"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something." (If you don't know where that quote is from, then I humbly suggest you get a life.)
I've been married now for just over 11 years. Shocking. I know. Doesn't feel like it. I can still clearly remember walking down the aisle, all those years ago, feeling panicked, but thinking quietly to myself that it wasn't too late - I could still back out of this. All I had to do was say 'No, I do not' when I was asked the pertinent question.
Clearly, I didn't. I'm not sure whether it was because (at the time) I was too scared not to follow through when ALL THOSE PEOPLE were watching me, or because I loved my man enough that the love overcame the fear. Probably somewhere between the two.
Do I regret my decision? On balance, no. I'm very fortunate to have married an incredible man. The longer we are together, the more I appreciate him. He's funny, intelligent, caring, dependable, (usually) thoughtful, supportive, cooks, takes care of me, and loves our daughter enough to get down on the floor and play with her. (He happens to have a bunch of faults, but who doesn't?) Oh yes, and he listens to me!! There are few men in the world today who can tick all those boxes. (Of course, I also happen to love him, which helps a hang of a lot!)
Does that mean I've never wanted out? No. There have definitely been times where I've had enough, or been bored, or thought there must be something (or someone) better out there. At times like those, if thought that if there was a feasible way out I probably would have taken it. However, especially with a child, divorce is not (to me at least) a feasible way out.
Now don't hear me wrong: I am NOT saying that no-one should ever get divorced. There are definitely times when divorce is the lesser of two evils, or when it should actively be sought out. Having lived through my parents' divorce though, I made a vow to myself and to God that I would never go that route. So, when things get tough, I eventually give myself a stern talking to (because the source of the problem, let's be honest, is usually blown out of perspective in my perception of the relationship). 11 years on, and we're still together.
Some of our family though, are not so lucky. I know that certain family members would not want to be identified publicly here, so I'll simply say that there are currently two close family members who are both have marriage problems. The one has had a trial separation and is now back together (although things aren't 'fixed' yet), while the other is going through a divorce. The first, thank God, has no children. The second has 2 kids - the youngest is not even a year old yet. In the midst of all this, and despite all this, one of Graeme's brothers is about to get married (hooray!) after a period of co-habiting.
In a recent edition of Time Magazine, there was a short article about the international trend away from marriage in favour of co-habitation. Aside from the spiritual perspective (which is no small thing for a large sector of the world), marriage was often seen as a way to get a tax break, and to ensure that women (in particular) & children were provided for. The article pointed out that because the laws in most countries now provide at least some measure of legal and financial protection for a surviving partner, or for partners left destitute after the relationship breaks up, or for children born out of wedlock, much of the reason for marriage has fallen away.
While we were in the UK, I did a year's course called 'Workshop' (run by the Anvil Trust) that looked at everything to do with Christianity. While on that course, we did a very interesting study on marriage, and how God views it. Essentially, in God's eyes, it was proposed that marriage equates with (consensual) sex. The piece of paper, or the ceremony held in front of witnesses, is only there as a protective measure for both the parties marrying and for the community in which the couple exists. The real deal, as it were, is whether or not you've had (or are having) sex with another person. If you are, then God sees you as married. (Thus, in God's eyes, co-habiting IS marriage.)
A lot of research has been done over the past 30 years, gathering statistics about co-habitation. It is interesting to note that only about 50% of co-habiting couples get married; that the remaining 50% break up within 5 years; and that for the 50% who do marry, their chances of divorce in the first 5-7 years are double that of any couple who has not co-habited. There are lots of very good reasons for this - like the fact that many people who choose to co-habit rather than get married already have a tainted view of marriage because their parents got divorced, or that they place a much higher value on independence & personal freedom, and therefore view marriage in a less committed light than those who do not co-habit. (Here's a really good summation of the various relevant points about why marriage is better than co-habiting, and why some people still choose co-habiting over marriage, for those who are interested in reading further.)
What many people seem surprised by is that the break-up of a co-habiting relationship is just as painful and messy as a divorce. If you accept what Workshop teaches about how God views marriage, then it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. God's view is that through sex, two people become one entity. Divorce tears that one entity apart, which is why it hurts so much. In addition, there is the dissolution of the household and finances to negotiate, possibly including pets, and sometimes children need to be considered as well.
Co-habiting does not make a subsequent marriage any easier. It does not confer any advantages on the couple's relationship. It is therefore highly advisable that ANY couple choosing to marry (but especially those who have been co-habiting) get some pre-marriage counselling.
My marriage went through a very rocky patch in our first year, and that despite having attended a good pre-marriage course. Everyone who marries finds the first year tough, but we had additional problems to deal with: I was very, very ill for the first 9 months. I got sick with flu on honeymoon, then had several flu's in quick succession, and thus proceeded to develop bronchitis, pneumonia and then pleurisy. I was flat on my back in bed for months. Not a great way to start a marriage. Our first year was also not helped by the fact that we had a tremendous amount of baggage to deal with, as we had had a relationship (with each other) previously that had broken down. The only way to fix that breakdown was either to marry each other, or never see or speak to each other again. The issues that caused that first relationship breakdown were still present when we married (hence my extreme reluctance while walking down the aisle). Combined with my illness, our marriage was set to self-destruct.
Our salvation was - ironically - the marriage itself. We had both taken a vow and we both took our vows seriously. Our vows included the words "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health". In order to honour those vows, we went for counselling. We learnt how to communicate with each other and we learnt a lot about each other. Our marriage has survived, but I don't take it for granted that it has. I recognise that many marriages break down much later on - around 15 years, or else around the time when the kids leave the house (so for us that would be in another 20 years time, or so). I recognise that unless we continue to work on the relationship we will only be steering a course for the rocks. There is no such thing as a divorce-proof marriage. It doesn't exist. Even I, who abhors divorce, could wind up getting divorced.
While I love my hubbie and I love our life together, while I'm really REALLY pleased I said 'I do' and not 'No, I do not', while I could not imagine life without my hubbie or our kids, while I think marriage is a lot of fun, it has also been really, really hard work. In some senses, to paraphrase Wesley: Marriage is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has never really committed to it.
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