Gratitude day #1

During the course of the day #2 and I sat and chose photos to put into the photo album. It's been such a long time since we have done this, that we had to go back to 2012! Going through 2.5 years' worth of photos there were a lot of laughs, and 'I remember that!', and 'do you remember when...?' moments. 

Reflecting on 2.5 years' growth in my children I became aware of just how much they have grown, and yet, how little they still are. The best moment of the day, though, had to be listening to my son's laughter as he reminisced. The fact that he is alive is owed to the fact that his sister died, and we discovered my blood disorder. Thus, when I was pregnant with him, I was able to take medication that saved his life.

Every time I look at him, I am reminded of the long, painful journey we walked to his birth. I am so grateful that he is in my life. If his sister had not died I would never have known him. I'm not saying that I am glad his sister died, don't get me wrong. I am just overwhelmed at the thought that, had she lived, this incredible little boy would never have been born and I would never have known him, or the joy of hope renewed.

I am grateful to God for the gift of this little person, and for the relationship we have. He brings such joy into my life and is a daily reminder to me of God's grace towards his people.

Lullaby for my boy

Every night I sing lullabies to the kids, and tonight, for some reason, I suddenly wondered about what might happen if I were to die prematurely. Now I'm not saying I'm going to die prematurely, but I like to be prepared, or as prepared as one can be. My little man is so young that if I were to die now, he probably wouldn't remember me in years to come. I also know that one of the things people sometimes say, years on, is that they can't remember what their loved one sounded like, or even looked like. So, since the little man has a particular penchant for 'Summertime', I thought I'd record myself singing it for him - just in case, you know? (I know this plays with VLC media player, which you can download for free, so if you can't get it to play any other way, try that.)

Sing a song...

This afternoon our nanny brought #2 into the kitchen before she left to perform for us. He sang a complete, and correct, rendition (2 verses) of Jesus lives the little children...all by himself! He's never done that before. Bits of a song, or an incorrect version (wrong words, or tune), yes, or he gets so shy he won't complete the song, so this was huge!

I wanted to record it, but felt that staying in the moment was more important. I was fit to burst from pride!

9 little monkeys, jumping on the bed...

#2 turned 3 two weeks ago, but we only had his party with school friends today. He asked for a Curious George theme. 

Apart from making their own "George" masks (with prizes awarded for best mask), we acted out the monkey song, with 9 little monkeys jumping on the 'bed', while Mommy ran around and caught one of the monkeys in lieu of them 'falling off', and then they yelled the last line: "NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED". Great fun! 

Of course, no impromptu game is without its mishaps. Ours included monkeys crawling off the 'bed' by themselves, monkeys crawling back onto the 'bed' by themselves, and ... HORRORS! ... the dog leaving a fresh present for us, that the 2 of the monkeys then walked through and carried back onto the 'bed' with them. YUCK! A quick bit of hosepipe action called for, on shoes and trampoline alike, while the monkeys were quickly hoisted to safety and the distraction of pass-the-parcel and cake!

This was my first EVER attempt at working with sugar paste/ gum paste/ sugar dough. Lessons learnt, definitely, but I'm pretty chuffed, actually, at how it turned out. I had to settle for something less fancy than I wanted, but I still think it's a cute cake.

#1 was upset that we didn't get to play the last game of 'pin the yellow hat onto George", because the monkeys got distracted by riding of scooters/ bikes on the driveway after cake. So, after everyone else left, we got to play a little game on our own - still lots of fun! PLUS, this is one game we can keep on playing for a while now, as we've got the poster and yellow hat all set up. Bonus!

As usual, Monkey was spoilt rotten and got lots of FABULOUS presents! I don't think there was a single present this year that I felt was either inappropriate. I just know he's going to love playing with them all. He got a scooter, several items of clothing (his current favourite of which is a blue zip-up hoodie with pockets), a rocket, a soccer ball and goals, LOTS of car/ truck items (one including a felt town background to drive them around on), several Lego "sets"/ items, a dinosaur set (with a Triassic era background to place them on), books, playdough, a hockey stick and ball, and lots of sweets! (And I'm sure I've forgotten something....) He is thoroughly spoilt, and we are so grateful to everyone for their gifts, which have (and will continue to) enrich his life over the coming months.

All round, a very successful afternoon, and well worth the hours and hours of effort to get everything set up for it.

Birthday boy

Singing to him (and Sue) made him terribly shy... but not for long!

Three years ago

Three years ago I was already in hospital, BORED out of my mind. I'd been admitted a day earlier and was already just wishing it would all be over. I knew the induction lay ahead, and wasn't relishing the thought of being woken at midnight to start the process.

I was also terrified.

2 years before that I'd been this close to birth and then Zoe had died in utero, after labour had started.

I'd spent the entire pregnancy with Nathan trying so hard NOT to bond with my child, NOT to get attached to him, just in case I lost him too. I didn't think I could survive losing a second child. Yet, against my better judgement, in the third trimester, I'd realised that I couldn't help myself. I was already attached, both literally and figuratively. As my "dead baby thoughts" intensified, I fell more deeply in love with my baby.

So there I was, sitting in a hospital bed, bored, and desperate.

When I was finally woken at midnight, I knew the induction wasn't going to work - I don't respond to the gels; I only respond (and HOW!) to the injections/ drip. Eventually, at 5am, I was moved across, and given more drugs. By 10am, there was still nothing to report. I was tired (only having got to sleep around 10pm the night before! Hospitals are really noisy.) I was also starting to get worried. I slipped into the bath, to try and speed things up, and that's when these big clots (bigger than a R5 coin) starting pouring out.

TERROR!!!!

I jumped straight out again, the gynae was called, and we went into emergency mode.

After a further hour or so of hard labour (and it now being around noon), I was too tired to push any further. I was at the end of my strength, both physically and emotionally. I was terrified my child wasn't going to make it, and I just wanted to go to surgery and have a caesar.

At that point, I lifted my head, to tell my gynae that enough was enough and to just cut him out, when she grinned and said, "There's his head!" I looked down, and could see the crown of his head appearing. I knew then that the only way he was coming out was if I pushed - it was too late for surgery. So from somewhere deep inside (I still don't know how I did it), I pushed and pushed and pushed some more.

And then there he was - in all his nearly 4kg glory!

The relief at knowing he was safe, and alive, was so much, I basically just passed out on the bed. My job was done. I didn't care if he lacked fingers or toes, or if he was in any other way impaired. He was alive.

I then made Graeme swear to stay with him ALL the time - there'd been a recent spate of baby abductions from maternity wards and the last thing I needed was for my baby to be taken! - and then I really did fall asleep.

When it came to dedicate him to the Lord, my only prayer was that he would continue to bring joy into people's lives, and with that, healing, in the same way that his birth brought joy and healing into my life.

Bringing him into this world alive vindicated me in some way as a mother. I'd failed to do my job properly with Zoe - it's because of me that she died. I know that nothing I could have done could have saved her, because I didn't know about my APS then. Never the less, she's dead because of me. Yet, here I was, giving birth to another child, a living child. I'd overcome my disorder. I'd completed the circle.

And what joy! He was (and still is) a bruiser of a child. And given the amount of adrenaline floating in my blood while I was pregnant, how he turned out so joyful and calm (most of the time) is beyond me! He is a miracle.

As much as I love Janel (and how I love her!) Nathan is special to me in a way that she's not. I know that she is just as much a miracle, even more, because I wasn't on drugs through my pregnancy with her. Because I had to fight for Nathan though, he's got a special place in my heart.

Every day, as I was injecting myself, I would have to talk myself into it. It didn't get easier every day, as the gynae said it would. If anything, it got harder every day. Every day, I would have to tell myself that if I wanted Nathan to live, I had to do this. I had to stab that needle into my own flesh, and grit my teeth through the searing pain (I'm told an insulin injection is relatively painless). And every day I did. Every day I made the choice for him, in spite of what it meant for me. Every day I chose to do what was necessary so that he would live. It doesn't surprise me then, that he has such a special place in my heart.

Seeing him alive, every day, brings such joy into my heart. I thank God for him. Here's to the last 3 years with this very special little boy, who has brought me such love, and joy, and healing, and life. Happy 3rd birthday my precious baby! And here's to many more! May you grow to be all that God has planned for you to be, and to do.

I did it!

This is a short video I've edited from Monday, after an afternoon of Nathan playing on my laptop. Google Chrome has a nanny site called Zoodles. Once you've set up a profile, including the age, for your child, it selects appropriate games. You can veto any game it selects, but at least you know that the games your kid is playing are good ones. So, today, Nathan and I (since we were both sick at home) worked on his colour and shape recognition, as well as learning how to use the mouse on a laptop (not the easiest thing for a little one who isn't even sure whether he's right- left-handed!)

Seesaw life

This morning #2 was being a pain. A right, royal, pain in the you-know-what. He didn't want to get dressed. He didn't want to brush his teeth. He didn't want to get in the car. He didn't want to go to school. It was one of THOSE days.

I was coping quite well, until I told him that his dummy and Doggie had to stay at home today - that they couldn't go in his bag or with him to school. At that point, the world ended for him. He screamed non-stop all the way to school, and all the way into school. I had one of those experiences where people walking by stopped to stare, and I could see, written on their faces, the question about what I was doing to torment and abuse my child so.

I carried him, stiff-bodied and screaming with rage, into school. I calmly told him I loved him, and that I was going to work. I asked for a kiss, but that wasn't going to happen. I put him down, at which point he threw himself on the floor, kicked his boots off, and continued to have a raging tantrum. I calmly walked away and got into the car.

And burst into tears.

#1, sitting in the back-seat, asked why I was crying. I managed to answer semi-coherently, while sobbing and trying to drive the car to our next destination. As I drove, I calmed down, and we arrived safely.

As I gave #1 a hug and kiss goodbye, she whispered in my ear: 'Don't cry, Mommy. It will all be alright. You'll see."

I nearly started crying again. What a wonderful, caring, supportive child I have!

As soon as I got to work, I sms'd the nursery - only to be told that within minutes he'd been calm and happy. So his whole performance was just for my benefit.... which, naturally, makes me feel terrible. I know that his teachers know that he only performs on the days I drop him off, but I sincerely hope they don't think he's always like that with me, or that I'm a bad mother, or something, 'cos any outside observer could quite easily draw that conclusion from his behaviour.

And while HE might be fine, my day has been off kilter. I've been down in the dumps ever since that episode this morning, and I just can't quite seem to shake it. No doubt, when I see him this afternoon, he'll have forgotten all about it!

Cuteness...

I have an odd assortment of items on my bedside table - everything from various medications, kiddies toys, books, pens, drawings, kid's clothing, etc. Yesterday, Nathan came into my room and proceeded to point to each item on my bedside table in turn, asking what it was.

"What's that?" (pointing to deodorant) "Cream bar deodorant."
"What's that?" (pointing to Voltaren cream) "Voltaren."
What's that?" (pointing to two sachets of hand cream joined with a perforated join) "Cream"
(pause while he ponders this...)
"NO MOMMY! THAT'S CREAM (pointing to deodorant). THIS BOOK!"
He promptly picked them up, 'opened' the 'book', and walked away pretending to read the 'book'.

I cried with laughter.

Oh boy!

You should be careful what you pray for... you might just get it!

When I was pregnant with Nathan, I prayed for a child who would restore my joy after losing Zoe. I prayed that he would do that for me, but also for everyone he met - that he would be an agent of the Lord, to bring true joy and healing into the lives of everyone he touched.

This past weekend, on one occasion he had run away from me, out into the road. Fortunately, the road was one of those where I'd been able to see the whole street in a single glance, so I knew he wasn't in immediate danger. However, I decided that I needed to enforce the principle that he needs to stop when I tell him to, or to come back to me when told to do so. We've started using the "I'm going to count to 3 and then [insert consequences here]" method with him.

"Nathan! I'm going to count to three and you need to come here to Mommy, otherwise I'm going to give you a hiding!"

Picture it - driveways all over the little Close, the nearest driveway bounded by a rolled down canvas awning. Nathan turned, grinned at me, then - 

"Yes Mommy, hiding!" So pleased with himself that he understood me, and that I want to play too.

He promptly disappears behind the awning. A split second later, he reappears at the other end by jumping out and shouting "TA DA!!"

I ask you - could you do anything other than fall about laughing?

Photo catch-up time

It's been such a LOOOOONG time since I posted some photos. I finally got around to getting them off my phone and so I thought I'd post a few.

This is one of a series of photos I've taken while taking the dogs for a walk. Don't we live in such a beautiful part of the world? I love CPT, and this is one reason why.

This photo was taken at Milnerton beach. My kids ADORE the waves (what kids don't??) This was the day I took the unintentional self-portrait (posted on FB around the time I took it). I love this one because of the contrast - my big girl is so little, and my little boy is so big! You can hardly see it in this photo, but the new stadium really does dominate the cityscape, and I think it's a rather pretty addition to the traditional cityscape.

Here's my little boy all growing up. He's being helpful, putting things on the checkout conveyor belt for us. He's entered that phase of life where being helpful is starting to be something he wants to be. (Of course, he is still a little terror at other times, point blank refusing to do whatever I tell him to do... sigh! I guess that's part of being a kid.)

And these are my other boys... Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee, Abstinence and Cell Phone (and yes, there is a story behind each of those names!). Towards the end of the term I was seconded away from chess to help run the DT system. I've managed these boys since I arrived at the school, so this was my 4th year of close relationships with them. It's only been a few weeks of me no longer being involved, and already I miss them like crazy! Thank God I still teach them, or I think I might go stir crazy! Whatever am I going to do at the end of next year when the elder three leave school for good???? 

A new chapter begins

The past few days have been MANIC. I was looking forward to a lazy Sunday, until we got a message to say we were on duty at the early morning service. With G on sound duty, I was really not looking forward to it, because Nathan would want me to be with him at creche, so I wouldn't be able to participate in any part of the service itself. Then, after the service, I'd have to juggle both kids while trying to help serve tea and clear up cups, etc. - which did not fill me with joy, I have to say.

Never the less, I piled the kids in the car and went off to church. Mostly, I did it out of a sense of duty and a belief that, for the kids anyway, sticking to routines is more important than whether I actually get anything out of the service itself.

After saying a quick hello to my cell group, I went off to kidzone to drop Nellie off, but before I could, Nathan had dashed into the tots' venue. So Nellie and I went with him. We had a minute or so of looking at the slide which had a fountain coming out underneath it and then it was time to take Nellie to her group. So I thought to myself - why not? Let's give it a try. I said goodbye to Nathan, and told him I was taking Nellie to her group.

"Bye, Mom" he said.

Blow me down with a feather! Not a peep out of him.

Needless to say, I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and ran..... as far as the door. Then he started his usual tricks - screaming, crying, sobbing, all the time with these desperate eyes looking everywhere for Mom. Already being at the door, I figured that I'd drop Nellie and dash back.

With Nellie duly dropped off and signed in and kissed and placated, I headed back to the tots' room, only to discover that he was no longer crying.

Needless to say, I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and ran.....

I kept expecting to have my phone go off, so every few minutes I would check it, just to make sure that it was working. It was.

It seems that my little boy has finally realised that he doesn't need to be tied to Mommy's apron strings, and that Mommy will come back to collect him.

But wait - there's more.

Normally, going to school in the morning is a test of how focussed I can be. Can I manage to drive my car while my brains are being drilled out of my head by the piercing screaming coming from the back seat at the volume of a jet engine. Yes, my car is one of those that other parents stare at as it drives past, wondering what on earth that mother has done/ is doing to her child? There must be abuse going on. Abuse? Yes, but the only abuse is of my ear drums...

Anyway, this morning - no tears, no crying, no screaming. OK, thinks me, it'll start when we get to school. Yup, that'll be it. He's just in a good mood.

As we pull up in the driveway, he starts to moan. Here goes, thinks me, bracing for the verbal onslaught. But no - he's just asking to have his bag put on his bag.

Wait - say that again... he's asking for WHAT? His bag to be put on his back?!?!

Ok, then his screaming will start as we go in.

But no, there is silence as we head down the walkway. Silence, apart from chatter, that is. You know - chatter??? As in, chatting about stuff, and not screaming.

OK. He's obviously in a very good mood. But it'll start when I leave. He hates that.

In we go. Hang up Nellie's bag. Help clean up a bit after kids were playing in the school the previous night. Get the chairs set up at the window, so they can say goodbye through the window. I give both kids a big hug and kiss, then go round to the window.

"Bye Mom!" says the little man. 'KISS!!!' I gave him a stunned kiss, then kissed the girl, did 'last touch' and said the ritual 'Seeya later alligator - in a while crocodile' greeting.

I turned to go, and wandered back down the walkway to a chorus of 'Bye Mommy' echoing behind me. I reached my car in a daze. Could it be? Not a whimper, not a murmur. Not a single scream or cry to be heard.

My son has obviously decided that it's okay to go to school.

Of course, we'll probably have screams again tomorrow.

Look, Ma, no hands!

This video is about a week late. It should have posted last weekend, but there was a problem with my Pixelpipe (lovely little site that allows you to upload a video just once and it then posts it to multiple sites for you). Anyway, here it is finally...

I should point out that we had two screaming fits beforehand - the first because he didn't want to get dressed to get in the car, the second because he didn't want to get undressed to go swimming. Oh the joys of parenting a two-yr old!

A new era

Today marked the dawning of a new era in our lives: the era in which both our kids are at school. It has finally happened - my baby boy is no longer a baby. He started at playschool/ creche/ nursery school today. He'll only be going for 3 mornings a week, but it still feels like a significant step for us.

He's at the same place that Nellie went. It's a bit of a drive from where we live, but we love the place and staff and other kids there, so we're prepared to make the drive, for the moment at least. (By comparison, there's another place around the corner from us in the next street... we've put his name down on the waiting list for next year, but if he gets in, I don't know how we'll choose between them.)

Since we're on holiday, Nellie is going with him for those 3 mornings. We're hoping that having her around with him will help him to settle in. Also, because they're not as structured during the holidays, I'm hopeful that he will settle more easily. We've got 2 weeks until we're back at school (and then things will become INCREDIBLY manic - but I'm not going to think about that now). Nellie took 6 months to settle and stop crying when I left. Will 2 weeks be enough for the boy, or is he also going to cry for 6 months?

I really hope not. Please God, not! I hope he learns to love it really soon.

Scary moment

We decided to make the most of the sunshine today and took the kids to the Common. We were playing on and around the fallen trees, when an old school friend & his wife showed up. We were standing chatting when Nathan suddenly started screaming. I turned around to see him fallen over, and blood pouring off his face - far more blood than I've seen in a while. In that instant, my heart stopped. There's nothing like seeing your child injured like that.

But then, reason reasserted itself. If he's screaming, he's going to be fine. It's the silent ones that are seriously injured. Also, the face/head area always bleeds far more than the injury seems to warrant, so however much blood there appeared to be, the injury probably wouldn't be that serious.

Running over, I realised that he'd tripped and fallen, but because he was holding a stick in his hand, he had gouged himself with the stick. Thank God, it didn't go into his eye! (Could you imagine if that happened?) At first, I couldn't see what the damage was, because there was so much blood and I didn't have anything to staunch the flow with. Fortunately though, the friend's wife is a doctor. She took a quick look, and assured us that it wasn't too serious.

We headed back to the car and cleaned him up a bit, to discover that he has a rather large chunk missing from his lip. I'm sure will leave a permanent scar. Poor baby - he's going to struggle to eat and drink for a while, but he'll live.

The mother breathes a sigh of relief. The child takes a massive dose of painkillers with his bottle. Here's hoping we BOTH sleep better tonight.

Birthday boy

The birthday boy's comment on his cake & being sung to? WOW!

What a weekend he has had! Presents galore, and TWO parties! (Yup, he also went to the party of his almost-twin who was born 2 weeks after him.) Needless to say, he's been wired all weekend, and on a serious sugar high, but it's been so good to see him happy after the misery we've had the past week or so. (Ugh, let's not go there...)

In addition to some of the wonderful presents he received, he also got a new tooth! What a lucky boy. Good thing the tooth fairy doesn't have to pay for new teeth, just old ones!

Cuteness is edible

I am loving the current stage that Nathan is at. Not a day goes by that he doesn't do something that makes me want to eat him up, or cry, because he's just being so gorgeous and cute.

Like the other day...

We're sitting in the car and he's playing with the courtesy light above his chair. "Lil-ight, lil-ight" (little light, little light) he cries, very excited that he's now big enough to be able to reach up and switch it on while he's buckled up. Mother tolerantly plays along for a while.

"Yes my love, that's right - little light!"

After the 100th time though, being exuberant about the same thing is getting a little stale though, so Mother reaches back and switches the light off. "That's enough now, Nathan."

"NO, Mommy! (sucks teeth) AGGGGGGGG!" And Nathan promptly switched it back on.

Well, I tell you, I nearly wet myself. He was just so adorable I couldn't help but play along for a further 100x.

Or on Sunday, when Nellie and I were singing the 2nd verse of 'Twinkle, Twinkle'.

(Did you know there's a 2nd verse? Isn't it amazing the things you learn when your kid goes to pre-primary school? Of course, don't ask me to repeat it - I can't remember it now!)

At one point, there was a natural break in our singing, and suddenly, from the back seat, just as I'm reversing out of the driveway, I hear "ikle, ikle, lil aar...". I was so excited I nearly crashed the car!

Since then, he has frequently asked for us to sing it, and also "Spiderman" (he has Spiderman slippers). One minute, he has shown absolutely NO interest in singing, and the next, he can't get enough of it.

And he's started saying Xhosa words. Finally! (or A word at least....) He understands it perfectly (or as well as he understands English), but till now has shown no inclination to speak it. I knew he'd get there eventually, but it's nice that we've reached that point. (Now I have to start learning too... if he's going to start speaking it then I need to know what he's saying.)

And I just LOVE seeing how much joy and satisfaction he gets from being able to do new things, or say new words. He genuinely relishes his own development, and I take joy in his joy.

Appointments

At 8am this morning G had an interesting appointment with "Qqqqqqqqww".

Yup, it seems that Nathan has learnt how to enter appointments into Daddy's cell phone.

Gobbilicious

I love Nathan at this age! He's just so cute I really could eat him up!

He's learning to talk, and almost every week sees new words being added to his vocabulary. Recently, he learnt about trucks.... except that because he can't say 't', it comes out right. He can't say 'd' properly either, so both 'truck' and 'duck' come out as 'kak'! (For the non-Afrikaans speakers, 'kak' is an Afrikaans swear word that means 'shit'. ROFL!) It's rather interesting to be driving along with him in the car, only to suddenly hear him shouting out as loud as he can: KAK! KAK! KAK! I wonder what other drivers think?

New things he's learnt recently:

• how to put a dvd into the dvd-player (seriously!)
• how to open the front gate by himself
• that standing on the lounge table gets a reaction from both parents
• that drawing on things with a black permanent marker also gets a reaction from both parents

Yup, he's a boy!

But he does have a tender side. He's started obliging and giving big MWAH kisses when I leave for work. Today we went for a picnic at Kirstenbosch, Graeme fell asleep on the picnic blanket. Nathan came and sat next to him, and gently stroked his head. Aahhh!!

Talking is such fun, and other stories

Over the Christmas period Nathan has started talking nineteen-to-the-dozen. His repetoire now includes:

Bye bye! See you!

WOW! Look at that!

Ki-Kyu (thank you)

Car!

NO!

More!

Uppie!

Down!

Mama!

NiNi (Daddy - don't ask, I don't know how NiNi is Daddy, but it is!)

Nel!

Oupa!

Tata!

Wear this! (handing you some or other item of clothing)

Shoes!

Oink

Moo

Miaow

And yes, nearly everything is followed by an exclamation mark.

The cutest use of words this past week has got to be when he handed me a smelly, dirty sock and said, "Shoes! Wear this!" and then got VERY upset with me when I refused. Sweet child!

He continues to grow at a phenomenal rate. This weekend we measured him and he is taller at 19 months than his sister was at 2 years. He's wearing size 8 shoes (and they're on the tight/ small size), and his clothes are now in the 3-4yrs category. Yup. At 19 months. I have no idea how we're going to keep this child in clothes if he continues to grow at this rate, so if any of you parents of boys out there want to pass on any unused clothing our way, I would be most grateful!

Still - he brings such joy into my life that I can't help but love him - or maybe he brings such joy into my life because I love him....