so I've found myself receptive to it. I've found a few things startling though, about what has been said, and the way it has been said.

Firstly, something I've found really helpful is the idea that we don't read the Bible for what WE can get out of it. Rather, we read the Bible to expose our lives to it - to let IT read US.

Secondly, I've been impressed with the lack of side-stepping the issue the preachers have shown. While their messages have been sensitive and inclusive, the clear message is that having a quiet time in the morning, and having one every single morning, is best. There are good reasons for this, which, if you want to know, you can download off the church website (www.commongroundchurch.org.za) (or is it .co.za?).

Usually, preachers are so careful not to offend those who are night owls, who work shifts, who are dyslexic, or whatever, that they don't lay down the law in this way, as it were. Again, although they DID make allowances, it was made abundantly clear that for most of us, failing to read the Bible, or failing to read it first thing in the morning, is simply a cop-out.

Thirdly, I was struck by the fact that if God is first in my life, this is something that should come first too.

Now I am NOT a morning person. I'm a night owl. I can work, very happily until 3am. Ask me to get up before 6am (8am on weekends) and you're going to get your head bitten off. Mornings are also really busy for me - kids to get ready, lunches to make, drop-offs at school, morning meeting at 7.45am.... So I figured that, if this is so important to God, He had better help me find a time to do it in the morning.

And He has. He identified 10 mins in the morning for me when I can just sit and read the Word. It's amazing. I'd never seen it before, but it was there, right in front of me all the time. So now I have a time slot, in the morning, without me having to get up extra early!

Fourthly, I was struck by the idea that if this is going to be important to me, I cannot allow distractions - even good ones (like my kids, or minor emergencies at work), to disturb me. And this is exactly where I fell down. All was going well for the first 5 days, and then there was "just" something I quickly needed to do in that slot. In the blink of an eye, I lost my time-slot as I allowed it to be eaten up by other things.

But it's not all doom and gloom. The next Sunday, the preach was on a useful method to employ during your quiet time with God - VIP. V - choose one verse to memorise. I - what insight can you gain by reflecting on it. P - how will you pray in response to that insight? The idea is that you journal those 3 points every day. I've also found a devotional study for 21 days for Busy Women! So, I'm back on the wagon. A fresh week, a fresh determination to spend that time with God, reading His word. A habit is formed in 48 days... let's see if I can make it through the week and weekend first. Then we'll tackle the following 41 days!

Thank God for 2nd chances! (and 3rd, and 4th, and 5th, and 6th....).

Do you?

Every night we pray with Nellie before she goes to sleep. While I don't think she yet understands that we're actually talking to Jesus, she loves the routine of it. We do the 'Thank you, sorry, please' routine. And every night it goes something like this:

Me: What do you want to thank Jesus for tonight?
Nellie: Leo, Tigger, Barney, Bessie, Bears, Safira10 Magenta Penguin, my curtains, my pictures that Daddy put up.
Me: Anything else?
Nellie: No.

Every night. Without fail. Same list. Same order. She's had the same list (up to Safira10) since we started praying with her - MONTHS ago, maybe a year or more now. In the event of there being something to add, it's added at the end and nothing it taken away.

Every night I have a huge mental sigh waiting for her to get the list out. Every night I have to bite my tongue from rushing her through it. Yes, yes, I think to myself. LeoTiggerBarneyBessieBears..... get on with it!!

But tonight, as I was waiting for her to say the list, I found myself wondering why she has the same list. Why does she feel the need to continually thank Jesus for the same things, over and over again? I think Jesus gets it. I think he understands how grateful she is.

Then I remembered something someone said to me earlier this week at cell group about thanksgiving. In talking about prayer, this person had heard someone else tell about his journey. Gentleman X kept a diary of how long it took God to answer his prayers. Then he started an experiment and thanked God for as long as it took for God to answer. So, if it took 3 months for his prayer to be answered, he would go on thanking God for the reply for 3 months after it was answered. (Interestingly, Gentleman X noted that after starting this experiment the average time it took for his prayers to be answered decreased.)

The point was made that we're so quick to get upset when God takes his time in answering, but when he does, we're also quick to forget the answer. Surely we should take better stock of the answers to prayer we receive by thanking God a bit more often and consciously?

Maybe Janel has a point. Leo is very, very precious to her, therefore she goes on thanking God for him - thankful that he hasn't been lost, or broken, or hidden away by Mommy/ Daddy. Tigger is another sleep partner who keeps her safe from falling out of the bed (he lies between her and her sleep guard/ gate). Maybe she goes on thanking God for him because he's a special gift from Granny. Maybe she just appreciates how fortunate she is to have all this stuff - new curtains, toys, pretty pictures.*

Certainly, there is a lesson for me in there. Although I am extremely grateful for my children, surely of far more value than toys and haberdashery, and although I do thank God for them, do I thank him daily for them? Do I thank him daily for the roof over my head, the food in my cupboards, the clothes on my back, my job, my car, for all the gazillion things I have benefited from as a result of being white during Apartheid?

Do I count my blessings daily and thank God for them? Do you?

*Then again, maybe she just likes the routine, like brushing her teeth and eating her vitamins in the morning, without thinking deeply about them all, without understanding that prayer is a conversation with her Creator. Who knows what she really thinks?! It doesn't really matter though - the lesson remains.

Princess postings

This post carries a health warning: if you are not an evangelical Christian, not only may you not understand anything I'm saying in this post, but you may actually find yourself thinking I've lost whatever credibility or sanity you thought I had. I don't have the time or energy now to explain some of the terms and concepts I use properly, and I apologise. I'm exhausted, but I want to document something profound that happened to me tonight at church, because I know it will be important to me in the days, weeks and months to come to have something in writing to reflect upon.

For those who know what Jesus Ministry is, or Freedom Prayer.... I walked through the 5 R's tonight (for the first time in a very, very long time). Hence my exhaustion. Feel free to keep me accountable on the 'Replace' step.

Tonight was significant in that, once again, God demonstrated his love and mercy to me. I managed to take the plunge and ask for prayer after the service tonight (yet another milestone for me). (This was after walking through the 5 R's on my own during the service.) The person praying for me received a picture of me as a princess, with a crown on my head, and as a mother, standing tall in the courts of heaven.

To understand the significance of this, it is necessary to back track slightly. God has spoken to me on several occasions over the past 8 years about the fact that I am a princess. (Rightly speaking, so is every Christian woman or girl, but for me this picture has added significance.) Every time he has, it has been part of a message that not only am I dearly, dearly loved, but I am important to God, not insignificant, and powerful in Christ. It has also been part of a message that God has a plan to use me mightily to increase his kingdom.

When the lady praying for me spoke of this picture she had seen (who, I might add, does not know about this picture, or its significance to me), my soul knew instantly what God was saying to me. I burst into tears because, while it was not what I had been expecting to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

The events of the past 3 years have left me reeling. 3 years ago I believed that God had big plans for my life. (I won't say how big, or in what direction because that would only come across as arrogant; plus, over the past 3 years I've developed a very healthy dose of scepticism that I ever understood what God had been saying to me and I really don't want to wind up with even more egg on my face than I already have.) I believed I understood the big picture and something of how God wanted to achieve that picture in my life. Then the 3 years took place, and everything I thought I believed and knew was called into question, including my most sacred hopes and dreams.

(Edited to add... Angela, if you're reading this [or the wonderful ladies from the morning growth group - please tell Angela to read this] - do you remember what you said to me the last time I saw you, as we were sitting on Sue's couch in her beautiful kitchen? Do you remember what you told me God had said to you was in my future? I've just realised that I'm doing it... right here, right now, with this blog. It's not how I thought it would be - for one thing, it's still so small, but from small beginnings God grows big things, so I'm hopeful that God will grow it further... but I'm doing it! Thank you for your encouragement, your obedience and your faithfulness in speaking out what you thought God had shared with you!)

Following these 3 years I found myself in a place where I didn't see how God would ever use someone like me - someone who was so completely uncertain of everything good Christians are supposed to believe. Sure, I believed that if he wanted to, he would; I just didn't see it happening. I mean, let's be honest here: you can't expect me to pray and listen to God for someone else when I wasn't even on speaking terms with God, or to talk about how amazing God is when I felt he was the worst sort of being ever to have existed... and that's just for starters.

The end result is that I thought my dreams were over. I thought that whatever potential I might have had, had been exploded apart and I would never again know the heights of joy in Christ, or the depth of passion, or the sobering responsibility (and exhilaration) of being on the front lines of the advancing kingdom again. I would never know the tremendous satisfaction of actually living my dreams. And I was coming to terms with that.

I was coming to accept that the status quo was all I could ever expect, that between motherhood and the other demands on my time, this was as good as it was ever going to get for me. Sure, I could do lots of good stuff and be a good person, but for a Christian, being good isn't what it's about. There's an ocean of difference between being good or doing good stuff, and being in relationship with God that makes you a part of his army advancing against the kingdom of darkness, equipping the saints and raising others up.

In the split second that the woman praying for me tonight started saying "princess", I knew exactly what God was trying to tell me, and it nearly blew me away. It was this: "Nothing has changed: the plans remain in place."

Do you have any idea of the significance of those words in my life? The prophecies that God spoke over me are all still valid. Still valid!?! Can you believe that? My mind is really struggling to get to grips with this. I thought I'd blown it. I thought I'd strayed, taken a wrong turning, headed off down the wrong track, but that's not what God was saying tonight. (At least, if I heard him correctly, that's not what he was saying.)

I thought I knew what the plan was; I thought I knew where God was leading me, and I thought I understood what he wanted from me. Then, everything fell apart. Now, it seems God is saying that things are still on track. But if they are, then I have absolutely NO CLUE how we get from A to B. The last 3 years have taught me to doubt what I thought I knew, so I'm not even sure that I ever understood where point B is, let alone how to get there now from here. I'd be lying if I said I'm not more confused now than I was before!

And yet...

And yet!

The joy of this evening is that God still has a plan for my life, a big plan; a plan that means my life will not just be an existence; a plan that means that when I'm on my death-bed I won't be looking back with regret - I'll be celebrating the difference I made in the world and in God's kingdom.

I am still a princess. I am still dearly loved. I am still important. I am still significant.

So while I'm more confused than ever, and while I still don't know what God wants from me, or where he's leading me, or why he has allowed certain things to happen, tonight marks an important step for me. God's plans for me are still on track.

The door of hope has opened just a crack for me and I dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, God still plans to give me the desire of my heart - to be greater than 'just' a teacher, or 'just' a mother, or 'just' a Christian - to really make a difference in this world for the sake of his kingdom using the gifts he's given me.

A lot of things still make no sense to me... but tonight I am able to set aside my doubts and my fears and just trust. (I'm sure that in the days ahead I will see the Deceiver at work... pray with me that I will be able to walk steadfastly in this truth when that time comes!) I have no idea how long I will be able to stay on this mountain top, appreciating the vista, but for as long as I am permitted to stand here, I will simply enjoy the view and marvel at the mystery of God's ways. He is in control and all is well with my soul.

There's a thought...

Maybe the reason that Zoe was taken at 37 weeks is that God was being gracious in letting her live that long. Maybe she would have died much earlier, but survived to that point because we, friends and family prayed fervently that she would.

Now there's a thought for you...

If that's true, would I have wished things otherwise? If I knew that our prayers were keeping her alive, would I have continued to pray, or let her go? Would I have prayed harder so that she lived longer?

2 more weeks until we know whether there was a reason for her death...

Prayer needed

For those who pray, please do! Yesterday I had a big scare as I went into labour in the early afternoon, at 33 weeks. The contractions were never more than 30 minutes apart, but it was still a big shock! Fortunately, and all the glory goes to God for answering our prayers!, after getting some friends to pray the contractions stopped during the night without anything further happening.

Given that Janel survived being born at 33 weeks with no long-term side effects, I was sufficiently confident that everything would be ok, even if I did give birth. So I didn't go into hospital as I didn't want to be hooked up to a monitor until I was convinced that something was wrong or that this was the real deal. I spent the night at a friends' (Graeme and Nellie only get back tonight after their flight was delayed by over 12 hours!), who made sure I was able to rest properly and someone on hand in case I did need to go to hospital.

However, I would still really value your prayers that this baby is only born at the moment God has ordained for the birth - not a moment sooner or later! If that happens, then I have faith that everything will be fine with both the baby and me, irrespective of when that might be.

At the moment mother and baby are doing fine - baby is kicking merrily and mother is feeling fine. Needless to say, I'm going to make sure I do as little as possible over the next few weeks to try to ensure that this little one doesn't arrive too early. I need to get to 37 weeks if I want a water birth....

... and I'd love some time at home with Nellie (I'm officially on maternity leave now) before the new baby arrives...

Thanks!