Blessings

Over the past few weeks I've been counting my blessings. Partly it's been brought about by some work we've been doing with our Born Sleeping contacts (heartbreaking stuff!) and partly because I've been working all the hours God gives and Graeme has picked up the flak and partly because I've just been looking more.

I've been struck by how amazing my kids are. Nathan is tenacious, to say the least. When he's getting enough sleep (!!) he is just so cute he's edible - polite, sweet, adorable, affable, funny, cheerful, loving. (When he's not, he's a nightmare who will scream and kick and throw a DIVA fit for longer than my patience lasts.) Janel is a genuine fairy princess. She's just so beautiful - even with her scruffy, fuzzywuzzy hair, tomboy scruffy appearance, and filthy feet and hands. Her personality is beautiful too - she's such a loving, caring, helpful, concerned BIG girl.

Maybe I'm just more aware of their awesomeness because I've been thinking a lot about Zoe recently. I'm conscious that I need to celebrate them while I have them.

I had a very interesting conversation with Janel the other night, about Zoe. She burst into tears because she was missing Zoe, and that prompted a long conversation about why God allowed Zoe to die. I was amazed by her questions - why God allowed her to die, why He wouldn't tell us the reason now (why we'd have to wait till we got to heaven to know the truth), why Janel and Nathan didn't die at birth, what their names all mean (Janel - God is gracious, Zoe - life, Nathan - gift of God).

While I was pleased to have the conversation with her, it broke my heart to see how much she misses her sister, how much she longs for her, and be unable to fill that hole in her. I know how it feels to grieve someone for whom you have no real memories, yet someone with whom you have a close bond. It makes grieving harder in many respects.

At least she doesn't have to deal with the adult mentality that because there are no memories, she shouldn't feel anything. It felt good to be able to tell her that it was okay to long for her sister, to be sad that Zoe's not here, to cry. It felt good to be able to speak that truth into her heart and hold her while she cried. But at the same time, it broke my heart. I don't like seeing my baby going through that kind of pain. As her mother, I'm supposed to be able to protect her from everything. (I know, I can't, but I feel like I should be able to.)

In the conversation, I was also able to explain to her why Nathan is such a special boy - that he wouldn't be here if Zoe had lived, because we wouldn't have had another child. I pointed out to her that Nathan really is a gift from God, because she nearly died, and Zoe did die, and Nathan wouldn't have been here if it weren't for Zoe's death. Maybe I'm just reading stuff into something that isn't actually there, but since then, I've seen her make more of an effort to play lovingly with him.

The other blessing in my life, that I've counted daily, is Graeme. I honestly don't know how I wound up with such an amazing man. I know that I don't deserve him - he's the most incredible man I know. I can't even begin to count the ways in which he is a blessing in my life. And I feel just awful that I don't treat him accordingly. I could say I'm too busy, but the truth is I'm just to self-absorbed. As I said, I really don't deserve him.

Like today... A few days ago we bought new bikes. Last night we started trying to adjust them to be able to use them, and I couldn't do what needed to be done - a combination of the wrong tools and lack of physical strength. He had an initial look at it, and couldn't fix it either (lack of know-how and wrong tools). When something I really want doesn't materialise, I get incredibly disappointed. The way my disappointment manifests is that I become very tired, very low and very cross with the world.

Rather than trying to change my mood, or getting cross with me for throwing an adult-style tantrum (and withdrawing entirely from the family), he calmly popped the kids in the bath, did a quick Google search, then picked up the tools, tried again and fixed what I couldn't. He did it because he knew it was something important to me. He did it because he loves me. He did it because he knew that it was the quickest way to help me feel better. What a hero!

So, this Christmas, I am counting my blessings, the ones closest to me. God is good!

Present time

Some photos of the kids from this morning. Nathan will get his BIG present tomorrow. In the meantime, here he is playing with some of Nellie's.

Christmas family madness (video)

Christmas time is here again...

We have 3 families to celebrate Christmas with - my mom & stepdad, my dad and stepmom, and G's family. My dad & stepmom have 6 kids between them. G is one of 4 siblings, as is his dad. So you can see that we're part of a rather large clan. And trying to get them all together in one place is nigh on impossible. Hence, we have a 3 year rotational plan. This year it was G's family's turn to have us. They're a mad bunch, but in a nice mad kind of way.

One of the uncles traditionally organises home-made Christmas crackers. Each cracker contains a teeny gift, along with a forfeit. The forfeits range from having to read a poem, sing a song, reminisce about Christmases past, taking part in bizarre competitions, acting out some charade or other, etc. Then, there's the family forfeit, where everyone has a role to play in some sort of mini-play or tableau or carol singing thing.

This year, the theme was the nativity tableau. Every one was assigned a role, and then had to sing a song that went with their role. The catch was that they had to all sing their bit at the same time. I had a really hard time trying not to laugh while holding my phone.

I'll post the video in a separate post, cos it's large (nearly 7MB). Enjoy the madness that is my family.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

'Tis the season to be jolly... fa la la la la, la la la la....

I've been to 2 Carols services so far this year, which is 100% improvement on last year. The school had its first Carols, which was nice (but lots to improve on for future years), especially given how last minute it came about. The second was our church's service. That was really fabulous - for me, anyway. I'm not sure the kids enjoyed it as much. The carols were all VERY rocky, which was lovely. I can't ABIDE singing 'Hark the herald angels sing' and falling asleep in the midst of it. I mean, c'mon - if Christmas is such good news, and we're supposedly BURSTING with joy, then why are the carols so... dour, dismal, boring?? So I had a fabulous time.

The kids got to dress up for the church carols. Nathan was too young to have any say, so Mommy dressed him as a shepherd. Of course, given the time of the service, the little man was asleep even before we got there...

But then woke up part of the way through the service, and just wanted to run around...

Despite the fact that there are no fairies in the Christmas story, Nellie insisted on dressing up as a fairy. (Blink. Stare.) She's still gorgeous though.

End of year madness

It was the last week of September. I was standing in MerryPak. That's when it struck me: this year-end is going to be crazy. How did I know that? Quite simply, because as I was waiting in the queue, gazing around me, I realised that the MerryPak staff had ALREADY put out their Christmas stock. Yup - it wasn't even the end of Sep and the new Christmas trees were out.

Our year-end is crazy anyway. In the space of 41 days we have: my birthday, Nellie's birthday, Graeme's birthday, my mother's birthday, my mother-in-law's birthday, my step-father's birthday, and two of Graeme's uncles' birthdays. Oh yes, and a little celebration called Christmas. Christmas is complicated as well because we have 3 families to split ourselves between because my folks are divorced.

To pay for all this, I do matric marking, to try to make a little bit of extra money. So for me work only finishes about 10 days after school closes, so there is less time available to plan for Christmas.

Before most of these events take place, I still have a manic term at school to get through - exam setting, exam marking, planning for the next year (sorting out the sets for each grade, planning schemes of work, sorting out the server files, etc, etc), organising reports, etc. Plus, since I'll be doing matric marking, I'll have to leave school a day or two before it closes, so all my work will have to be done early.

Sigh.

Sigh sigh.

Still, at the end of the madness there are going to be some AWESOME parties, and CHRISTMAS! Yay!! And this year my little-big brother and his family will be home for a visit from the UK. Double Yay!!

It's going to be madness, but the end is already in sight. After all, MerryPak's Christmas stuff has been out for several weeks now.

And so it begins...

I had a naked little Christmas elf help me this year. "Mommy, can I do the decorations?" Except, it came out more like, Mommy, can I do de de-cray-tions? We were all very pleased with the final product. (There is actually a star on the top of the tree, and not a bow, but as it's silver it doesn't stand out against the background.)

Of course, this time of the year makes me realise that this time last year I hadn't done our scrapbook for MONTHS... and I still haven't. So this year, I'm going to take it with us on holiday, as a holiday project. It HAS to get done. 2 years is a long time not to do something, and if I leave it for any longer, it will become too huge a task and will never get done. Just yesterday Nellie was asking to look at her birth scrapbook, so there's definitely value in it. Actually, in our new home I'm going to make sure there are enough shelves to display all our scrapbooks (at the moment, half of them are packed out of sight and mind), so that looking at them doesn't become a chore to first have to go and FIND them.

And of course, with putting up the stockings, came the inevitable question about Father Christmas... do we or don't we tell her? Mommy took a unilateral decision to tell her. She already knows that Father Christmas brought her a present at nursery, so we may as well go the whole hog. I told her that the stocking is from Father Christmas, who only brings presents to good children. Later, when she was starting to misbehave, I told her to stop being rude, and her immediate response was - "I'm being good now Mommy. Father Christmas will bring me presents." Yippee! Mommy is vindicated! There is value in this myth - it makes children behave!!!

However, Graeme had a BRILLIANT idea: teach her that Christmas is not just about receiving, but also about giving. We're each going to take her out and let her choose a present to give to Mommy/ Daddy, which she will help to wrap, and then give to us. If we were in Cape Town for Christmas, then I think we'd extend it even further and take her with us to deliver food parcels & toys to folks working on Christmas (police, garage attendants, hospital staff, etc) and/ or to children in hospital (if they'll let her in).

On a side track, I realised the other day that I'm already bored. Only been on holiday a week and I'm bored. Yup. Read about 6 books and seen 2 movies already, and I'm bored. Part of the problem is that my afternoons and evenings are a wipe out because of nausea, which means that whatever I do, I'm not able to enjoy it fully. That means that I have no energy to play, no energy to garden, no energy to go to the park, or to do anything else even vaguely interesting. However, part of the problem is simply that I've forgotten how to slow down and do nothing. Hmm... I will have to work on that this holiday - sitting around doing nothing. I'm sure I can manage that?!

Christmas day improves

After a flipping good howl while I was laying the table for lunch for 17, followed by a howl on Graeme's shoulder, I felt much better. Lunch proceeded to be a laugh a minute and a huge success. What a great day! Thank God.

Another bit of good news is that Nellie's fever has broken. Turns out that she DOES have baby measles (which isn't actually measles, I discovered - it's called roseola). The down side of this is that now she has too much energy to sleep. She's only JUST gone to bed (after 1opm, when her 'normal' bedtime is 7pm). The poor baby is covered in a rash now. Sigh! The joys!

Packing for our holiday will have to wait till tomorrow morning. I need SLEEP!

Love to you all, hope you had a FABULOUS day!

What's Christmas all about anyway?

One of the blogs I read asked for advice about toddlers and small kids lying and hiding things away. It's an interesting topic, and one that, thankfully, we've not really had to deal with yet.

A study done with littleys shows that there are 4 stages to the development of lying in a child. First, they have no concept of being able to lie, or how that might benefit them, so they always tell the truth. Then they realise that they don't have to tell the truth, but still can't actually lie, so stay silent in order to avoid trouble. Then they start to lay the blame at someone else's door - but can't yet identify who a logical alternative is, so for example will say that their teddy did it. Finally, they are not only able to lay the blame at someone else's door, but able to choose a viable alternative, someone that might actually have done it.

One woman, Rachel, who commented, said that what she had been telling hers is that stealing, hiding and dishonesty makes our hearts grow as heavy as rocks. When this happens the rocks fall into out tummies and make us awful sick. I LOVE that image. It's exactly what guilt feels like, and guilt does make us ill, so it's being truthful while putting the idea into words a kid can grasp.

I heard a story this evening while at supper with my mother's side of the family about my cousins who stole their mother's belt and buried it, and then gave the belt a proper funeral service - all because they hated getting the occasional hiding from her with it! How cute is that? Kids know what they want, and will find a way to get it.

This blogger's situation was that her child hid her phone away (not so accidentally), and turned it onto silent (accidentally). She commented that maybe her child did this because she spent so much time on the phone. A common toddler response, by the way, to you being on the phone is to misbehave. They can be playing happily by themselves, the phone goes and INSTANTLY they want your undivided attention, and then start to whine/ scream to get it.

Lots of parents advocate developing a signal that the child can give you when she really wants your attention, but stress that then you must listen to it when she uses it, and switch your phone off/ stop doing whatever you are doing. I have no idea whether this actually works with toddlers, but can see the value with older kids.

While our work (at home, or at work, or our ministry, or whatever) is vital, God can raise up others to do it (hard to hear, I know, but ultimately true). Children are precious, and only have one Mommy. It won't be long before they're off and out of the house for good - I know you know all this, but it is so important that we appreciate them while we have them, that I think it bears repeating.

I wish I'd really understood that while Zoe was still alive. Even now, I have to remind myself to stop and smell the flowers with Janel, remind myself that life does not consist of endless doing, but, rather, of endless being. Who (or what) we choose to be with is the vital decision - ourselves? our children? our computers? our TVs? our spouses/ partners? our kitchens? our cleaning equipment?

Ultimately, isn't that what Christmas is about? Jesus choosing to be with us - in the flesh, not at a distance going 'yes, yes, dear, I'm just busy stopping this earthquake in Guatemala [or whatever]; I'll pay attention to you when I've finished'?

This Christmas doesn't feel at all like Christmas to me. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, or what I'd expected, but this was not it. I never used to like Christmas, in fact, I positively dreaded it. And it seems that nothing much has changed. I guess it's the stress of not being able to have one big happy family. Christmas-time makes me aware of how fragmented my family is. Blended families have unique pressures at times like these, and just because the kids grow up does not mean those pressures decrease.

I was reflecting earlier today that all I really want for Christmas is to have our entire family (all 70 odd of them) in one place at the same time, and for Graeme's family and my family to get along with each other, and to like each other, and for us to have enough time to talk properly to each of them, and for no one person to be stressing about catering or hosting. That, for me, would an incredible Christmas. But of course, that's the stuff of dreams.

They don't get on, they don't like each other (at least, that's how it appears to me!), and it feels like we're being torn in different directions with each family wanting their time with Janel (and us). All have said to us that they understand and that we should choose just one family each year, but then all of them demonstrate just how much they would miss us if they didn't see us. Kind of puts us between a rock and a hard place. I WANT to be with my parents. That already tears us in two. Then there's Graeme's family. Rrriiiippp. Then, it's Graeme's birthday (on Christmas Eve) so he wants to see his family (and vice versa) for that. Rrrrriiiipp. Please don't misunderstand, I love our family dearly, and seeing them is never a burden. I just find the stress of managing their expectations against my own desires very difficult.

So that brings me back to the question - what is Christmas actually all about? It's not about materialism, although buying and opening presents is great fun. (Can you tell that presents are one of my primary love languages?) It's not about doing stuff, although traditions and rituals bring a sense of security and familiarity. It's not about being with your family (ironically, we didn't see family for several Christmases and it felt more Christmassy than when we did!), although spending time with them is precious and special. It's not about going to church - at least, it never has been for me. I seldom go to church over Christmas because I hate carols. (Too much enforced carols practice at school!) It's not about the snow or lack thereof (personally, I think I prefer snow.)

That brings it down to one thing - the real deal. Jesus. It's about him, and him choosing to become a human being. And of course, he's the one person that I'm most struggling to talk to at the moment. Where does that leave me? I'm not sure.

No money (ok, not really true if you take in account a global perspective on wealth), no friends (not really true either if you have that global perspective, although so few of them have bothered to send us a card it sure feels that way - out of sight, out of mind I guess), no Zoe. And just in case I was thinking of having a good festive season despite all of that stuff, I got struck down with flu for a few days, and just as I'm recovering, Graeme and Nellie are both ill. (We suspect Nellie has measles.)

The only thing I am sure of this Christmas is that this is probably the suckiest one ever.

Edited to add:
I'm sorry I sound so miserable. It's just that several people have, in the space of 2 days, talked about Zoe openly for the first time, and it's been hard keeping my tears in check. I felt I had to, however, because this is supposed to be the season of joy, and I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. And it's not all doom and gloom. We had a lovely tea this morning for Graeme with friends, and we had a lovely meal with my folks this evening, and I'm sure that our meal with Graeme's family tomorrow will be lovely too.

Sigh!

Last days... there is always something nostalgic about last days, even when one is pleased to be moving on.

Today was my last official work day at my current school, but it's been a slow wind-down as I had little to do. However, I've already started doing work for the new school. I have several units of work to prepare, and my lab is in DIRE need of a clear out. I doubt my predecessor, nor hers, has done a proper spring clean, so we're talking about more than a decade's worth of accumulated junk... joy. Not. Sigh!

I had my first proper exit interview today. Previous schools have done something on a more informal basis, which I doubt had any effect. I hope today's interview has an impact. By the end of the interview, I was surprised by how much I've picked up about the running of the school in just 6 months - things that, it would appear, the senior management are not aware of; things that seriously need to change. (That is not to imply that the school is poorly run, or that I am glad to see the back of it - merely that no institution is perfect and there are always things that can be improved upon.)

I am sad to leave. Apart from a handful of horrid boys in my register class, I really liked the boys, and I really loved the staff. I made some good friends in my short time there, and I will miss them next year - one in particular. Since I was a young girl I always wished for a sister. I love my brothers dearly, but I always wanted a sister. I think I may have found her in the person of Paola - the most dear, wonderful, amazing, inspiring woman. I will miss her tremendously.

But in the midst of all this work related stuff, life has been mad. My birthday passed in a quiet fashion with a handful of friends popping over for drinks (which was actually quite raucous at one point). Nellie's birthday, however, spanned several events. Firstly there was the family tea with Graeme's family (which was also a celebration of my birthday), then the birthday tea at nursery with her classmates, then there was the dinner with the grandparents, and finally the party with the cousins and extended family. Sjoe! Marathon. She's still singing happy birthday to herself, so I think she's got the idea that she has a birthday month, not just a birthday week, or birthday! Hmm... shall have to work on this concept for my birthday....

We've also had major stress about her eating habits at home (or lack thereof), only to realise that all toddlers go through something like this, and that since she's grown 2.5cm in 3 months, we're doing something right. So - deep breath - I think we can relax a bit on this issue and stop beating ourselves up about it.

And so one chapter closes and another begins. The Christmas Mania. God knows how we're going to manage this every year. The birthday madness followed immediately by the Christmas madness. I think my brother has the right idea - buy a farm and disappear to it for the entire holidays. This year was going to be more stressful, I thought, but it's actually working out ok (so far!), which is saying something given that there are 3 families to accommodate (my folks are both remarried), plus it's Graeme's birthday on Christmas Eve, plus both our mothers have their birthdays around New Year (one on the 30th, one on the 1st), plus the various in-laws don't seem to get on with each other very well, plus it's our first Christmas at home in YEARS, with the first grandchild being in attendance. So - only mildly stressful.

But surprise, surprise - I actually think it's all going to work out ok. Graeme's doing a birthday tea for his family on the 23rd, his family are coming to us on Christmas day, one set of my parents aren't doing Christmas this year - they're joining my brother on the farm - so we'll see the other lot on Christmas Eve (and celebrate G's birthday with them then). Sjoe! That was easily handled, I thought. If only everything in life was that simple.

And things for next year are already looking more complicated. It seems that news of my business is already spreading - I'm not even fully into production yet, and I'm already getting queries about stocking my stuff in baby boutiques in other provinces!!! I'm thrilled, but it has rather upped the ante. So, I've taken the plunge and I've booked a stand at the Baba Indaba baby show in Cape Town in July 2008. It's costing me an arm and a leg, but I think the exposure will be good. Plus, I think having a deadline to work towards will help me a lot. (But it does mean that I will not be getting 6 weeks of holiday this summer, or 3 weeks over Easter next year!)

Will this never end?

Here's hoping that following Christmas our lives will settle back into some sort of normality!!

We were supposed to be going away for Christmas, to house-sit for a friend's mother. But we're still in London and no longer going. What happened? Well, this week is was my turn to be rushed to hospital.

I had a routine ante-natal appointment with my consultant (whom I actually got to see!!!! only an hour and 20 minutes late, but I got to see her!!!) at the end of which, she and the registrar who was with her both thought I looked a little 'blue'. Blueness, for those not in the know, means that you're not getting enough oxygen into your blood, and while pregnant that can have significant knock-on effects for the baby. A quick check of my hands, lips, tongue etc later, and I was being rushed off to St Thomas's for a full check-up. And when the consultant said full, she wasn't kidding!

I had 3 different doctors listen to my chest and give me a physical, an ECG, an ultrasound of my heart (ECO), bloods taken from an artery in my wrist (which thankfully the regsitrar used a local anaesthetic to take because Graeme said his was very sore!), and several lung function tests. Of course, all this was done while being hooked up to a monitor that measured my blood pressure, oxygen levels in my blood (which was between 95-100% the entire time, so really excellent, particularly given that I have a cold, am feeling quite breathless and tired) and number of breaths per minute. The only thing they didn't do was take a chest X-ray, as they ruled out TB from my history. As all of this took about 24 hours to do I was in hospital overnight. And they still don't know why I was blue because everything came back normal (or at least, normal for being 24 weeks pregnant - some slight abnormalities in my heart, but nothing that couldn't be explained by the pregnancy).

Those who know me though, will know that I often have blue lips and fingers. I will admit to getting a fright though when I looked in the mirror and saw a blue tongue. That's a first for me! So I still have blue lips, and blue fingers, but apparently the doctors are now satisfied that that's just a quirk of my genes and has no implication for my oxygen levels. Al the checks of the baby came back fine too - baby is growing well and seems happy, thank God!

The only positive thing I can see in this whole mess is that I got a complete break for just over 24 hours from looking after other people! It was lovely to be able to just lie in bed for a while without feeling that I ought to get up and [insert a typical mother job here - cook/ entertain/ clean/ tidy up/ bath/ fetch someone from somewhere/ run around like a headless chicken/ etc]. I could just lie and read or sleep and not feel guilty at all. That was lovely! It also made me realise just how much these past few weeks have taken out of me and how much I wish my parents were around to help...

On that note, one of the other major stresses in my life has been waiting to hear whether or not my dad's cancer had returned. About 2 weeks ago he found another lump, so was scheduled for surgery at the start of this past week. When the doctors went in, the lump was gone - no trace of it anywhere. Praise God!! Now if that isn't an answer to prayer, I really don't know what is! But needless to say, waiting for news has weighed heavily on us all, and having Graeme rushed off to A&E in the midst of all of that was not easy to bear either. I consider this miracle the best Christmas present I could get this year, so thank you Lord for your grace and favour shown to me and my family!

My only remaining question is - will this be the end, or will there be more trouble to come in the New Year? Either way, I hope to celebrate the good things we have now, while they last, and while we have the time and space to rest. We may not be where I'd like for Christmas, and we may not be as healthy as I'd like, but we're alive and have each other, and that's a lot more than many have.

And then there were five....

Tooth #5 has made its way out into the world - at last.

Graeme was away for two days in Edinburgh with work last week, so I was on my own with her. This was then followed by Graeme working late several nights this week and being ill (having caught Janel's viral thing). Janel, meanwhile, was pushing out her tooth (with all the ensuing drama that brings). I was busy at work as my Year 9's wrote their mock SATS (which we then had to mark - lovely! 3 papers, 150 scripts for each set, and only 2 full time staff plus me....). Physically I'm getting worse and I suspect I'm developing PSD, which (if I'm right and it isn't halted) may mean I'll be in a wheel chair for the last few weeks of the pregnancy. I'm finding walking very painful, but I'm trying not to let that stop me walking as I need the exercise. To top it all off, Graeme's viral thing then sparked a chest infection resulting in him going to A&E and then being admitted to hospital for 2 days. (He's still recovering, but at home now and on strict bed rest.)

In the midst of all this we've been on tenterhooks waiting for my dad to have his op on Tuesday (he has another lump in the same place as last time....) to find out whether the cancer is back or not.

So all in all, the past 2 weeks have not been fun and we are all exhausted. Needless to say, all I want for Christmas is peace, quiet and as little fuss and hassle as possible, so that the 3 of us can have a lovely Christmas together as a new family.

However, we had a fun time this morning at swimming. What was supposed to be only a 1 week postponement because of the relining of the pool became a 6 week complete refurbishment. But we are finally back for our final 2 lessons (the last one is tomorrow). To say thank you for the inconvenience, the instructor took 2 underwater photos of us this morning. That, along with getting used to the new pool and swimming again after a 6 week break, was all rather intense for Janel. I doubt the photos will come out nicely, but we'll see. If they're any good I'll put them up on the blog.

We'll be away from Thursday, so the next blog will probably only be after New Year, unless something momentous happens before then!

Have a great Christmas! Remember that the real reason we celebrate is because God gave us the greatest gift - his Son - born as a baby (and what new meaning that takes on for me now!) in Bethlehem, and may that remembrance bring you great and everlasting joy. Shalom to you all!