The 7 deadly sins

Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride... these are, according to the Catholics, the worst sins you can commit. I'm not sure that God would agree, but I find the list a helpful reminder that, at its root, sin is all about self-gratification: I want, I need, me, me, me...

Do you ever find yourself snapping at someone, then wondering why on earth you just did that? Over the past few days I've caught myself doing just that, and I don't know why. When I examine my feelings, I realise that I'm either pretty irritated or fairly angry, but not with the person I snapped at. I'm just irritated, or angry. And I don't know why.

On Sat, at Sarah's birthday lunch (I've done another post about that, but I'm waiting for some photos from a friend before I actually post it - in the meantime you can check out her blog for some collages of the day - the link is on the right), I found myself getting irritable and wanting to snap at people or just withdraw completely. It took me a while to figure out the reason in this case: Jealousy (or envy).

It always takes me a long time to make really good friends. In the last year Sarah and I have become really good friends and now we're moving to SA and I have to say goodbye. I hate it! Anyway, another of her really good friends was at the picnic and after a few hours I realised that I was jealous that this friend was going to be around and be in a position to continue to develop her friendship with Sarah, but I wasn't. And that sucks. Big time. So I sulked and snapped and gave everyone the silent treatment.

Once I'd realised what was going on, I did manage to put it (mostly) to one side and enjoy the time I had left before we went home, but I can't help wondering whether my mood put a damper on the event for others. I hope not! I hope they were able to ignore me.

So what made me think about that today? The fact that it happened again. We went out to visit with Graeme's family near Guildford for the day. From late last night when my mother-in-law rang, I found myself getting wound up about it. Why? I'm still not sure. I've been feeling irritable all day today, and the weather certainly didn't help. (I'm glad it rained, because we need the water, but grey skies always irritate me.) Is it jealousy? Not entirely. Is it greed? Possibly. Mostly, I think it's insecurity, on all fronts.

The 'log in your eye/ speck in your brother's eye' story is a good one. It highlights the fact that we so often pick on other people's weaknesses in order to avoid dealing with our own. Few things in life irritate me more than other people's incompetence and insecurity. I don't like to be around people who are insecure because it highlights within me my own feelings of insecurity. I don't like being around people who are completely incompetent because it highlights within me my own hatred of being dependent on others for help as a result of my own incompetence.

The mother-/ daughter-in law relationship can be fraught with tension. I understand both sides of the relationship. I understand the fear that the mother-in-law feels at the massive influence the wife now exerts over her husband, who was once solely (or mostly) under his mother's influence. I also understand the fear that the wife feels that the mother-in-law will continue to exert her maternal influence over the husband and children. Both parties can feel very threatened by the other. I understand that. I know that my mother-in-law understands that too. And I know we've both made sacrifices to try to meet on neutral ground.

Some mothers- & daughters-in law are fortunate enough to really love each other, to become as close as daughters are with their own mothers. Ours is not such a relationship. Granted, it's much easier now than it was 10 years ago - but I would hope so! There are times when I really enjoy her company, when I look forward to seeing her and chatting with her, when I think that we are starting to become more than just mother- and daughter-in-law. There are times when watching her interact with Janel gives me immense pleasure. But there are still times when the opposite is true.

I won't say today was one of those other times, because there were moments today when I really did enjoy being with her. You can hear there's a 'but' coming, can't you? But. Maybe between feeling so jealous on Saturday and so at sea on Sunday, between the hay fever and tiredness, between the busyness of last week and Nellie's fractiousness, I just wasn't ready to be generous or gracious or loving to anyone. I even found myself getting jealous of Graeme's playing with Nellie today & the fun they had while we were at the petting/ children's farm today...

I am being so possessive and jealous and irritable. It's childish, isn't it? Yet, there it is. "Stille water, diepe grond, maar onder draai die duiwel rond."

(I think the closest approximation in English for this is - still waters run deep - but the literal translation is - still waters, deep earth, but the devil turns beneath. The Afrikaans version has a much more sinister feeling about it.)