Monday, March 30, 2009

Mixed up

It's one thing when you know that your pregnancy is high risk. It's quite another discovering that a friend is in trouble. For one, you feel so completely helpless. At least, if it's me, I know what the situation is minute by minute. With a friend, you've got to wait for them to sms you (since their phone will mostly be off while in hospital) or call you and let you know progress.

A dear friend has been having problems with her pregnancy just lately - blood pressure stuff. She went into hospital again this past weekend because she was having difficulty breathing & her blood pressure was doing really weird things. After a battery of tests, pre-eclampsia has been ruled out. So has the possibility of an embolism and pregnancy diabetes. Baby is doing absolutely fine. So far so good.

However, they still haven't been able to figure out why her blood pressure is all over the place. She's had to basically cancel her holiday plans (she will still go away, but to a place just over an hour away, rather than the original exotic holiday planned) and now is worried that they will have to induce early. She's about a week ahead of me in terms of gestation.

Praying for her, and worrying about her, over the weekend it struck me afresh how Zoe's death has affected me. I sometimes still struggle to hold other people's babies, and to get excited about them. With this dear friend, my heart was completely in my throat all weekend at the thought that she might have to suffer as I did. Last week, when our deputy head's wife gave birth, I was over the moon about it. Yet, I still struggle to hold family babies... and there are several of them around. Graeme's cousin is also currently pregnant, and I'm finding it really difficult to feel excited for her, yet I'm really excited for my colleague at work (who is 2 weeks ahead of me).

I'm thoroughly mixed up. I can't explain why with friends and colleagues I'm fine, but with family I'm not. It's just so weird. I wish I could though, it would make it a lot easier to deal with.

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