Gratitude day #3

Whenever I used to worry that I was no longer really friends with anyone from school, my mother used to tell me that true friends are rare. Friends tend to be transient, people you connect with in the here and now because of shared circumstances. The friendships may be deep, and meaningful, but when the circumstances of your lives change, your friendship may change along with it. The end result is that you no longer spend time with that friend.

Because loyalty is a trait that is deeply embedded in my personality, I struggle with this concept. I struggle with the idea that someone you love deeply, have shared deeply with, and have shared life with, would be able to just forget you, or walk away. Yet, it has happened to me. I have come to see that my mother was right, in part. Sometimes life gets in the way of remaining active friends - sometimes, with 6000 miles between you, it is really difficult to maintain a friendship.

But I still believe that someone who is a true friend is someone who will stick around despite life changes, and will make the effort to carve out time for you. This is someone who knows you so well because of a long passage of time of shared experiences that she or he can hold you accountable and speak the uncomfortable truths into your life. This is also someone who has shared your deepest and most joyful moments with you, and who has probably shared your most terrifying moments with you as well. I guess this is what many girls are trying to imply when they speak about their BFF's, but I think this term is far too frivilous to be used of a true friend.

Last night I (and my hubbie) had dinner with someone I have known for 23 years. That's a pretty long time. We dated when I was in high school for a very brief period (a few months). We lost touch while I was in the UK, but have wound up at the same church again. Despite everything, I have always had a soft spot for this person, in my heart. (Yes, my hubbie knows.) 

Over dinner we had the first really in-depth conversation we have had in years, and we took the time to fill in the blanks on a lot of stuff that happened - both before and after I moved to the UK. It was so good to connect again. It was so good to connect with someone who has known me for that long. Although there were a lot of blanks to be filled, it was so nice to have a conversation with someone about our shared experiences of 23 years ago and see how those events have played out over the years, until we find ourselves where we currently are.

I am grateful for friendships, but I am particularly grateful for the friends who have been around for a heck of a long time. I am grateful for the history we share (not in a romantic sense, but in a shared experiences sense). I am grateful for the anchoring of relationships that are not part of today's instant culture, that have taken time to build and develop, and that have matured over time. 

Friendships like this are a bit like a good bottle of wine. You can drink a 2012 wine and it will be a very nice. An excellent wine, though, needs time to mature. You can drink an excellent wine now, but if you do, you won't taste it at its best - you will miss out on various notes in the flavour that haven't yet developed, or will have discordant notes that haven't mellowed. In the same way, you can artificially create deep friendships because of shared experiences and intentional honesty/ sharing, but those friendships won't be the best they can be, because some things just can't be rushed. Some things just take time.