Things I have learnt from... car guards

On one of our local radio stations, they regularly ask people to message in their answers to a question they pose on a random topic. Yesterday the question was about car guards. Car guards are, I think, a uniquely South African thing.

They are people who guard cars from vandals, help with pushing your trolley and loading your shopping into your car, and try to direct you out of the parking bay as you reverse (usually standing in the way of the car and being a danger to themselves, in my experience) in exchange for whatever spare cash you may have. They may also offer a car washing service if they are particularly proactive. They are usually part of the informal sector - i.e. they appoint themselves - and some are not much more than glorified beggars. In the worst case scenarios, if you fail to tip them, they scratch your car as you drive away. Because of their nuisance factor, over the last decade or so many shopping centres have started appointing their own car guards, who have official bibs to identify them.

The radio station’s question was what people thought of car guards - were they offering a useful service, or were they just a nuisance? I was surprised that over 80% of those who called or messaged the studio were in favor of them. I have an intense dislike of them - not of any particular individual, just of having to be hassled by people whose services I neither desire nor need. I don’t know whether people who feel the way I do simply didn’t air their opinion, or whether that straw poll indicates that I am very much out of step with popular opinion, but it got me thinking about things.

I realized that it’s not just car guards that I dislike. I have a natural suspicion about people, bar a few circumstances. Sadly, I realized that my instinctual reaction to people is that they are out to get something from me, or to harm me in some way, so I walk around with a heightened background “noise” of suspicion, fear and anger towards others.

This is not how Jesus calls us to live - he calls us to love everyone - even our enemies. So how do I reconcile my seemingly innate reactions with this call on my life? I started by trying to determine why it is that I feel the way I do about people. I don’t know that I have a complete understanding yet, but I definitely found a few pointers.

Growing up under Apartheid, I imbibed the lie about the “swart gevaar”. Strangers, particularly those of colour (who, let’s be honest, are the only car guards I’ve seen). The lie is that “those people” ARE out to get me, and will not only steal from me at the first opportunity, but are also looking for ways to kill me. Of course, there is also the massive discrepancy between me, someone who HAS (a job, a car, a brick house that easily accommodates my family, sanitation and plumbing in said house, electricity, a university education, food in my cupboards/ fridge/ freezer), and those beggars and car guards, who are part of the populace of HAVE NOTS in the country. Faced with them on a daily basis is emotionally exhausting as I try to hold back my white guilt so that I’m not perpetually overwhelmed. Displaying anger (whether in tone of voice, or body/ facial language) is a pretty good way to make people keep their distance from you. Just don’t make eye contact....

I also have a strong reaction to adverts and salespeople - they really are out to get something from me. Somehow my assumption when anyone stops me (in the shopping centre, at the traffic lights, etc.) is that they are either a salesperson, or worse. I’m not sure where this comes from, but it’s a pretty strong reaction - even to print adverts, or adverts at the start of videos on YouTube, or in the side banners on social media. I think it’s a reaction to the feeling that I’m being manipulated in some way, because I’m generally quite ornery when I think I’m being manipulated or told what to think/ do/ feel.

Thinking back on just today, it occurred to me that working with teenagers is probably also a contributing factor. Teenagers are constantly pushing the boundaries, and can be very confrontational.  As I deal with a lot of discipline issues on a daily basis (I’m a grade head and manage the school’s discipline admin), I guess that I have become hardened and assume that any interaction I am going to have with a student is going to be one of confrontation, where I’m on the receiving end of a lot of aggression; not to mention that my assumption is always that I’m being lied to all the time, because much of the time I am being lied to.

Even knowing all of this, I think there is a deeper issue at play here though: selfishness. I have always been a selfish, greedy person. So, I suppose that my suspicion of others stems, ultimately, from my selfishness. I don’t want anyone else to take my stuff, or even get what might potentially be mine one day. While outwardly I applaud the success of others, inwardly my jealousy seethes - why them and not me? This is me at my ugliest, and most unsanctified. This is the person Jesus came to save and redeem. In his words - it’s not the healthy who need a doctor: it’s the sick!

I was sick and dying in my sin, in my selfishness, in my hatred and anger and fear, BUT JESUS stepped into history to save me. Thank God! That’s not to say that, now that I’m saved, I’m perfect or have everything sorted. Far from it! But at least now I have hope that as I grapple with the ugly side of me, I will find freedom. I will be set free from the worst of me. Not only is there grace to cover me, but there is love that will transform me, from one degree of glory to the next. Even as I identify the evil in my heart, already God has reached out to help me deal with it, if I will but grasp His hand. I doubt this is something that will be fixed overnight. Rather, I think this is part of an on-going conversation I’ll be having with God, and that the healing will be gradual.

The times they are a'changin'

I had two interesting conversations today at work. Both surprised me - and I'm not often genuinely surprised by the things people say to me, or about me. So here I am again...

Humility, true humility, is something I think many of us struggle with. I know I do. I know that I am capable in many areas of life. I hesitate to say I am gifted because I know many people who are far more gifted than I am. I'm more of a generalist. I do a lot of things really well, but nothing really excellently. There are few things that I am not capable of doing well if I really apply myself to them (of course, I'm too lazy & selfish to really apply myself).

In addition, growing up I was thin, tall and stereotypically beautiful. Given all this, I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I was blessed with so much, while others were not. I felt guilty for other people feeling uncomfortable around me. I felt guilty for being so much better at things than others, for things coming so easily to me. So I developed a habit of always downplaying myself, never accepting compliments. And as we all know, bad habits stick.

Why do I tell you this? Because today I was reminded of how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go. I've learnt to accept myself more, but I still find it hard to overcome my learnt responses. I still struggle to accept compliments. Now, however, it's not because I am trying to downplay my own abilities, but rather because I see myself more truly than those who see only the outside of me, and I find myself wanting.

Today I was given a compliment that I have the ability to write excellently phrased letters to parents seemingly effortlessly. I caught myself trying to deflect - I know I don't get it right all the time. Before I could though, this person told me I should blog, because I write so beautifully. Well! Blogging is a TOTALLY different skill to drafting letters - there I go again, trying to deflect (even though it's true). But the comment got me thinking. Why did I stop blogging? If I'm honest, I stopped blogging because I felt I had nothing to say. I didn't want to just rehash things everyone else was talking about - there are others who said it first and so much better than I ever could. I also felt curtailed in writing about the things I really wanted to say and reflect upon, because of professionalism. That left me with nothing much to say.

And there is nothing worse than reading a blog post that has neither substance nor direction, that skirts around the issues, or says nothing in particular and everything in general. If I wrote, I wanted it to be because it was genuine, heart-warming, thought-provoking, life enhancing, pleasurable, something, anything other than boring and mundane. I may not write for others to read - I write so that my children can look back and get to know the real me, and so that I can look back and see how (hopefully) I've stopped being quite so pretentious - but I do like to be read, acknowledged. And if people are going to read my writing, I want it to have some sort of meaning.

I suppose the lack of writing, of feeling I had neither something to say, nor something worthwhile to say, was actually symptomatic of a much deeper issue - the fact that I was bored with myself; that my life had become narrow and grey and lifeless.

It was into that context that the second conversation took place. The second person also complimented me, by saying that I have been a different person this year - glowing with inner beauty. (Wow! Really??) This person asked what I'd changed. Initially I had no answer, but as we chatted I realised that what had changed was my attitude. When I went to the Global Leadership Conference last year (I try to go every year. It is an incredible event!), I realised that I was burnt out, and that unless I made some significant changes in my life, I was going to end up on medication for depression, possibly suicidal.

So I found myself a mentor, and she has been holding me accountable for implementing the changes I identified that I needed to make. As I've made the changes, and tried to stick with it (some months are better than others), I've found that my life has been richer, happier, broader.

And so maybe it is time to see whether I have stuff to say again. Maybe my first colleague is right - maybe I should be a blogger again, in practice, not just in name. It may well be that what I want to say and reflect upon I can't really, for professional reasons, but maybe I've recovered enough of myself to have other things to talk about. The times they are a-changin'...

Value added

I recently attended the Global Leadership Summit, but via videocast here at home. There were lots of take-home points for me, but I'll share one with you now.

How can you add value to other people's lives?

I was struck by this simple idea - starting every day by thinking and praying through all the meetings I would have, people whose lives I would touch in some way, and thinking about ways I could add value to their lives. (Obviously, the point is then to act on whatever you have thought about!)

Since then, I have made this our nightly opening question at the dinner table. How did you add value today?

Some days it has been easy to answer. Other days, it has been nigh on impossible to think of how I have added value. Whatever the outcome though, I have found the process of reflection eye-opening. I'm not so good with starting the day with reflection, and planning ways I might add value. That's something I am working on though. However, the nightly reflection is starting to affect my daily routines.

Today, instead of giving up on a particularly difficult student who messed up yet again (which is what my natural inclination was), I found myself able to reflect in the moment on my own behaviour and choose a different response that would be more helpful to the student. I found myself able to engage in conversation that, I hope, added value. For me, that's quite a milestone.

One of the secrets of adding value is that it doesn't have to be focussed on evangelism and eternal destinies. Opening a door for someone, smiling at someone, making someone feel seen or heard or loved or appreciated - these all add value. Of course, the ultimate value we can add is to help others to make the choice to step over the line of faith, so I'm not discounting that;

But I have found such freedom in thinking about how to add value to the cashier, or waiter, or petrol pump attendant I come across during my week. Of course, Bill Hybels talks about this same concept (albeit using different words) in his book 'Walk across the room', which is about personal evangelism. I know that for some people this stuff is 2nd nature, and I know that this is stuff I have known about before, but for some reason, at this stage and season of my life and walk with God, this concept has become totally fresh for me; revelatory, in fact.

So I challenge you - how are you adding value to those around you (not just your friends and family, although you should add value to their lives as well!) on a daily basis? And how can you get better at this?

Gratitude day #8

If you see my kids you will often see that their clothes are either patched, or have holes. Partly this is because I refuse to pay good money for clothing that will only last them a season -  they are growing at a rate of knots! As a result, many of their clothes have been second hand, hand me downs. Partly, this is because my kids are active - they climb, run, ride, crawl - and their activity takes a physical toll of their clothes.

Just yesterday, #1 came home with new holes next to a previous hole I'd sewn up. I was so frustrated, because part of me wishes the kids would take better care of their clothing. But then I got to thinking about it, and realised that, given the choice, I would rather have holes in their clothes than not. 

Oddly, I am grateful for the holes. The holes show both that my kids are not spending every spare moment in front of a screen - they are having something of the childhood I had - and that (at the end of the day) we are not obsessed about material goods. We do not have to have the latest fashion, or branded clothing.

When I look at the number of fat, or obese children, and the increase in childhood obesity, I am pleased that my kids are learning that being physical is healthy as well as fun. If their clothes suffer, well, clothes can be replaced. Fingers and toes, or eyesight, lost through diabetes are not as easy (or cheap) to replace.

When I look at the image-consciousness of children I teach, or those of more wealthy friends and friends, I worry about my kids. I don't want them to be the object of name-calling, teasing or bullying because of their clothes, but at the same time, I don't want my kids to become like those kids. At the moment it is easy for my kids to be oblivious. I know the time will come when they will become aware of their clothes, and then we will need to have that discussion. In the meantime, I don't want them to have to refrain from being kids because I am overly-concerned they will damage clothing that cost the earth to purchase. I want them to know that clothes are just something to cover the body.

I am grateful for these physical reminders that our kids are growing up learning appropriate values - to enjoy physical play and being active; and that clothing does not have to be a status symbol.