Hectic week

For those who haven't yet subscribed to the blog and so have to check back frequently to see whether I've updated.... I'm really sorry that blogging seems to be taking a back seat. Packing and setting up the business while trying to entertain Nellie is proving time consuming.

Father's day... we had a fabulous day. We went down to Graeme's cousin/ aunt, where his folks are staying. Despite Nellie not sleeping all day (bar 30 minutes and then another 45 mins crying about sleep), we had a lovely day. She played in the fountain and we sat in the sun, had a braai, talked, laughed and generally enjoyed ourselves. It was a really lovely day.

So - Monday I had Nellie at home with me because Ashley, her childminder, got the vomiting bug. She had my sympathies - it was a nasty bug!! So on Tuesday I decided to take Nellie out. We went to lunch at Graeme's brother-in-law's sister's husband's new restaurant (did you follow that family link??) - called org-e (here's a review), in Covent Garden. It was great - although there were one or two hiccups in our service. The food was really good.

Anyway, after that I took Nellie to see the horses on guard at Horse Guards, and then to St. James' park to the playground there. While we were there, the marching band at the Guard Museum were practicing, so we went across to watch them. When they went on a break, we went back to the playground. As soon as they started playing again, Nellie made the sign for music. It was so cute!

Today has been spent doing moving stuff. I cleared out my closets and sorted through our paperwork (although I still have 2 boxes to go through - school stuff and business stuff). I can't believe how long it took me... but at least it's done. I gave 2 large bags of clothes to the Salvation Army at the end of our road, and I have 1 large bag of paper to be recycled, plus a shopping bag's worth to be shredded, and a whole bunch of files to get rid of.

In between all of this, in the evenings I've been working on the business website and dealing with queries from women who read my article in Urban Mamas (an e-zine for South African women focusing on pregnancy and babies), in which I mention that I'm starting up in July. It's been great exposure, and a real incentive to get the business up and running and SELLING. It's also shown me that there is a real market for home grown products, so I also need to focus on getting my own design manufactured..... aahhhh! So much to do. So little time.

I'm not sure how it will all work now that I've got this temp. job teaching. But I'm sure it will. The other good work news is that Graeme most probably has some temporary part-time work for his current job, working online to help support the new HoD! How cool is that?!?! Details still have to be finalised, but in theory it's all happening. God is so good!!

Oh yes, and of course, I've also been spending time on my latest hobby.... Facebook. Very addictive... very, very addictive.

The down side of all this activity is that I haven't really had time to grieve Zoe. And I feel guilty about that. I feel like I shouldn't be able to be getting on with my life this well without her. And yet I am. 3 months hardly seems like enough time to 'get over' something like this... yet a lot of the time I feel very blessed and happy. So I'm a bit mixed up about it all.

I do miss her, and I think about her a lot - mostly I think about what might have been... what she'd be doing now... how big she'd be... how Nellie would be relating to her... what sort of routine we'd have settled into as a family.... I guess that, if I'm honest, I'm allowing these other activities to creep in to keep the pain at bay. Last night G and I went to the pub for a drink with our growth group (after doing some other stuff) and when we were the last ones left, we started talking about Zoe. It didn't take long for the tears to start. So I know the pain is still there. Maybe it always will be. Maybe this is just how life will be from now on.

Several friends who started reading the blog around the time of Zoe's death have recently commented to me that I should write a book because they think I write so well. I've been thinking about writing one for a long time now - about the loss of a child in a particular. Maybe this is the push I need to start thinking about it seriously. (Though it will have to wait a year or so, I think, with the number of other 'new' things on the go at the moment.) Maybe this is something else I can do in Zoe's memory.

I got in touch with an ex-boyfriend from WAY back when, through Facebook, whom I'd lost contact with. Turns out he and his wife are 34 weeks pregnant with their 2nd. I told him about losing Zoe at 37 weeks before I knew that. Gave him a bit of a scare I think. Part of me regrets opening my mouth, part of me is glad because I wish someone had made me realise how precious every moment of a pregnancy is and how much each moment should be treasured because you never know when it will be taken from you. I'm really not sure what to expect though, in terms of telling people back home. Many people, whom I would classify as acquaintances, don't know about Zoe. I really don't know how I'm going to broach the subject, because I want them to know about her... Sorry, I know I've said all this before. My brain is going round in circles, trying to find a solution. I'll stop rambling now.

Only 16 more sleeps till we fly!

PS. If you like my blog, why not sign up for Blogger Awards and nominate me. It's free and it's a cool way to see what's hot in the blogosphere. http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com.