As you will have read (possibly) on Graeme's blog, yesterday I went to a Ben Zander seminar. He's the guy who co-authored 'The Art of Possibility', which is essentially about making a paradigm shift that allows everyone to reach their full potential. While it is especially applicable to teaching, this paradigm shift applies to every sphere of life.
I won't go into detail here about it, because you can read his book. But I will say this. I found the idea intriguing and exciting, but I left on a complete low. I was incredibly frustrated because I can't see how to make that paradigm shift in my own mind, and even the little bit that I can see to make, I don't know how to implement in my own classroom and life. How, for example, am I supposed to give every child an 'A' when the WCED requires me to give them a mark for their CASS work? I can see how Mr Zander's strategy works with kids/ people who WANT to take a particular class, but what about those who are in your class simply because they have to fill their timetable, and have neither interest nor aptitude for your subject? I love his theory, but I just don't see how it works in MY classroom, and in MY life.
I fully recognise that I need to read the book - that I can't hope to understand this stuff fully after a mere 2 hours. But .... (there's always a 'but', isn't there?) ... I am completely frustrated and I feel cheated and betrayed that by the end of the 2 and a bit hours seminar Mr Zander hasn't even been able to help me discover the first step that I can take to help myself make this mind-set change. Contrary to what he said, that was not transformational speaking - it was just motivational speaking.
Apart from that though, I have had the most perfect weekend. It's the first really normal weekend I've had in a very long time. I actually got to spend time with my family, and with my extended family. I did do some work (on LL stuff), but it wasn't that panicked, rushing around, all-stations-go kind of work. It was wonderful and I am feeling so much better for it. I'd forgotten what a more normal weekend looks like and feels like.
On Sat we went grocery shopping (which was fun, for a change), then Nellie had her nap while I did some work on the computer. When she woke up it was time for me to head off to Ben Zander. After that, we went to visit Oupa and Ouma, then home again for supper and bed, followed by a bit more work before watching a very frustrating broadcast of 'Luther' (our signal kept fading in and out), before heading to bed.
Today we went to have breakfast at Granny and Grampa's house (and Nellie had the greatest fun feeding the Guinea fowl - my mom feeds about 30 of them, all wild, and it's an incredible sight watching them come to her when she calls) and played with all sorts of toys. Then it was off to church (well, Nellie and Daddy slept in the car while Mommy went and did creche duty!) at which I nearly came home with two daughters*! This was followed by a lovely, long, lazy birthday Broster lunch at Phil and Brenda's house by the sea with lots of laughs (including watching Sue climb the roof to get Nellie's ball that Phil had thrown up there and got stuck), reading of newspapers (when last did I have time to read anything?!?!?!) and a walk on the beach - we only got home around 5.30pm!
* A local orphanage/ foster home has recently started bringing several of their kids to the church every Sunday. One little girl, Candice, latched onto me today. She can only be about 3 or 4, but she's half Nellie's size, and is in desparate need of love. She was constantly torn between being cuddled by me, and wanting to play. She was tired, and just wanted to sleep, so she kept coming and asking for a cuddle, during which she'd put her head on my shoulder, snuggle into me, close her eyes and rest for a few minutes. Then she'd go off for a little play before repeating the cycle. It was so obvious to me that she doesn't really get enough of that kind of love, and I quickly found myself thinking that I'd love to be able to adopt her, and give her that kind of love.
I don't kid myself about the difficulties in adopting, especially for Janel who would then suddenly have competition - and not just the competition of a baby, but of someone roughly her own age - or for us, trying to balance Janel's needs against those of our adopted child.
I've been thinking a lot recently about how I will handle it if I lose another baby, because the chances are high that I will. I hope that I would be more at peace about it, but I really have no idea. Part of me knows that I WANTNEEDMUSTHAVE another baby of my own - there's some biological imperative for me that feels like a compulsive-obsessive need, something I have no control over. Part of me understands that that might not be possible for me, in which case, I am more than happy to consider adoption. I just don't know when I stop trying to have my own, and start down that route of looking at alternatives.
So I had rather mixed reactions to my emotions today. On the one hand, I was really pleased at easily I was able to contemplate opening my heart to another child. On the other, I found myself wondering whether I'm getting cold feet about trying again because I'm too scared of losing another baby, and adoption is an easier alternative to facing that reality.
Right now though, I have a baby who needs my attention and love.
Hope you all had a good weekend!
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