on and off

Isn't it funny how one minute you can be fine, and the next, you're not? I've had about 10 days of feeling really good, being able to get on with my life without needing to weep all the time. Then yesterday afternoon, it all crashed in on me again, and with no warning. And now I'm back to feeling weepy and fragile.

And of course, today would be the day that I had planned to meet up with my NCT mums and their babies.... and the day I'd agreed to babysit Ella...

When I was with the NCT mums, I took a turn at holding all the little ones so that their mums could have tea/ deal with their firstborns/ go to the loo/ etc, and so that I could also get my fill of holding a baby again. In retrospect, that may not have been a wise idea. It made me so aware of how all these women have TWO children, and I only have the one. I know that I am lucky to have one, when there are so many women who either can't conceive, or who have lost their firstborn, but right now, one is not enough.

A few minutes ago I was sitting giving Ella a bottle, looking into her little eyes, and I couldn't help myself wishing she was Zoe, or thinking about how Zoe would be this size, but with blue eyes. You know how when you're breastfeeding any baby crying, or any strong emotion you feel towards a baby, will set your boobs off leaking? Well, looking at this little one, I could almost feel mine starting, although of course, there's no milk.... It's heartbreaking.

I want my little baby. It's just not fair that Nellie's been denied her little sister, or that Graeme & I have been denied our little girl. Our family is not complete without her. It's just not fair.

But it's pointless getting all worked up about it, because it's not going to change anything - and I think that's the hardest of all to bear... that no matter how much I may stamp my feet, wail, beg, plead, or yell, nothing will bring Zoe back. Nothing will change the fact that she is gone. And I miss her so much.

PS. To the NCT ladies who follow the blog: Please don't feel guilty about any of this - I really DID enjoy myself this morning. It was lovely seeing you, and your little ones are just gorgeous, and I loved holding them. And I meant what I said about babysitting for you. It's just that I've been so fine for a while that I wasn't expecting to react the way I did...