I've already posted very briefly about Ben Zander, and the 'Art of Possibility' here. However, here's a copy of the post I made on the education discussion site Huddlemind. Most of it is new, some is a repeat. But right now I would rather spend time with Nellie than spend another half hour editing this to remove the repeated stuff, so I'm afraid you're just going to have to trawl on through!
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I can't believe it's already been a week since I went to a Ben Zander seminar here in Cape Town. I'd already seen him on video, so I was disappointed by him in real life. I guess I hadn't anticipated just how many of his lines are standard things he does in every seminar... like his one-buttock playing. I guess I was hoping for something fresh and new.
I was also frustrated by the fact that the event was a mixed audience, because I'd been under the impression that it was just going to be educators present. I was really looking forward to hearing him speak into how we can, in a SA school education context, really do the things he says we should. So I left feeling disempowered, rather than empowered, because he was not able to speak into that context given the audience before him.
One of my questions, for example, is how we can give everyone an 'A' while working within a system that requires us to mark and submit CASS work. How can we require learners to write an exam at the end of the year and at the same time give them an 'A'? How do we work the system while working within the system?
Another question is how you give everyone an 'A' when, quite clearly, people are not all at the same level. I think I prefer our system of giving a 1-5 rating. 5 means 'You've got it', 1 means 'you haven't got it at all', and 2,3 and 4 are varying degrees of success. I agree with Ben that marks are all made up anyway. Likewise, I agree that marks engender a culture of comparison, which in turn can lead to very critical self-talk. It doesn't have to be that way, and I guess his philosophy is one way of addressing this issue.
I'm not sure that it works in SA, or in a school where learners have to take a certain number of subjects, irrespective of whether they want to, or are able to cope with those subjects. And I'm not sure that giving everyone an 'A' is any less dangerous than giving a mark.
I think we need to create a culture in which possibility is everything, but I think we need to do that in a manner that teaches kids skills to cope with the world around them, rather than wrapping them in cotton wool and saying - 'you're brilliant', even if they're not. Kids can smell truth and falsehood a mile off.
While I did walk away from the seminar frustrated and disappointed, that doesn't mean to say that I'm going to throw the baby out with the bathwater. What will I take away, then, from Ben's seminar and attempt to implement in my lessons on Monday? (We've been on Cross-curricular Week this past week, so I haven't been in a normal class environment for a whole week - it's been great, but exhausting!)
Firstly, that I need to watch the verbal and non-verbal language I use in the presence of the kids I teach. When I hand back tests (as I will be doing), do I focus on the negative, or the positive? Do I create a culture of real learning from mistakes (as Ben would say - "Fabulous!"), or do I create a culture that says making mistakes is anathema and that if you do you're stupid? Do I blame the kids, or do I take some blame myself for possibly not preparing them adequately for the task? Do I create negative spirals, or possibility circles?
Permit me a digression here... My Grade 9's have just completed two practicals for Natural Science. Before that, they completed a Science Fair project. At the end of the first practical, I was aghast at how few of them had bothered to write a proper scientific report, despite being given the rubric on how they would be assessed. So, I spent time creating a model answer for them, which I gave back to them at the same time that I returned their reports. I then instructed them to compare the two, and see where they went wrong. They sat in silence for 10 minutes or so, doing this activity.
Then, at the start of this past week the kids handed in their second report. While most of them had made some improvement, I was stunned at how few of them made the sort of improvement I had been expecting. When I discussed this with one of my colleagues, I was stunned to realise that not even this particular, experienced educator fully understood the difference between the hypothesis and prediction! Maybe it was that the rubric and the instruction sheet were not properly crafted, creating an ambiguous activity - in fact, I'm sure that was part of the problem.
I spent some time on Friday afternoon investigating this further, and found some really interesting research that says that 60% of science teachers do not really understand the difference between hypothesis and prediction. That really scared me. How can we expect our learners to complete a task when we educators (as a group) don't really understand the task either? Needless to say, I created a summary sheet for the kids, which the departmental staff will also get, of the differences. That will be handed out along with copies of a model answer for the current report activity.
Tomorrow's lesson will be similar to the one when I returned the first report, with one major difference - this time, it will not be an exclusively silent activity. I will get the kids to look at their own reports and analyse them, yes, but then I will also do a group activity where, as a class, we will look at one model example of a 'poor' report, and WHY it's a poor report.
Through these two tasks, I've realised just how right the new curriculum is in trying to get us to do more skills based work with the kids. In Science that means actually letting the kids do more practicals (not just doing demos). To those of you in the US, or the UK, I know that sounds so obvious. Here in SA though, one major obstacle to this is the lack of equipment. We simply don't have enough Bunsen burners for the kids to work in groups any smaller than 5 or 6. We don't have enough glassware for the kids to work in groups smaller than 8-10. Even these pracs, the kids did in groups of 8. Large groups are better than none, but it does mean that many of the kids are sitting around doing nothing, instead of being involved, and so there is potentially a real behaviour management issue with doing pracs.
While there's a lot about the version of OBE education we are aiming at in SA that I think is a waste of time, I think that in this particular area OBE education has a lot in common with Ben's philosophy. So - I will need to watch my language. I will need to try to create an environment where honest analysis is not about how wrong a child is, but about the possibility for growth through this experience.
The second thing I will take from Ben's philosophy is that a once-off activity is not going to fix it - as Ben says, it's an 'ART'. It's something I need to practice and practice and practice. And maybe I won't get it right with this class, this year. But maybe I will. And that's what I'm going to aim for.
The third thing I will try to implement is Rule #6. Stop taking it (myself, the subject, the system) all so seriously - let's have some fun!!! Learning is fun, so the learning environment should be fun.
There are a few other things, but I think that's quite enough to start with.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Extreme weather
Although spring officially starts in 3 weeks, it seems that winter is determined to remind us of her strength and power. After several fronts have passed through Cape Town, this weekend we have a serious storm passing through. Gale force winds with 7m high waves. Yup - it's a proper Cape Storm. In fact, so much so that the road at the end of our block is flooded. Now it's not just the residents in the townships who are looking to high ground... now even the 'rich' suburbs are starting to feel the pinch.
And us? Well, we're fine - got a roaring fire to sit in front of, going to watch a good movie on TV, and our beautiful child is fast asleep in her warm bed. What could be better?
I wanted to find a pic - but it seems no-one has posted any online yet. Wait for tomorrow! There's sure to be something on the front pages of the local newspapers.
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Edited on Sunday 31st to add... check out some of the photos on Cape Town Daily Photos Extras (some of them are rather arb because they don't convey the awesomeness of the storm, but I particularly like the 8th one).
This one (below) was taken by Anton de Lange of Cape Town Radio. It's of the tanker Sealand Express. Have a close look at how the waves are behind it, then remember - this is a TANKER!
And us? Well, we're fine - got a roaring fire to sit in front of, going to watch a good movie on TV, and our beautiful child is fast asleep in her warm bed. What could be better?
I wanted to find a pic - but it seems no-one has posted any online yet. Wait for tomorrow! There's sure to be something on the front pages of the local newspapers.
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Edited on Sunday 31st to add... check out some of the photos on Cape Town Daily Photos Extras (some of them are rather arb because they don't convey the awesomeness of the storm, but I particularly like the 8th one).
This one (below) was taken by Anton de Lange of Cape Town Radio. It's of the tanker Sealand Express. Have a close look at how the waves are behind it, then remember - this is a TANKER!
Blogger awards
Every year, Blogger's Choice Awards takes nominations, and then votes, for the best blogging site in the blogosphere. The 2008 nominations have just opened, and voting will take place early next year. (While I doubt this blog is sufficiently widely read to be nominated, or once nominated, to receive sufficient votes to make the final list, one can dream, right? One day....)
Anyway, go check out some of the blogs that are really having an impact on the blogosphere. There are hordes of different categories, so lots to choose from. I'm sure there will be one to interest you.
Anyway, go check out some of the blogs that are really having an impact on the blogosphere. There are hordes of different categories, so lots to choose from. I'm sure there will be one to interest you.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Ethics in business - have your say
I really don't know what to write tonight. For the first time in ages, I feel like I have so much to say, but can't say any of it. This week has been incredibly difficult for me on a personal, emotional level. I've been struggling with an ethical issue and it's left me feeling adrift. I've been struggling to concentrate. Worse, I've been struggling to sleep. As a result, I don't feel I've been very productive this week (although, actually, I have), and I certainly don't feel I've spent enough quality time with either G or J.
This story starts a little while ago. When I set up LL I initially started just by offering advice to pregnant women (well - to anyone interested, but it's only been pregnant women who have asked, thus far!) on nappies: the different types, the pro's and con's of each dependent on their lifestyle, where to buy them, what they cost, etc. Now that I have my own brand, I've tried really hard to continue to offer unbiased advice.
To an extent, it's easy to do - e.g. an all-in-one that isn't a pocket nappy dries very slowly, so is not suitable in Cape Town winters, or humid Durban, but will dry in a jiffy in Jo'burg or the interior (as long as you remember to bring it in before the temp drops).... or that bamboo and hemp give you a much slimmer look because they are much more absorbent so you need less fabric (so they are really good for mothers who despise the bulky look of cloth and love the slim look of disposables), but that also means they take longer to dry - which may be an issue in Cape Town in winter (etc, etc).... or that the birth-to-potty nappy leaks more with newborns than a two-part system because you can't get a really good fit, but is cheaper to buy since you don't have to buy a set of each of two or three different sizes... or which nappies are best if you live in an area with those horrible flies that lay their eggs in your clothes so that you have to iron everything. Etc, etc, etc. For each type, I try to point out good things and bad things, and link it to the client's lifestyle, but I always offer them at least 2 options (usually 3) and then leave the final decision up to them.
However, many of my clients have already done their homework, and they ask me specific questions like how one particular brand compares to another. This is where it becomes difficult, because now that I have my own brand, there is the temptation to say that mine is the best. I've been really good so far though, and have managed to avoid that temptation. But it struck me the other day that I really don't know enough about the other local brands to be able to answer questions authoritatively.
So I decided to do something about that. I started by contacting another company explaining what I do, and that I'd like to purchase some of their products to try on Nellie, so that I could talk about their product with some authority when clients ask me specifically about them. Big mistake number 1! I've not only been threatened with legal action for talking about their product, but have been warned that if I say anything about them on my website they will sue, and I've been told that I have been harassing this person's family and that if I don't stop they will lay a charge against me. I've also been accused of saturating the market. (As if! This person needs to do their market research!... sorry, I don't want to be bitchy. I've been keeping tight rein on my thoughts and emotions all week, but I need to vent somewhere.)
I don't even know where to begin on this one. I take all criticism personally. I also don't like people thinking false things, or badly, about me. That's just me. I understand that this person thinks I'm a threat - I also sell nappies. I understand that this person is worried I will tell clients that their product is rubbish and try to direct all sales to my own products. I get that. I think that's a legitimate fear.
My second mistake was that I responded to the email. I tried to explain, as best I could, that I had pointed several people to their products, rather than my own, because I genuinely believed their product was better for these particular clients, and that I hoped this would prove to them that I am an ethical person. I also pointed out that I could have got a friend to pose as a customer and buy the stock, or I could have bought the stock from a shop. Either way, they would never have known. The fact that I approached them directly should demonstrate that I am an ethical person and that I mean them no harm and that I do not wish to be their enemy. Sadly, they don't see it that way at all. According this person I am not only unethical, but underhanded, devious and bitter that I didn't get onto the market first.
I don't do harassment. Apart from this person's spouse, I don't know anyone else in their family. While it's possible that they've got me confused with someone else, I doubt it. So I've spent several hours and days perplexed by this and racking my brains to try and figure out who I might be harassing. Since the only people I contact (in a business capacity) on a regular basis are my suppliers - who are more than happy to do business with me - I honestly don't have a clue what this person is talking about.
So this has been a miserable week for me. I can't seem to let go off this, because I really, honestly and truly believe the things this person has said are wrong, false and untrue. I am outraged and my sense of fair play has been affronted. I've been maligned and slandered, and I want to hear them acknowledge it, and apologise. That isn't going to happen though, so it seems I am left with someone who believes me to be their enemy. And I hate that. I don't want to be anyone's enemy.
But I know that if I were to call this person, or go to see them, it would be construed as harassment, which would only serve to entrench the wrong views this person already has of me.
This person is, as far as I know, also a Christian. This kind of ... grievance... shouldn't exist between siblings-in-Christ. It's just wrong. Since I'm not perfect, I can accept that I'm not 100% in the right here, but I can't see where I'm in the wrong. I can't see anything I've done that has been unethical, or underhanded, and I definitely can't see how I'm accused of harassment!
I've given my word that my intentions are not to harm this person or their business in any way. But clearly my word isn't good enough.
[As an aside, they also made a comment that I'm not a nappy expert/ authority, and so have no right to make comparisons or give advice. I didn't ask this of them in my reply, because I thought it would be unhelpful, but I'm dying to know what this person would consider a nappy expert! Would it be someone with experience of lots of different brands? Or would it be someone who has extensive knowledge of the different fabric types? Or manufacturing experience? Because I have all of those. Or is there some sort of nappy qualification that one can get that this person would expect me to have? What skills or experience would you expect a nappy expert to have?]
Should I just try to let this go - and if so, how do I do that? Should I try to resolve this with this person - and if so, how do I do that? Is this 'merely' a spiritual issue that needs to be resolved in the heavenlies (ie a specific attack of Satan)? Am I in the wrong here - should I stop offering advice and just sell nappies? WHAT DO I DO???????
This story starts a little while ago. When I set up LL I initially started just by offering advice to pregnant women (well - to anyone interested, but it's only been pregnant women who have asked, thus far!) on nappies: the different types, the pro's and con's of each dependent on their lifestyle, where to buy them, what they cost, etc. Now that I have my own brand, I've tried really hard to continue to offer unbiased advice.
To an extent, it's easy to do - e.g. an all-in-one that isn't a pocket nappy dries very slowly, so is not suitable in Cape Town winters, or humid Durban, but will dry in a jiffy in Jo'burg or the interior (as long as you remember to bring it in before the temp drops).... or that bamboo and hemp give you a much slimmer look because they are much more absorbent so you need less fabric (so they are really good for mothers who despise the bulky look of cloth and love the slim look of disposables), but that also means they take longer to dry - which may be an issue in Cape Town in winter (etc, etc).... or that the birth-to-potty nappy leaks more with newborns than a two-part system because you can't get a really good fit, but is cheaper to buy since you don't have to buy a set of each of two or three different sizes... or which nappies are best if you live in an area with those horrible flies that lay their eggs in your clothes so that you have to iron everything. Etc, etc, etc. For each type, I try to point out good things and bad things, and link it to the client's lifestyle, but I always offer them at least 2 options (usually 3) and then leave the final decision up to them.
However, many of my clients have already done their homework, and they ask me specific questions like how one particular brand compares to another. This is where it becomes difficult, because now that I have my own brand, there is the temptation to say that mine is the best. I've been really good so far though, and have managed to avoid that temptation. But it struck me the other day that I really don't know enough about the other local brands to be able to answer questions authoritatively.
So I decided to do something about that. I started by contacting another company explaining what I do, and that I'd like to purchase some of their products to try on Nellie, so that I could talk about their product with some authority when clients ask me specifically about them. Big mistake number 1! I've not only been threatened with legal action for talking about their product, but have been warned that if I say anything about them on my website they will sue, and I've been told that I have been harassing this person's family and that if I don't stop they will lay a charge against me. I've also been accused of saturating the market. (As if! This person needs to do their market research!... sorry, I don't want to be bitchy. I've been keeping tight rein on my thoughts and emotions all week, but I need to vent somewhere.)
I don't even know where to begin on this one. I take all criticism personally. I also don't like people thinking false things, or badly, about me. That's just me. I understand that this person thinks I'm a threat - I also sell nappies. I understand that this person is worried I will tell clients that their product is rubbish and try to direct all sales to my own products. I get that. I think that's a legitimate fear.
My second mistake was that I responded to the email. I tried to explain, as best I could, that I had pointed several people to their products, rather than my own, because I genuinely believed their product was better for these particular clients, and that I hoped this would prove to them that I am an ethical person. I also pointed out that I could have got a friend to pose as a customer and buy the stock, or I could have bought the stock from a shop. Either way, they would never have known. The fact that I approached them directly should demonstrate that I am an ethical person and that I mean them no harm and that I do not wish to be their enemy. Sadly, they don't see it that way at all. According this person I am not only unethical, but underhanded, devious and bitter that I didn't get onto the market first.
I don't do harassment. Apart from this person's spouse, I don't know anyone else in their family. While it's possible that they've got me confused with someone else, I doubt it. So I've spent several hours and days perplexed by this and racking my brains to try and figure out who I might be harassing. Since the only people I contact (in a business capacity) on a regular basis are my suppliers - who are more than happy to do business with me - I honestly don't have a clue what this person is talking about.
So this has been a miserable week for me. I can't seem to let go off this, because I really, honestly and truly believe the things this person has said are wrong, false and untrue. I am outraged and my sense of fair play has been affronted. I've been maligned and slandered, and I want to hear them acknowledge it, and apologise. That isn't going to happen though, so it seems I am left with someone who believes me to be their enemy. And I hate that. I don't want to be anyone's enemy.
But I know that if I were to call this person, or go to see them, it would be construed as harassment, which would only serve to entrench the wrong views this person already has of me.
This person is, as far as I know, also a Christian. This kind of ... grievance... shouldn't exist between siblings-in-Christ. It's just wrong. Since I'm not perfect, I can accept that I'm not 100% in the right here, but I can't see where I'm in the wrong. I can't see anything I've done that has been unethical, or underhanded, and I definitely can't see how I'm accused of harassment!
I've given my word that my intentions are not to harm this person or their business in any way. But clearly my word isn't good enough.
[As an aside, they also made a comment that I'm not a nappy expert/ authority, and so have no right to make comparisons or give advice. I didn't ask this of them in my reply, because I thought it would be unhelpful, but I'm dying to know what this person would consider a nappy expert! Would it be someone with experience of lots of different brands? Or would it be someone who has extensive knowledge of the different fabric types? Or manufacturing experience? Because I have all of those. Or is there some sort of nappy qualification that one can get that this person would expect me to have? What skills or experience would you expect a nappy expert to have?]
Should I just try to let this go - and if so, how do I do that? Should I try to resolve this with this person - and if so, how do I do that? Is this 'merely' a spiritual issue that needs to be resolved in the heavenlies (ie a specific attack of Satan)? Am I in the wrong here - should I stop offering advice and just sell nappies? WHAT DO I DO???????
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Art of Possibility, and other thoughts
As you will have read (possibly) on Graeme's blog, yesterday I went to a Ben Zander seminar. He's the guy who co-authored 'The Art of Possibility', which is essentially about making a paradigm shift that allows everyone to reach their full potential. While it is especially applicable to teaching, this paradigm shift applies to every sphere of life.
I won't go into detail here about it, because you can read his book. But I will say this. I found the idea intriguing and exciting, but I left on a complete low. I was incredibly frustrated because I can't see how to make that paradigm shift in my own mind, and even the little bit that I can see to make, I don't know how to implement in my own classroom and life. How, for example, am I supposed to give every child an 'A' when the WCED requires me to give them a mark for their CASS work? I can see how Mr Zander's strategy works with kids/ people who WANT to take a particular class, but what about those who are in your class simply because they have to fill their timetable, and have neither interest nor aptitude for your subject? I love his theory, but I just don't see how it works in MY classroom, and in MY life.
I fully recognise that I need to read the book - that I can't hope to understand this stuff fully after a mere 2 hours. But .... (there's always a 'but', isn't there?) ... I am completely frustrated and I feel cheated and betrayed that by the end of the 2 and a bit hours seminar Mr Zander hasn't even been able to help me discover the first step that I can take to help myself make this mind-set change. Contrary to what he said, that was not transformational speaking - it was just motivational speaking.
Apart from that though, I have had the most perfect weekend. It's the first really normal weekend I've had in a very long time. I actually got to spend time with my family, and with my extended family. I did do some work (on LL stuff), but it wasn't that panicked, rushing around, all-stations-go kind of work. It was wonderful and I am feeling so much better for it. I'd forgotten what a more normal weekend looks like and feels like.
On Sat we went grocery shopping (which was fun, for a change), then Nellie had her nap while I did some work on the computer. When she woke up it was time for me to head off to Ben Zander. After that, we went to visit Oupa and Ouma, then home again for supper and bed, followed by a bit more work before watching a very frustrating broadcast of 'Luther' (our signal kept fading in and out), before heading to bed.
Today we went to have breakfast at Granny and Grampa's house (and Nellie had the greatest fun feeding the Guinea fowl - my mom feeds about 30 of them, all wild, and it's an incredible sight watching them come to her when she calls) and played with all sorts of toys. Then it was off to church (well, Nellie and Daddy slept in the car while Mommy went and did creche duty!) at which I nearly came home with two daughters*! This was followed by a lovely, long, lazy birthday Broster lunch at Phil and Brenda's house by the sea with lots of laughs (including watching Sue climb the roof to get Nellie's ball that Phil had thrown up there and got stuck), reading of newspapers (when last did I have time to read anything?!?!?!) and a walk on the beach - we only got home around 5.30pm!
* A local orphanage/ foster home has recently started bringing several of their kids to the church every Sunday. One little girl, Candice, latched onto me today. She can only be about 3 or 4, but she's half Nellie's size, and is in desparate need of love. She was constantly torn between being cuddled by me, and wanting to play. She was tired, and just wanted to sleep, so she kept coming and asking for a cuddle, during which she'd put her head on my shoulder, snuggle into me, close her eyes and rest for a few minutes. Then she'd go off for a little play before repeating the cycle. It was so obvious to me that she doesn't really get enough of that kind of love, and I quickly found myself thinking that I'd love to be able to adopt her, and give her that kind of love.
I don't kid myself about the difficulties in adopting, especially for Janel who would then suddenly have competition - and not just the competition of a baby, but of someone roughly her own age - or for us, trying to balance Janel's needs against those of our adopted child.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I will handle it if I lose another baby, because the chances are high that I will. I hope that I would be more at peace about it, but I really have no idea. Part of me knows that I WANTNEEDMUSTHAVE another baby of my own - there's some biological imperative for me that feels like a compulsive-obsessive need, something I have no control over. Part of me understands that that might not be possible for me, in which case, I am more than happy to consider adoption. I just don't know when I stop trying to have my own, and start down that route of looking at alternatives.
So I had rather mixed reactions to my emotions today. On the one hand, I was really pleased at easily I was able to contemplate opening my heart to another child. On the other, I found myself wondering whether I'm getting cold feet about trying again because I'm too scared of losing another baby, and adoption is an easier alternative to facing that reality.
Right now though, I have a baby who needs my attention and love.
Hope you all had a good weekend!
I won't go into detail here about it, because you can read his book. But I will say this. I found the idea intriguing and exciting, but I left on a complete low. I was incredibly frustrated because I can't see how to make that paradigm shift in my own mind, and even the little bit that I can see to make, I don't know how to implement in my own classroom and life. How, for example, am I supposed to give every child an 'A' when the WCED requires me to give them a mark for their CASS work? I can see how Mr Zander's strategy works with kids/ people who WANT to take a particular class, but what about those who are in your class simply because they have to fill their timetable, and have neither interest nor aptitude for your subject? I love his theory, but I just don't see how it works in MY classroom, and in MY life.
I fully recognise that I need to read the book - that I can't hope to understand this stuff fully after a mere 2 hours. But .... (there's always a 'but', isn't there?) ... I am completely frustrated and I feel cheated and betrayed that by the end of the 2 and a bit hours seminar Mr Zander hasn't even been able to help me discover the first step that I can take to help myself make this mind-set change. Contrary to what he said, that was not transformational speaking - it was just motivational speaking.
Apart from that though, I have had the most perfect weekend. It's the first really normal weekend I've had in a very long time. I actually got to spend time with my family, and with my extended family. I did do some work (on LL stuff), but it wasn't that panicked, rushing around, all-stations-go kind of work. It was wonderful and I am feeling so much better for it. I'd forgotten what a more normal weekend looks like and feels like.
On Sat we went grocery shopping (which was fun, for a change), then Nellie had her nap while I did some work on the computer. When she woke up it was time for me to head off to Ben Zander. After that, we went to visit Oupa and Ouma, then home again for supper and bed, followed by a bit more work before watching a very frustrating broadcast of 'Luther' (our signal kept fading in and out), before heading to bed.
Today we went to have breakfast at Granny and Grampa's house (and Nellie had the greatest fun feeding the Guinea fowl - my mom feeds about 30 of them, all wild, and it's an incredible sight watching them come to her when she calls) and played with all sorts of toys. Then it was off to church (well, Nellie and Daddy slept in the car while Mommy went and did creche duty!) at which I nearly came home with two daughters*! This was followed by a lovely, long, lazy birthday Broster lunch at Phil and Brenda's house by the sea with lots of laughs (including watching Sue climb the roof to get Nellie's ball that Phil had thrown up there and got stuck), reading of newspapers (when last did I have time to read anything?!?!?!) and a walk on the beach - we only got home around 5.30pm!
* A local orphanage/ foster home has recently started bringing several of their kids to the church every Sunday. One little girl, Candice, latched onto me today. She can only be about 3 or 4, but she's half Nellie's size, and is in desparate need of love. She was constantly torn between being cuddled by me, and wanting to play. She was tired, and just wanted to sleep, so she kept coming and asking for a cuddle, during which she'd put her head on my shoulder, snuggle into me, close her eyes and rest for a few minutes. Then she'd go off for a little play before repeating the cycle. It was so obvious to me that she doesn't really get enough of that kind of love, and I quickly found myself thinking that I'd love to be able to adopt her, and give her that kind of love.
I don't kid myself about the difficulties in adopting, especially for Janel who would then suddenly have competition - and not just the competition of a baby, but of someone roughly her own age - or for us, trying to balance Janel's needs against those of our adopted child.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I will handle it if I lose another baby, because the chances are high that I will. I hope that I would be more at peace about it, but I really have no idea. Part of me knows that I WANTNEEDMUSTHAVE another baby of my own - there's some biological imperative for me that feels like a compulsive-obsessive need, something I have no control over. Part of me understands that that might not be possible for me, in which case, I am more than happy to consider adoption. I just don't know when I stop trying to have my own, and start down that route of looking at alternatives.
So I had rather mixed reactions to my emotions today. On the one hand, I was really pleased at easily I was able to contemplate opening my heart to another child. On the other, I found myself wondering whether I'm getting cold feet about trying again because I'm too scared of losing another baby, and adoption is an easier alternative to facing that reality.
Right now though, I have a baby who needs my attention and love.
Hope you all had a good weekend!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Where are my tap shoes?
(With apologies to Robert Frost)
Three stories converged in a yellow afternoon,
And thrilled I had travelled them all
while being one traveller, long I stood
and thought back through all three as far as I could
to where they began their tale...
Story #1: Just last night, I had been watching Top Billing on TV, and they'd done a promo on Lord of the Dance (now in it's 16th year, or something ridiculous) that is coming to SA next month. I've seen it on TV, and loved it, and I thought to myself that I really ought to get off my butt and organise tickets for the Cape Town show (especially as the venue is almost in our back garden), as a special treat for me and G, because we really don't have enough (any??) 'us' time.
Story #2: I never win anything in competitions. At school, I had a friend who, along with the rest of her family, were so well known amongst radio stations for winning their competitions that at least one radio station had barred them from calling to enter competitions more than once per week! They won ALL kinds of stuff. It was amazing.
Me? Well, firstly my general knowledge sucks, and secondly I have no memory for names (faces, yes, names - not so much). That severely limits the competitions I can enter. And then, when I do manage to hear/ see the competition, know the answer, and have the means to enter (ie, pen and paper to take down details, or my phone to sms), I never win. It's like a law, or something. So I don't bother to enter the Lotto, because I know I'll never win.
Story #3: Today, after school finished, I was rushing around doing LL stuff. As I left the house, my errands lay in two completely different directions. So as I pulled out, I had to make the decision about which direction to head off in first. Would I go towards town first, or out to the industrial areas first? After changing my mind several times, I eventually decided to head off to town. On my way, I was listening to the radio. Now, every Friday, my preferred station has a give away. They have a team out on the road, and they give away some really lovely prizes. The deal is that you have to go to them, and do or say something, after which you get the free stuff. Of course, I'm usually on the other side of the city from them when this happens, so I seldom pay attention to it.
And now the convergence... BUT NOT TODAY! Nope. No sooner had they announced the start of the competition, and given their location, than I realised I was right around the corner. So off I dashed to get the free stuff. And what was the free stuff, I hear you ask? Well, let me give you a clue. To get it, I had to do a little jig. Yup - that's right folks. The free stuff was two tickets to 'Lord of the Dance'!!
Now, I know that some people will think that's an amazing coincidence, but I really believe that God had a hand in it. Firstly, my chess matches were cancelled for today, enabling me to have the time to run around. Secondly, I could have chosen to go to the industrial areas first (which means I wouldn't have heard the announcement, because I would already have been in the workshop). Thirdly, what are the odds of the very thing I thought about getting last night being the free stuff being given away today?
I think God wants to bless us with some time out on our own. So we're going to arrange a babysitter for the night, and head off for a little dinner and the show - just us. I'm thrilled! Thanks, Lord, for arranging all the little coincidences nicely for us.
Three stories converged in a yellow afternoon,
And thrilled I had travelled them all
while being one traveller, long I stood
and thought back through all three as far as I could
to where they began their tale...
Story #1: Just last night, I had been watching Top Billing on TV, and they'd done a promo on Lord of the Dance (now in it's 16th year, or something ridiculous) that is coming to SA next month. I've seen it on TV, and loved it, and I thought to myself that I really ought to get off my butt and organise tickets for the Cape Town show (especially as the venue is almost in our back garden), as a special treat for me and G, because we really don't have enough (any??) 'us' time.
Story #2: I never win anything in competitions. At school, I had a friend who, along with the rest of her family, were so well known amongst radio stations for winning their competitions that at least one radio station had barred them from calling to enter competitions more than once per week! They won ALL kinds of stuff. It was amazing.
Me? Well, firstly my general knowledge sucks, and secondly I have no memory for names (faces, yes, names - not so much). That severely limits the competitions I can enter. And then, when I do manage to hear/ see the competition, know the answer, and have the means to enter (ie, pen and paper to take down details, or my phone to sms), I never win. It's like a law, or something. So I don't bother to enter the Lotto, because I know I'll never win.
Story #3: Today, after school finished, I was rushing around doing LL stuff. As I left the house, my errands lay in two completely different directions. So as I pulled out, I had to make the decision about which direction to head off in first. Would I go towards town first, or out to the industrial areas first? After changing my mind several times, I eventually decided to head off to town. On my way, I was listening to the radio. Now, every Friday, my preferred station has a give away. They have a team out on the road, and they give away some really lovely prizes. The deal is that you have to go to them, and do or say something, after which you get the free stuff. Of course, I'm usually on the other side of the city from them when this happens, so I seldom pay attention to it.
And now the convergence... BUT NOT TODAY! Nope. No sooner had they announced the start of the competition, and given their location, than I realised I was right around the corner. So off I dashed to get the free stuff. And what was the free stuff, I hear you ask? Well, let me give you a clue. To get it, I had to do a little jig. Yup - that's right folks. The free stuff was two tickets to 'Lord of the Dance'!!
Now, I know that some people will think that's an amazing coincidence, but I really believe that God had a hand in it. Firstly, my chess matches were cancelled for today, enabling me to have the time to run around. Secondly, I could have chosen to go to the industrial areas first (which means I wouldn't have heard the announcement, because I would already have been in the workshop). Thirdly, what are the odds of the very thing I thought about getting last night being the free stuff being given away today?
I think God wants to bless us with some time out on our own. So we're going to arrange a babysitter for the night, and head off for a little dinner and the show - just us. I'm thrilled! Thanks, Lord, for arranging all the little coincidences nicely for us.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Secrets
There's a fantastic website that a friend introduced me to. It's called Postsecret. It bills itself as 'a community art project'. Essentially, this guy, Frank Warren, invited anyone and everyone to post him their secrets anonymously, on one side of a postcard. He's had such an overwhelming response that he's been able to publish 4 (or more?) books of the postcards. Frank described how amazed he was by the response - firstly by the amount of original artwork that people create as they create their unique postcards, but secondly by the bravery of people to write down their secret and send it off to him.
Over the months that I've been reading Postsecret, I've been amazed at the things that other people struggle with, the things that people wish others really knew about them. I've been touched repeatedly by the desire that we seem to have to truly know and be known. Sometimes I've been appalled by what I've learnt - the capacity that people have for rage, revenge, cruelty, hate, and inflicting pain on others - but mostly I've been saddened at the thought that all these hundreds of people appear to have no-one with whom to really share themselves.
On several occasions, something I have written here has hurt one of my readers. While my intention is never to hurt others, my response is not to begin censoring what I write. While I don't choose to share my deepest secrets here (I don't know exactly who is reading this, and I don't really want to share all of my private thoughts with a lurker who may be crazy) I do try to remain honest about my thoughts and feelings in the moment that I write. While I still have secrets I could share with PostSecret, I guess that this blog is one way of letting myself think that I am actually communicating with others, being heard.
PostSecret and this blog have something else in common though. While I may feel like I'm communicating well, and being heard, in truth, it's not a substitute for real, face-to-face heart-to-heart communication with another human being. In the end, the only thing that really satisfies is the real deal.
And this is where I confess that I know I'm living at an unsustainable pace. The past few weeks have been the busiest of my life. I have never worked so hard in all my life. I'm loving it, but I know that I am sick because I've been burning the candle at both ends, and in the middle. And I know it has to stop. I don't know how though, since there are still things that need to be sorted out for the business. I'm still having hassles with patterns and fabric. Once that gets sorted, and I actually have a product, then I can rest for a bit. At least, that's what I hope.
I do feel rather miserable though at the effect this is having on G and Nellie, on home life, on the time I have available to be with my extended family... time with loved ones can never be recaptured.
Over the months that I've been reading Postsecret, I've been amazed at the things that other people struggle with, the things that people wish others really knew about them. I've been touched repeatedly by the desire that we seem to have to truly know and be known. Sometimes I've been appalled by what I've learnt - the capacity that people have for rage, revenge, cruelty, hate, and inflicting pain on others - but mostly I've been saddened at the thought that all these hundreds of people appear to have no-one with whom to really share themselves.
On several occasions, something I have written here has hurt one of my readers. While my intention is never to hurt others, my response is not to begin censoring what I write. While I don't choose to share my deepest secrets here (I don't know exactly who is reading this, and I don't really want to share all of my private thoughts with a lurker who may be crazy) I do try to remain honest about my thoughts and feelings in the moment that I write. While I still have secrets I could share with PostSecret, I guess that this blog is one way of letting myself think that I am actually communicating with others, being heard.
PostSecret and this blog have something else in common though. While I may feel like I'm communicating well, and being heard, in truth, it's not a substitute for real, face-to-face heart-to-heart communication with another human being. In the end, the only thing that really satisfies is the real deal.
And this is where I confess that I know I'm living at an unsustainable pace. The past few weeks have been the busiest of my life. I have never worked so hard in all my life. I'm loving it, but I know that I am sick because I've been burning the candle at both ends, and in the middle. And I know it has to stop. I don't know how though, since there are still things that need to be sorted out for the business. I'm still having hassles with patterns and fabric. Once that gets sorted, and I actually have a product, then I can rest for a bit. At least, that's what I hope.
I do feel rather miserable though at the effect this is having on G and Nellie, on home life, on the time I have available to be with my extended family... time with loved ones can never be recaptured.
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