Mysteries from Isaiah

A few years back now, I investigated a call to ordained ministry that I have felt pretty much all my life. I can remember, even back in primary school, feeling that all I really wanted to do with my life was preach and teach. However, since in those days women were not allowed to be ministers, I gave up on the idea and pursued a career in teaching.

With the emancipation of women though, it was really only a matter of time before the church recognised that women are able to be ordained ministers too. (I don't want to debate whether there should be male headship right now - that's a WHOLE other issue.) As sentiments changed, and as the Church recognised that God created men and women equal, women have continued their fight for emancipation within the formal structures of the various denominations.

So as I said, a few years back, I felt God prompt me to take this most precious and secret desire of my heart, and lay it on the altar. At the time, I was surrounded by several very wise people, who all supported me in my voyage of discovery. Obviously, I was unsuccessful. That blow knocked my faith in a way that only Zoe's death has surpassed, and that is part of the reason that I have struggled so deeply with my faith.

Anyway, I share all of that as background information, really. The passage that has been so dear to my heart, for more years than I can remember, and that I believe God has used as his call on my life is Isaiah 61:

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

⁵ Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

⁶ And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

As Graeme and I have been searching for a church family to join, I have been reflecting on this call, because if the call is still valid, then we would have to join a church that recognises women's ministry in the pulpit (not as an adjunct to her husband's, but in its own right). My heart's desire is still to preach, although I recognise that I'm not in the best position to do so right at the moment, nor will I be for a while yet I suspect. I have been reflecting on this passage again, wondering whether I misunderstood it, or whether I merely got the timing/ place wrong.

Last night, G and I shared our story about this journey, and about Zoe, and everything in between, with our new home group. With Tues being Zoe's 2nd anniversary, (can it really have been so long ago already? It still feels like only recently that she was here and gone...) and with only 11 weeks to go till induction, these next few weeks have the potential to be quite a bumpy ride for us, and for me in particular. We know that we are going to need their support and prayers in this time, and in order for them to pray effectively, knowing our story is a massive help.

The group immediately offered to pray for us, which we accepted. During that prayer time, the Is. passage came up. I hadn't shared about how precious this passage is to me, so I know it wasn't because of that. It's not the first time in the past month that this passage has come up either. While I know that it's a popular passage, it does rather seem that God is gently bringing this passage back into focus for me.

Why? I'm not sure. Maybe the ultimate reason that ordination didn't happen in the UK is because it was meant to happen here. Maybe it's because God's calling, while a call to preach, is not to ordained ministry, but to a lay preaching ministry. All I know for sure is that God's got plans for me - that much I can sense. Quite how those plans will come together remains a mystery to me.

One the one hand, that mystery excites me, because it feels a bit like going on a treasure hunt. On the other hand, it terrifies me, because I'm not sure I really want to walk in the dark, and hand over this heart's desire once again, just to see it destroyed again.

But then I read through the passage again... wouldn't it be so exciting if I really got to DO all that stuff?!?!?! Oh, I hope it happens... I really hope it does! I want my epitaph to say that I made a difference; that the world is a better place not just because I was in it, but because through me, God's shalom was realised on this small piece of earth I inhabit.