Slowing down

Know the feeling where you have so much to do but can't get up the energy to do any of it?

I have a host of things that require attention

1. My pot plants need watering and/or potting out into the garden.
2. The back garden needs a landscaping plan.
3. The garden refuse needs shredding & composting (need to create a site for the compost first).
4. The few items of furniture that we're getting rid of need to photographed & listed online so we can actually sell them, to clear the driveway properly.
   
5. The garage needs shelving so we can clear the stuff off the floor so that it becomes a usable space.
6. The tiling in the kitchen needs finishing.
7. We need 2 more bookcases for the last of our books to be unpacked into.
8. We need to put up all our pictures & ornaments.
9. The dog needs to start being properly trained.
10. I need to get some daily exercise.
11. I need to organize the revision cd-rom for the matrics in the next 3 weeks.
    

But of course, I'm just too exhausted during office hours to contemplate any of it. My energy levels start to approach something resembling an ability to focus & "work" around 4pm, but by 8pm I'm falling asleep sitting up again, which is incredibly frustrating. Of course, it's probably a good thing too, as I'm still trying to figure out the new morning routine with Nellie, & getting used to how long it takes to get Nate & his bag ready to go out, and just generally getting used to having a newborn again. Plus, we're all sick at the moment, so I'm feeling tired from that too.

So, today, after dropping Nellie at nursery, I snuggled back in bed with my son for the rest of the day. There's no denying that my lungs feel better as a result, but I still feel guilty about not getting 'stuff' done - especially getting some exercise. Ridiculous, I know. You'd think I could cut myself some slack, but apparently not.

Learning to slow down is something I struggle with. One of the things that I worry about is becoming a recluse. It's so easy, with a newborn, to just stay at home all the time, never go out, never see anyone, watch rubbish day-time TV all day long. I hate getting to the end of the day and having nothing to show for it. (Being on holiday is the exception to the rule - when you're on holiday, the whole POINT is to do as little as possible. Having a baby is NOT a holiday, so I can't just apply holiday rules to my current situation - that feels fraudulent. Yes, I can be anal about these things. No surprises there.)

Since we have a full-time maid (the idea is that she will become Nate's nanny when I go back to work), my guilt feelings are compounded. Here I am, lying around all day, in the lap of leisure (as it were) and she's working hard. It just feels so wrong. So very wrong.

Not having had a full-time maid/ nanny with Nellie, I'm still trying to figure out how our relationship works, particularly when I'm at home. On the one hand, being early days, I want to do everything for Nate and have him sleep on my chest all day. On the other hand, I want to start handing over some responsibility to her, so that I can make sure she's doing things the way I want them done before I go back to work. I know, I know, I still have 4 months to do that, but that's not very long. So this afternoon I forced myself to leave Nate in her care for an hour while I went out to the library and to collect Nellie.

Of course, Nate was fine when I got back - not that I thought he would be otherwise (I wouldn't have hired her if I'd had any doubts in that department). Never the less, it felt VERY weird, almost wrong, to leave him behind. Part of me felt like a bad mother - he's only 11 days old and already I'm gadding about without him, seemingly without a care in the world. I know that's not true, but emotions never respond to logic.

However, the upshot of all this is that I've decided to try to give myself another week (this week) to rest. I will do my best not to stress about the things that 'need' to be done. (If the plants die, well, then they die.) I will try to give myself permission to stay in bed all day. I will try to cut myself some slack. Having some books to read will help - I can quite happily lie in bed all day and read. Being sick will help too (oddly enough) - I tend to be better about letting myself rest when there's a 'real' reason to.

So if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. All is well - I'm just getting to grips with this idea of slowing down a bit.