The nature of relationships

As I've been increasingly thinking about and planning for moving home, I've been thinking about what it means to leave here and what it means to start over back home. This, in turn, has led me to wonder about the nature of community and relationships.

How is it that friendships and relationships form? Why is it that you 'click' with certain people and not others? Why do some people find it so easy to make really good friends? Without trying to manipulate others, how does one go about developing friendships that are deep and meaningful?

Although I have a number of people I consider good friends, in reality, I really don't know all that much about them. I can't tell you where they were born, or what schools they went to, or what their favourite food is or what genre of movie they like to see, or what genre of book they like to read. For some of them, I can't even tell you the names of their siblings or parents. Yet, I consider them good friends. How can that be? And what about the somewhat larger group of people I consider to be more than acquaintances, but not good friends - they're people I like to spend time with, but I know even less about them.

Are my expectations of friendship too high? Do other people ponder these same questions regarding their friendships? Or is it just that I don't make good friends because I don't really take the time to listen and remember? Am I such a rotten friend?

So what makes a good friend? Is it just someone you enjoy having a laugh with on a regular basis? Is it someone who will take the time to listen to your woes and sympathise, or occasionally offer advice? Is it someone who makes you feel loved and needed? Is it someone you share a lot in common with, like playing tennis? Is it just someone that you've been around for so long you can't imagine life without them there? Or is it something more?

I have to confess that the friends I've made here in London are far better friends than the ones I had back in SA. And that scares me a bit. I know that because London is such a transitory place people crave community more, and therefore they are willing to make more of an effort to develop friendships. Again, because so many people who come to London are stepping outside of their comfort zone to do so, the normal barriers to friendship are lowered. There is definitely something to be said for the intentional forging of friendships - they seem to go much deeper more quickly; a bit like people who go through some dramatic or traumatic event together, or men who fight together in a war. (I'm not comparing London to a war zone, before you start to think I am.... although there are definitely areas of it that are just that!)

Back home, my friends were people I had gone to school with. We had shared large chunks of time together because we were in the same class, or society, or extra curricular activity, or because we lived down the road from each other and therefore travelled to and from school together. And at the time I thought our friendships would last forever. But they didn't. Most of them died when we went off to university. Those that managed to limp past the end of that era died when Graeme and I moved to London, bar a handful. And even those are now not much more than acquaintances, bar 2 - Janel's godparents, Simon and Heather.

Returning to your home land is never easy. When you're not with people, they never continue to grow in your mind - they get stuck at the point where you last spent decent time with them. For example, I've just recently learnt that a girl I matriculated with has kids. In my head, she's still 18 or 19, not 32! I've seen so much and learnt so much and grown so much and experienced so much in the 7 ½ years we've been in London. I know that the people we are returning to probably won't understand that, especially people in Cape Town!

While I love Cape Town, the people there have a very narrow mindset, very insular. Those who live in other cities in the country constantly comment on it. Capetonians are seen as stuck-up and cold. Capetonians often see themselves as better than the rest. No, correction, white English-speaking Capetonians. And this is the community we are returning to.

In my gut I feel that, had we gone home while I was still in my first trimester with Zoe, and she had died back in SA, we would never had had the level of love and support we've experienced here. Why? Because our friendships were never as good as the ones we have here. People in London recognise their need for others and as a result they make a point of being inclusive and generous (except for when they are travelling on the tube or train!!). People in Cape Town constantly keep themselves isolated. This need for isolation is a hangover from Apartheid days and now is a response to the crime and security issues. The problem with this, is that I think it makes it harder to make good friends.

Here, it's fairly common to invite people over for lunch after church in the morning, as a spur of the moment thing. It's fairly common for people in small groups to meet together for a meal beforehand, as a regular thing. Building community is a feature of our community. Maybe other communities in London aren't like this, but I certainly never felt this level of intentionality about building relationships back home.

Which brings me back to my original questions. How is it that people build good relationships? What is it that makes for a good relationship? When does an acquaintance become a friend, and a friend become a good friend, and what helps those transitions? I'm not sure I know, and that worries me, because I'm going to have to start all over again with making friends back home.