The past little while has been incredibly hectic. It feels a bit like being in a whirlwind. I don't really feel I've had much 'down' time recently, although by the amount of stuff that hasn't been done, I've obviously had quite a bit of 'down' time. I think all this activity has helped to keep my grief at bay.
Yesterday afternoon I decided that I simply had to clean the house and tidy up. I just couldn't let another day go past without it being done. But I didn't really want to do any of it. I was tired and irritable (again). So to help motivate myself I put on a New Wine CD I bought in 2005 because it had this cool song on it which really helped me transition through the grief of non-selection. I turned the volume up (and didn't feel at all guilty about the neighbours, for a change) and went into the kitchen to do the dishes... and promptly burst into tears.
Washing dishes when you can't actually see what you're washing was a new experience for me. I was very glad that there was no-one home in the flat that directly overlooks our kitchen, because I don't think I was a very pretty sight. I haven't had a soul wrenching sob like that for weeks now, so no doubt I was overdue one. (I did feel much better afterwards, if a bit hollow and fragile.)
At group last night the question was asked about a time in our lives when we have been able to praise God despite our circumstances. I promptly started crying again - nearly had to run out of the room (there was a new guy there and I didn't feel safe enough with him) but I managed to get it under control without anyone noticing (I think - or maybe they were all just too polite to comment). Just thinking about how awful I felt in the first week of Zoe's death, and how present God was... how loving He was... yes, I could praise Him despite circumstances, even if only to say that I knew He was doing the right thing and that He knew best.
It makes me ache for Madeleine's parents right now, remembering how I felt when we were told Zoe's heart had stopped. That moment... it's like the whole world stops turning for a second and everything goes black, and then, even worse, everything starts moving again, but you can't breathe. Without a doubt it was the worst moment of my life to date.
I don't know how many non-Brits/ Europeans are aware of this news story. A British family on holiday in the Algarve, Portugal. The parents went out to dinner a few hundred yards from their holiday villa and left the 3 kids sleeping in the villa. When they returned, the door was open and their eldest daughter, Maddy, who is only about 4, was gone. While I question the wisdom of leaving their kids alone at home, no-one deserves that kind of horror. I just keep thinking about how I would feel if anything happened to Nellie... Whether at home or while on holiday, whether through my own fault or through none - if anything happened to her I just don't know what I would do. It would eat me alive. I can only imagine what her parents are going through. My heart just aches for them. I pray she's found, alive and unharmed. Please God.
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