Friday, June 12, 2009

The gory details

Graeme has already told the basic story of Nathan's birth on FB here. I will spare you a repetition of them. However, what is missing is the description of my feelings & thoughts during the process.

While my only priority was to get him out alive, I was very tired to begin with. I hadn't slept well on Mon night, and then being woken at midnight on Tues eve didn't help. Unfortunately, with the contractions taking place I couldn't really get back to sleep. I was really looking forward to a quick labour, so became very frustrated as the morning dragged on with very little progress.

By lunchtime, I was in a lot of pain, and already exhausted. I chose not to have pain relief, because I realised fairly quickly on that we were in for a long haul, so wanted to save something for later on. Apart from which, I wasn't sure I could sit still long enough to put an epidural in.

When Steffi then told us my cervix wasn't co-operating & I should get in the bath, I started to think we were heading for a caesar. I was quickly running out of steam. With the contractions being so irregular, some of their effect was being undone in the quieter patches.

Anyway, when I got in the bath & the clots started showing up, I started to panic. However, being in the water triggered something. Having said that, I was in such pain by then I barely had the strength to voice my fears. I came very close to asking for a caesar - I honestly didn't feel I had the energy to push Nathan out. By the time I had decided that was what I wanted though, h had started crowning. While pushing though, I could feel I was out of strength. After several ineffective pushes, Steffi had me turn around. Then we started to get results, but even so I became convinced she was going to have to pull him out, because I couldn't push. As I finally reached the point of giving up, and looked up to tell her I couldn't do any more, I saw his head was already out. Amazing how seeing the object of your actions can be such an inspiring thing! From somewhere (and I really couldn't say where, because I was FINISHED by then) I managed to find the strength for another one or two pushes, and out he came.

I was so relieved he was out, I'm afraid to say I couldn't really consider anything else. Steffi put him on my chest, and I basically passed out. As Graeme said, he was very blue in the face, with his cord around his neck. Graeme then helped cut the cord, and shortly thereafter he & the midwife took Nathan to ICU.

My goal was always just to get Nathan into this world alive. Nothing more. With him out, and alive, I was suddenly faced with the future of raising him. It's taking me a while to bond with him, I think because I didn't allow myself to really contemplate a future with him, just in case. It's happening, but slowly.

After being returned to me in the ward, and his first feed, things regressed again. We couldn't wake him, and thus he wasn't feeding. He spent the night in ICU again, with both nurses and the paediatrician a bit worried about him. However, after 2 bottle feeds (I tried expressing, but that didn't work) he has been much better.

I think the thing I have to remember is that he's prem, even though he isn't technically termed prem anymore (babies have be younger than 36 weeks to be termed prem). As a result, he's feeding every 2 hours, which is exceedingly exhausting. I'm being sensible though and after breastfeeding I've started giving him formula 'top ups' so that he sleeps a bit longer so I can sleep a bit longer too - otherwise I only just get him fed, burped and changed and it's time to start all over again!

He does have a bit of jaundice, so feeding him is vitally important if we want to keep him out of ICU. Other than that though, he's dong really well.

Thanks to everyone for their tweets, FB comments, sms's, emails, phonecalls and visits. Thank you even more for your prayers. It's incredible to think that Nathan is alive and well! Thank you for the part you played in making his birth take place. (By the by, Nathan means 'Gift of God', which he is!)

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