Friendship in modern times

I've been friends with someone for about 8 years now. Our kids went to the same nursery/ pre-primary school, which is how we met. Then she and her husband moved to the same church as us. However, when it came time for primary school, they opted to home school. As they no longer had a car, and their local primary school wasn't great, it was a decision I understood, and supported. What I didn't realise at the time was that it was also the beginning of the end of our friendship.

It's relatively common, I would have thought, that when people stop moving in the same circles their friendship drifts apart. That's what happened to us. With our kids moving in completely different social and extra-mural circles, and with them no longer having a car, we had to make more of an effort to see them - which we did, initially. They made the decision to leave our church following a series of horrible incidents (not through the church, I hasten to add, but in their home and personal lives) that resulted in my friend developing a serious anxiety disorder which left her unable to leave her house for more than a few minutes at a time.

I know I wasn't the greatest of friends to her at the time - I really didn't know how to respond to her, because initially every attempt I made was rebuffed. It was only later that she explained to me that she'd developed anxiety and how it affected her, but by that time I'd interpreted the situation to be that she no longer wanted to be friends. I also know that while her life slowed down, mine became busier as my kids extra-murals, work and church life became busier. I made a real effort to take her out for coffee - just the two of us, to try to reconnect. I apologised for not being there when she needed me. But I think it was all too little, too late.

As I said, it's not uncommon for friends to drift apart, but does that mean the friendship is over? I'm not sure. I have colleagues I've worked with who became good friends, but with whom I have limited contact now. Yet, when we do reconnect, there's no doubt that we still love and care for each other, and are still friends. My friends back in the UK are people I rarely see other than on Facebook now, yet I have no doubt that were they to come here, or were I to visit there, our friendship would continue. We don't stop being friends just because we no longer chat or see each other. Right?

I've made peace with the fact that, as a teacher, the rhythms of my life revolve around term time. Unless I see my friends when we're both attending a kids' event - sport or birthday parties, or school plays, or whatever - or at church, during term time I barely see them. There's very little time left between my kids, home, family (both G and I have large families), work and church. Because most of my friends have kids of school-going age, they get it. There's no animosity about it, or feeling abandoned - we just accept that that's how it is, and we plan to see each other during holidays when we have more time.

Yesterday, after 8 years, this friend phoned me to to let me know she no longer wants to be friends, and to ask me to please stop contacting her and her family. It was the most surreal conversation I've ever had.

We are very different individuals, which is what I really loved about our friendship. She helped me to see things in a completely different light. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe what I valued most about her friendship was what she brought into my life, rather than valuing her. I didn't always agree with her decisions, or her theology, but I didn't judge her for them - I hadn't lived through the trials she had. And maybe I wasn't open enough with her about that, and she interpreted my silence as judgement, and maybe she felt she needed to live up to some standard she thought I was holding her to.

Still, I was perplexed that she felt she needed to cut all ties with me. Her comment was that when we met up or chatted, she felt she was being fake with me, and she didn't want to do that anymore. She said she'd been having nightmares about it. I'll be honest - that hurt. It hurt because we had promised each other, back when I went to apologise and make amends, that we would be honest with each other about where we were at and what we each needed. It means that she either lied to me then, or had been lying to me since then.

I know our friendship has drifted. That's life; sad, but true. I know we are very different individuals and that what she needed in a friend I wasn't able to provide. But was it necessary to be as explicit as calling an end to the friendship and asking to cut all ties? That seems really dramatic to me.

And yet, if that's what she needs, or wants, then I'm not going to refuse her. Why would I want to cause her more pain than I already have? Maybe being explicit, while painful now, is the best solution in the long term. Maybe firmly closing this chapter is the right thing to do. I guess I'll only know the answer to that in time.

On the flip side, lockdown has brought me new friends. Just this morning we and our neighbours spent two hours on our driveways, having morning tea together and chatting about life, the universe, and everything. It was amazing! Lockdown has given us the opportunity to get to know the people living right on our doorstep. We had started to build friendships with those on our doorstep a while back, but lockdown has given us the opportunity to really build on that foundation, and speed up the development of our friendship. We've had meals together on our driveway, watched movies together (separately... pushed play at the same time on Netflix or DSTV, and then chatted on whatsapp while the movie played), played online games together, chatted over the fence between our gardens. It's been a very special time. Maybe these friendships, forged in hardship, will still be strong and vibrant when life goes back to normal. Maybe, when real life pressures intrude once again, they'll fade too. But for now, I treasure this time we have together, and I'm grateful for the amazing friends living right on our doorstep.

Gratitude day #30

I am grateful for the people in my church cell group. I am grateful to have people with whom I can be authentic and who can be authentic with me. There is nothing like having that space to be real, knowing that you are accepted no matter what, but that you will not just be accepted - you will also be challenged and held accountable. Love it! Love them!

Gratitude day #29

About 3 months ago I did a "personality" assessment that actually looks at your strengths, rather than your personality type. It's called 'Strengths Finder" by Gallup. It costs about R100 to do, online, and it gives you a pretty reasonable analysis of your top 5 strengths.

I wasn't too surprised to learn that my top strength is 'Achiever'. An achiever is someone who is really very good at making lists and then completing everything on the list. Achievers frequently have a high work capacity - and I do.

In the past I've felt guilty about being a list maker, and about the satisfaction I get from ticking things off on my list. Having done this assessment, one of the benefits I've experienced is a validation of who I am. Now, I'm proud to be a list maker, and to derive satisfaction from ticking off items.

With that in mind, today I was grateful, yet again, to be a list maker. I was incredibly productive today and I managed to tick off several items that have been sitting on my desk for far too long. I was grateful that I had a list, because otherwise I think I would have wasted a lot of time today, wondering what I should be doing. By having a list I was able to focus my energies, assess the priority of items on the list and the length of time required to finish them, and by so doing I was able to order my day more effectively. I love it when a plan comes together!

Gratitude day #28

During term time, in the mornings, when the kids wake up, they come for a cuddle in bed with me. We start every day with hugs and kisses and snuggles, and I get a chance to smell their heads. Yes, you read that right. To me, there is no better smell in the world than the smell of my kids' heads, particularly the younger one. It's not a baby smell anymore (don't new babies smell incredible?!?!), but it's still delicious.

And I am grateful for these moments of intimacy with my still-sleepy children.

I know that in time to come they will both feel too big to do this, too grown up, too mature. When that time comes, I will grieve a bit. But for now, I am lapping it all up and storing these memories in my heart, to reflect upon once they have flown the nest.

Gratitude day #27

As the new term has got underway, I have become aware, once again, of how blessed I am to have the husband I do. Every morning (get that - EVERY morning) he makes me breakfast in bed.

I mean, how lucky can a girl get?

Of course, this grew out of self-preservation. I am not a morning person. Not in the slightest. Don't talk to me until I've showered and had a cup of tea at least. In fact, don't talk to me till at least 8am, but preferably not before 10am. In his desire to soothe me in the waking process, he made the mistake of offering to bring me breakfast in bed for a few days, and, well, a few years later, he is still bringing me breakfast in bed.

But I am deeply, truly, eternally grateful for his dedication, and just for him in general. I am incredibly blessed to have him in my life!

Gratitude day #26

Today we went to support members of our cell group who run an NPO called The Royal Kidz. They run a project that provides school shoes for underprivileged kids. Today's hand over was special though, as they handed over not just school shoes, but also a school uniform.

The 3 schools they blessed today were farm schools in Ceres. These schools are so poor, and small, that they haven't got a uniform. Many of the kids who attend these 3 schools not on,y have no shoes, they have no jerseys, jackets, hats, or scarves, yet they attend school in the snow in winter.

So Dano and Tony got sponsors to be able to make these kids a school uniform -  jersey, track suit, beanie and scarf, as well as providing school shoes.

It was my privilege to support them in this - to help hand over, to help dress the kids in their new uniform, to help serve them lunch. 

And I am grateful for both the opportunity to serve them, and that my kids' schools are as well-provisioned as they are. A little glimpse into the world of these farm children has rekindled my gratitude for all that God has given my family.

Gratitude day #25

I am grateful to have reached the end of the first week. The first week of any term is always frenetic - term 3 more so because not only are we setting things up and in place for the term, but we are still doing reports from the previous term.

So I am grateful it is weekend and I have a chance to rest.

Gratitude day #24

Last night we had a corporate worship event at church. All the cell groups got together at church, rather than meeting as small groups, and we worshipped together for about 1.5 hours. I can't remember the last time I spent that amount of time just soaking in worship. I can't remember the last time I almost felt I was touching the hem of heaven. It was ... awesome (in the real sense of the word, not just the trite superlative version).

I am grateful to those who made last night possible - most notably the muso's and the creative team. Thank you for such an incredible evening.

Gratitude day #23

This will probably sound a bit weird, but I am grateful for a small piece of sky. I know, I know. How can I, as an African, be grateful for a small piece of sky? After all, isn't the attraction of Africa supposed to be the massive, wide open sky? But you see, this is not just any small piece of sky. This is the small piece of sky that is bounded by the walls of the quad outside my office.

I haven't taken a photo of it, because I know that no photo could ever convey the emotion it evokes in me. That small piece of sky, free of any horizon, often seems to hold the most incredible cloud formations, or be the most incredible shade of blue. Sometimes it has birds flying across it.

I love that small piece of sky. I love it because it is just so beautiful. The beauty it constrains often takes my breath away.

But I also love it because it is so surprising. I mean, I'm a country girl at heart - wide open vistas of mountains, rivers, oceans, fields are what appeal to me. Yet here I am, in the midst of a busy, noisy city, appreciating a small piece of sky.

I love it because it makes me look up. It often stops me in my tracks with its beauty. Whatever it is that I am so frenetically busy with falls away for a few moments as I gaze up and appreciate the small rectangle of sky. For those few moments I could be anywhere - miles away in the country. For those few moments, whatever was eating away at me stops. I love it because when I look up, I look at freedom. I feel freedom. I live freedom. I breathe freedom.

And often, that is enough to restore my soul and give me strength for the next few hours.

And so I am grateful for that small piece of sky.

Gratitude day #22

Last night we had dinner with some leaders from church. It was a good meal, with lots of discussion and I left feeling very encouraged. It struck me that we are very blessed to be part of a church that contains this level of quality leadership. I am really grateful to be surrounded by people who model excellent leadership and who call me to higher and better things in myself and in my own leadership. Leadership, particularly self-leadership is tough, and it is even tougher when you try t do it on your own. Having others along on the journey, against whom you can bounce off ideas and who can spark new things in you, is really such a privilege.

Gratitude day #21

Call me stupid, but I gave myself two electric shocks while changing some lights.... I am grateful to be alive. That is all.

Gratitude day #20

Sigh. The end of the holidays is upon us. Tomorrow is back to work (officially - teachers always do school work during the holidays) for me and back to school for the kids. I am already feeling rather overwhelmed and a bit panicky about all the work that is waiting for me.

BUT! I am grateful to have a job, particularly one that is secure and (relatively) untouched by the current financial climate. I am grateful for my work environment, as many teachers have to work with large classes in small venues, with unmotivated colleagues (or students!), in dangerous surrounds where gang warfare and drugs are an everyday event. I am grateful to work with people who appreciate my efforts and don't take all my additional hours for granted.

So tomorrow I will get up with a smile on my face, despite my trepidation about returning to work, and give thanks for all that God has given me.

Gratitude day #19

I have recently been walking the dogs late at night (partly because we've been too busy with other things during the day). I don't know whether you've done any walking at night, but aside from being a potential statistic, there are physical hazards involved. Most notably, this is that there is limited light available for sight. This means that when I walk my eyes are on the ground, looking out for uneven pavements, gutters, dog poo and other hazards that might cause me to trip or slip or twist an ankle. All of this means that I am not looking up. Which is fine. Except for when my neighbours' trees or bushes are overhanging the pavement. And whack me in the eye.

So I am grateful tonight that my eye only has a few burst blood vessels and that it was not more damaged than it was. Nothing like a quick whack to the eye to remind you a) how painful eye injuries are and b) how vital your eyesight is.

Gratitude day #18

We had some friends over for dinner last night, one of whom did not know the story of our loss of Zoe, or of te support group we run, Born Sleeping (check us out on Facebook - BornSleepingZA - or our website, Bornsleeping.wordpress.com), so we were telling him our story. Being a medic type, he was fascinated by my APS, and we were chatting about my symptoms and treatment (or lack thereof). In the re-telling and discussion, I was reminded so clearly of what a miracle it is that both my children are alive; that instead of having all of my children in heaven, I have two of them on earth with me. I am grateful to God for the lives of all my kids, living and dead, but I am all the more grateful to have two living. I am grateful that I am able to experience them, know them, love them, watch them growing and developing, and that I am able to feel their love in return. What a blessing and privilege!

Gratitude day #17

This morning, as the storm hit and I heard the rain and the wind outside, I was grateful, yet again, for my home and my bed. Tucked up all nice and warm under my duvet, I was grateful for the solid walls and (mostly) water-proof roof, and my thick duvet. As I snuggled deeper under the duvet I was grateful for being warm, and dry, and cozy. 

Gratitude day #16

In our multi-faith, multicultural environment, I have been grateful that my kids have some friends who are being raised in their faith. Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to have friends of other faiths and cultures, because I believe it is important for them to learn tolerance and acceptance, and because I believe being exposed to diversity is good. However, I still want them to have friends with whom they share their faith. 

This holiday I have been aware of how few friends they each have with whom they do share their faith, and so I am grateful for these few. I treasure these friendships, and my developing friendships with their friends' parents. I know that in years to come, having friends who share their faith, and therefore understand their questions in a particular way, and who can walk their faith journey with them will be invaluable. Having friends who have been around since childhood is also invaluable. 

Gratitude Day #15

I am grateful for history. I know that the only thing we learn from history is that no-one ever learns anything from history (or so I'm told), but I'm grateful for it. Looking back on history affords us the opportunity, if we want it, to not have to repeat mistakes. It also anchors us, gives us something of an identity.

Having been working on the family photo album this holiday (only 2 years' worth of photos to catch up in!) I have been gratified to see how much interest the kids have in their past, and the questions they have asked about things they can't remember. I can see how the photos are reminders to them about important family events, or times with friends, and having been reminded, they feel loved, secure and happy. Seeing themselves as part of something bigger, their own sense of belonging has increased. They have loved retelling the stories of their past -  the 'remember when...' moments. 

Storytelling is such an important skill. It's something that develops imagination, and logical thought, as well as being a social anchor, or glue. Every culture of earth values storytelling, and I love the way photos help my kids to tell their own stories.

Gratitude day #14

Life. I am grateful for life. Not just any life, though, or life in general, but a very specific one.

My mother's cousin's wife died yesterday. Yvonne was a wonderful, Godly woman, who was more like a sister to my mom than anything. Piet and his wife were such a help to us when my own gran developed Alzheimer's, and without them, I'm not sure how either my mom or I would have coped. They both have such a special place in our hearts.

Yvonne developed cancer about a year and a half ago, shortly after Piet himself had to be institutionalised because of his Alzheimer's. She died peacefully yesterday, while holding her daughter's hand.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have known Yvonne, to have counted her in my family. I am grateful that this is not goodbye, just a farewell, until we meet again.

Gratitude day #13

It's often the small things in life that make a difference. I am grateful for my bed. Whenever I go away it always takes me a day or so to become accustomed to the bed, often resulting in poor sleep for at least a night. Sometimes I'm fortunate that the bed is similar to my own, and then I sleep like a baby. Coming back from holiday though, I was very grateful for my own bed. It's not that the bed we were sleeping in was uncomfortable, it's just that it was too hard. With my back issues, that meant that by the morning I was in pain.

And if you aren't sleeping well because you're in pain, and you spend the first part of the day in pain, it does not make for a happy camper... #justsaying...

Gratitude day #12

Sleep. I am grateful for sleep. Following on with the theme of the last post, until something has been taken from you, you don't really know who wonderful it is.

From time to time I suffer with insomnia. I am a light sleeper at the best of times, and most nights I wake up at least once. Fortunately, most of the time I am also incredibly good at falling asleep.

(I have a secret weapon though... Prayer. Not that prayer puts me to sleep, but rather, God is the one who knocks me out so that I can sleep, for I doubt that without his intervention my insomnia would be 1000x worse.)

The other night I woke up, as usual, but when I wanted to fall asleep again, I couldn't. I got up again, and put some stuff down on paper to try to clear my head, then headed back to bed. I eventually managed to fall asleep again, but I was reminded how precious sleep is.

Sleep deprivation ultimately leads to death, but before then it leads to irritability, disorientation, even hallucinations.

My hubbie regularly suffers with insomnia. The impacts of his sleep deprivation affects not just him, but me, and the kids. I reckon the same must be true when I lack sleep. Sleep, the sweet welcome of sleep. How I do appreciate it!