Joy vs happiness

I was taught, many moons ago, that joy and happiness are not the same thing; that happiness is an emotion, while joy is a state of mind that we can choose to live in; that happiness is the result of circumstances, while joy is a choice in spite of circumstances; that happiness is fleeting, while joy is eternal (or could be...if we choose it); that happiness is surface only, while joy is deep heart stuff.

Then, last Sunday, a preacher stood up and said that was all rubbish, or mostly rubbish - that joy is an emotion, one we are able to experience all the time, like happiness; that basically there is no difference between joy and happiness; that saying joy is a choice actually presents it as a joyless option; that we can have joy (happiness) all the time if we abide in Jesus all the time. Both sides used Scripture to support their point of view, and both sides sound convincing. I suppose, to some extent, it's all swings and roundabouts, pendulum swung too far to one side, or the other, and that both are true concurrently. You know - that typical thing we humans do by over-emphasising one part of a truth over another, which then gets warped out of proportion.

And so I've been pondering joy vs happiness all week, trying to decide what I believe the truth is. I've been looking for moments of happiness and joy throughout the day, constantly asking myself if I was happy in that moment, and if so, why, and if not, why. It's been an interesting journey  and I'm pleased to report that most of the time I have felt happy...even when being BORED OUT OF MIND invigilating. I guess, most of the time, my happiness comes from knowing that I am in the centre of God's will, that I'm doing what he called me to do. The rest of it comes, I guess, from not being stressed because I don't have any marking to do (YET!! That all starts on Monday!)

And because life is moving at a slightly slower pace for me, I've had the time to do things I love, to laugh, to spend time with people, to be creative - which makes me happy, and joyful. But see - if joy is a choice when circumstances are poor, then because this week has been a good one, I can't really evaluate whether or not I have joy... so the coming weeks will be important in this little experiment.

But in the meantime, I thought I would share with you these comics from the New Yorker Magazine, which I just love. Have a fabulous weekend!

"Actually, it all makes me feel statistically average-sized and I resent the tone."

"You lose your phone again, Rusty?"

Value added

I recently attended the Global Leadership Summit, but via videocast here at home. There were lots of take-home points for me, but I'll share one with you now.

How can you add value to other people's lives?

I was struck by this simple idea - starting every day by thinking and praying through all the meetings I would have, people whose lives I would touch in some way, and thinking about ways I could add value to their lives. (Obviously, the point is then to act on whatever you have thought about!)

Since then, I have made this our nightly opening question at the dinner table. How did you add value today?

Some days it has been easy to answer. Other days, it has been nigh on impossible to think of how I have added value. Whatever the outcome though, I have found the process of reflection eye-opening. I'm not so good with starting the day with reflection, and planning ways I might add value. That's something I am working on though. However, the nightly reflection is starting to affect my daily routines.

Today, instead of giving up on a particularly difficult student who messed up yet again (which is what my natural inclination was), I found myself able to reflect in the moment on my own behaviour and choose a different response that would be more helpful to the student. I found myself able to engage in conversation that, I hope, added value. For me, that's quite a milestone.

One of the secrets of adding value is that it doesn't have to be focussed on evangelism and eternal destinies. Opening a door for someone, smiling at someone, making someone feel seen or heard or loved or appreciated - these all add value. Of course, the ultimate value we can add is to help others to make the choice to step over the line of faith, so I'm not discounting that;

But I have found such freedom in thinking about how to add value to the cashier, or waiter, or petrol pump attendant I come across during my week. Of course, Bill Hybels talks about this same concept (albeit using different words) in his book 'Walk across the room', which is about personal evangelism. I know that for some people this stuff is 2nd nature, and I know that this is stuff I have known about before, but for some reason, at this stage and season of my life and walk with God, this concept has become totally fresh for me; revelatory, in fact.

So I challenge you - how are you adding value to those around you (not just your friends and family, although you should add value to their lives as well!) on a daily basis? And how can you get better at this?

Gratitude day #5

Is it cheating if I repeat a gratitude item? Not just for the sake of repeating it, or because I couldn't think of anything else to say, but because I genuinely find myself giving thanks for it over and over? 

Hmm... Okay, then I'll slant this one slightly, so it's not exactly the same. 

Today I am grateful for the laughter of children. There is something, some quality, in their laughter that lifts the weary soul, puts a smile on your face, that takes years off your life.

My kids played together so beautifully yesterday. They just enjoyed each other. The result was a lot of laughter. Listening to them laugh, even though we were running late, even though I didn't want to get out of bed, even though I didn't want to make them MORE breakfast, etc. etc., I could not help but smile at them, and laugh with them.

Children have such a simplistic view of the world, and it is so refreshing. It restores the soul in many ways. Couple that with laughter and you have a winning formula! I am so grateful to have e laughter of children ringing in my house. I suspect that I will suffer terribly from empty best syndrome when they go, when they grow up, and partly because I need their simplicity and their laughter to remind me that I take myself, and the world, far too seriously at times.

The measure of success

In conversation with someone tonight, I found myself commenting that while this has been a hard year, it's been a good one too. I was surprised as those words left my mouth. Why? Because I'm a complainer. I love any excuse to bemoan my fate. Yet, here I was saying I've had a good year. What's more, I didn't realise that was true till I said it.

Yes, this year has been tough. Not as tough as 2007/8, granted, but still tough. I've had several people I love suffer depression. I lost a friend to the Nairobi mall shooting. Financially it's been incredibly tough. Both my mother and mother-in-law had serious ops. My father and step-mother have also had frail health this year. We lost a house we had an offer accepted on, very last minute, which broke my heart. Work has been... extremely pressured. It's been a difficult year. I'm looking forward to the holidays.

Yet, it's been a good year.

As I reflected on where that truth sprang from, it struck me afresh that it's been a good year despite the difficult circumstances. Circumstances don't dictate success, or lack thereof. Rather, it's our attitude that does.

This year has held significant break-through for me, in my faith and my relationship with God. It's because of that, and the changed attitudes of my heart, that my perceptions of reality have changed. My reality is now less focused on the circumstances that surround me, and more focused on the God who loves me, and sustains me. 

My measure of success is becoming His perception of my life, rather than how much money I have in the bank, how many compliments I've received, whether I meet all my deadlines, or whatever. This is not to say I have this waxed! Far from it! Yet, I can look back over the year and see significant strides forward in this, and so I know that I have made progress. Because there is progress, though my circumstances have not changed, I feel the flush of success. 

This has been a good year, not because my God has walked alongside me, but because I am learning, once again, to walk alongside Him, and that feels so good! 

Mother's Day is pain for some

Mother's Day, like so many other celebrations, can be a fabulous day, or a torment, depending on one's position and perspective. For those who have children, it's usually a good day, but for those who long for children, it can be a torment. For those of us who have a foot in each camp though, it is a mixed blessing.

On the one hand, we are eternally grateful for the children we have, for the blessing they are in our lives. On the other hand though, Mother's Day only serves to highlight the lack in our lives - the missing children; the ones we have lost to death, the ones we long to have but can't.

Sitting in church on Sunday morning, I was struck by the fact that most of life is lived between two camps. 

A friend adopted a beautiful girl several years ago. For her, Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the fact that she has this beautiful child n her life, but it is also a day of great sadness, thinking about the tragedy that made it necessary for the birth mother to give her child up for adoption. It is also a day of sadness for her, being aced, yet again, with her own inability to be pregnant and give birth.

Another friend is single, and longs for a husband and children of her own. She celebrated the gift her own mother is to her, but weeps that (as yet) God has not chosen to bless her with children of her own.

Then there is the mother whose adult son, a member of our congregation, was tragically shot and killed in a mugging over the weekend. For her, Mother's Day will always be linked to her son's murder....

There is my own story, of nearly losing one child, and then losing the next one, because of a disease I didn't know I had, until it was too late. As a child, I also have two mothers - my birth mother, who raised me and loves me and is an awesome woman; and my step-mother, who loves me despite the fact that for years I thought she was the cause of my parents' divorce. 

For all of us, and for so many more, life is this dichotomy, joy and pain, laughter and tears, celebration and mourning. Yet, in the midst of it all, there is God. 

Losing my child was the most difficult road I have ever had to walk. Those of you who have followed my blog will know the story, the deep questions I had about God, and for God. As I emerged on the other side of grief though, I discovered that through it all, God had been holding me in his hands. Wile I had let go of him, he never let go of me. I learnt that it is possible to praise God in the midst of pain, not FOR the pain, but despite it. 

The tears still fall. The hole in my life is still there. My daughter is still dead. YET will I praise him. I praise him for the gift of motherhood, of children, even though this gift has come with large doses of tears. Love involves grief, it cannot be otherwise, this side of heaven.

Thus, I am always on the look-out for songs that, as the Psalms do, express something of this dichotomy. I often feel that our western style of worship ignores the lament, the worship given in the place of deepest sorrow, because we live in a culture where pain is medicated away, or surgically fixed, and therefore we don't know how to handle the pain of a soul, which cannot be treated so easily.

I recently re-discovered Tim Hughes' song "When the silence falls", popularly known as 'When the tears fall', which is exactly this kind of song. I found two versions on YouTube that I like, for different reasons. Watch them both, and decide for yourself which one you prefer.

Video 1:http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWUimGv_xrU

Video 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=64uVGQ7EcjI

Happiness is...

I've been thinking a lot about a throw away comment someone made to me recently. The comment was that you make your own happiness.

This person, I should point out, is of a different faith to me. When dealing with people of other (or no) faiths, I try really hard to hear the truth in what they say, because I don't believe that Christianity is the only source of truth (although I do believe that the God I believe in is the ultimate source). Sometimes it's really hard though, because when I hear what others believe, warning bells go off in my head to warn me not to be duped by false truths, not to be sucked into lies.

So I've really pondered this comment. This person believes that everything in life is the result of what yourself do, or fail to do, that you really can make your own happiness. Oprah also seems to believe this sort of thing, with her publicity of the 'Secret of happiness" (I think that's what it was called). Is it true though?

I know what the Bible tells me. Happiness is fleeting, temporary, and depends on the circumstances around me. Joy, on the other hand, is a deep, abiding, everlasting contentment that comes from internal factors that are not dependent on external circumstances - like our faith in God, or his faithfulness to us.

So, when Zoe died, I was NOT happy. However, I could still have been joyful, if my faith in God had been sufficiently deep and secure.

Maybe, when this friend was talking about happiness being something we create for ourselves, what she really meant was joy. Joy is still something I'm trying to figure out, because I'm still working on getting my daily walk with God sorted out. But I reckon that's what she was talking about.

OMW - the best day ever?

Do you ever have those days where everything just seems to go right? Where you find yourself getting more and more excited? Where you find yourself getting creative, making connections, seeing possibilities? Days when the future is rosy and golden?

I had one of those days today. It was so great that I had verbal diarrhoea for about 45 minutes when G and I met for coffee at lunch time. And then again all over my principal when I reported back to him about my day. Terrible, really, but I had such an amazing day I couldn't help myself.

I think one of the reasons that today was so awesome is that it ticked all my boxes for the things that really make me happy - meeting new people, learning new stuff, playing with technology, getting creative with problem solving, and lots of excellent, free food!

I went to a breakfast this morning, at the Mount Nelson, on someone else's account. What a great start to the day, right? I have to say, it's been a while since I have had a breakfast that awesome. Truly. There's a reason that the Nelly has such a great reputation.

But even before we got to the eating bit, the day got off to a great start. I had just walked through the door, when in walked someone who's face I recognised. (I'm good with faces, hardly ever forget a face, but names! Ooh boy, I'm rotten with names.) Since I was there on my own, I decided to take the bull by the horns, figuratively speaking. I wandered over and mentioned that I recognised her face, and would she mind telling me her name.

Wouldn't you know it? It was Maggie Verster! (She had been the keynote speaker at an ICT conference I went to 2 years ago, and have been following on Twitter since.) So the conversation goes like this:

Me: MAGGIE! Of course! Now I remember.

MV: (looking mildly confused)

Me: (seeing her confusion) Oh, not to worry. I've followed you on Twitter since the ICT conference 2 years ago.

MV: Oh! Right! (brightens, smiles broadly) What's your twitter designation?

Me: I'm Nixgrim.

MV: (huge smile) Of course! Fabulous to finally meet you! (and gives me a bear hug)

Turning to the others standing in our circle, she says: See how amazing Twitter is?! Isn't this amazing?

LOL!

I follow a blog of a woman in the US who frequently goes to conferences where she meets people she follows/ is follwed by on Twitter. She often comments on how lovely it is to meet people and put faces to names. As the above scenario was playing itself out, I couldn't help but think of Cecily and think to myself that this must be what she experiences on a regular basis. It's SO COOL!

Then I got to chat to a whole bunch of other people, Maggie included, who are keen to see how they can use web 2.0 and technology in the classroom. This was awesome for two reasons - firstly, I got to meet new people. I love meeting new people. It gives me a certain kick. However, I like meeting people with whom I have something in common even more (who doesn't?!). So meeting the people at this breakfast was exciting because I found myself having conversations that were meaningful, not just the usual social chit chat that one makes when meeting new people.

The purpose of the breakfast was to officially launch FullMarks (see yesterday's post). Hearing afresh the details about the programme, what it does and how it works, got me thinking long and hard about what's happening at the school. It struck me, as I was listening and pondering, that we aren't going about things the right way. We're doing it all (as my father would put it) arse-about-face. (I think that's a rather apt description...)

Not being one to be satisfied with identifying the problem, my brain immediately set to work trying to find a solution. This in itself was fantastic. As long as I'm not tired, I love problem-solving. I love working at a practical problem and finding a practical solution.

Well, I came up with a possible solution - KACHING! - one that has the potential to make my job even more interesting, which would be a win-win. So I'm feeling good because I think I've found a workable solution, and I'm feeling excited at the possibility of what the future might hold.

Then, since the brain cells have been nicely oiled, and since I was sitting at a table of like-minded individuals, we got to chatting about other problems. During the discussion, I came up with yet another solution to a problem we are currently facing at school - KACHING! Now I'm really hitting the ceiling. I'm on top of the world!

Things can't get any better, right? Wrong. I've had a particular problem/ project I've had for several weeks now, that I've been trying to solve, to no avail. In chatting to Maggie this morning, she made a flyaway comment that could be the solution to my problem. Wow!

Oh there were a few other small things, connections I made for myself, with things that I can do to help my kids, but they're small, so I won't waste time on them now.

End of the breakfast, and off I went to a meeting that didn't happen. Instead, G and I went for coffee and biscuits. And I got to pour all my enthusiasm and excitement over him. Poor guy. He took it really well and even asked some really penetrating questions. I love that he listens to me, really listens to me. I'm a very blessed woman!

So feeling more grounded, but still buzzed, off I went to school and happened to find the principal with a few minutes to kick around. I promptly sat him down and gave him the edited highlights package. Nervously. In a completely unrelated situation I discovered that some people don't react well to initiative. While I know that the principal isn't one of those types, my confidence was shaken, so I'm nervous of over-stepping boundaries. But he responded very positively to my comments and suggestions. Very well. Yay!!

Reading back through this, I know that I haven't really given you the details that some of you would like. Sorry. You can blame that on a crisis of confidence too.

Enough already!

I must be tired. Even I said to Graeme last night that I need to slow down. You gotta know how bad things get for me to admit that it's too much.

But I don't want to complain. I feel like I've been doing a lot of that lately. I'm determined to be positive. So... the positive things happening in my life right now are:

Gd 10 field trip tomorrow - sun, sea... oh yes, and 134 15-yr olds. Hmm... I know what you're thinking, but this really is a positive thing. Firstly, although it took me a lot of schlep I got all but one of the reply slips in today. (We've got this great system in place so that parents can sms their permission in, rather than have to fill in forms.... except it broke down and hasn't worked properly for the last month or so.) That was a major achievement and I'm very proud of myself. Secondly, I love this field trip (even though it's exhausting beyond words) because the kids actually enjoy themselves on it. There are lots of light bulb moments. Most of these kids will never have played in a rock pool before, let alone realised the incredible diversity of life right there under their shoes. And of course, someone always get completely drenched by the waves or falls in a rock pool - which the others love.

Science Fair has ended and was a huge success. I've basically finished up all the remaining admin for it - got one last task to sort out next week, and then it's just filing the stuff ready for next year. I'm really pleased by how well it went, considering this was the first time I've run one in SA.

Nellie is being such a joy at the moment - we're still in a 'Mommy is flavour of the month' stage, but although her clingyness is exhausting, I'm revelling in the love and attention!

Baby boy suddenly seems to have realised that to keep Mommy from panicking he needs to kick vigorously, and is doing so. OK, so it's right into my bladder and is incredibly uncomfortable, but it's another thing I'm relishing because at least I have no concerns that he's healthy and alive. (Only 12 weeks to go tomorrow!!)

We have an incredible family - just had dinner with American family out here for a visit. Great family party on Sat night, another family party coming up this weekend, grandparents are taking Nellie for Friday night so we can rest a bit (although not much as I have a school function on Sat starting at 9.30am) & get a night off. What a blessing they are!

And I have an incredible husband who buys me chocolate treats and makes me profuse numbers of cups of tea... not to mention the way he is taking up the slack with Nellie while I'm so incredibly busy.

So, while I'm swamped with work, can't quite see the silver lining, don't quite know how I'm going to physically do all the things that have to happen by next Thursday, and am ready to call quits on work in general, there is actually a lot to be really grateful for, and that's what I'm going to focus on. Enough complaining already!

That said, let me head off now to start my marking for today (at 9.20pm), because otherwise I will get even further behind and become even more stressed.

Death and periods

I'm almost "officially dead". At least, that's what my CMT thinks. Not having heard from me in over a week, nearly 2 in fact, she was becoming convinced that I was dead.

Hmm...

OK, so I've been REEEEEEALLY busy. But I'm not dead. Not yet. Give me a few years at my current pace and maybe I will be, but not yet. I'm having too much fun to die!

In fact, a colleague asked me today how I do it - working full time, with a family, and LL, and studying part-time. I had a good think about it, and replied that I'm not sure.

On the one hand, it's about expectations - I have to do stuff, so I just do it. Be disciplined and just do it. There are enough hours in the day. On the other hand, there aren't enough hours in the day, so something is always falling off the bottom of the list - like time with Graeme, or my sleep and health, or LL, or my marking.... It's just a matter of juggling which one, so that the one falling off the list isn't urgent. Of course, I don't recommend it to anyone else, not even myself. But I'm having fun... so I don't think I'm ready to give anything up just yet.

But back to the story about my CMT. So I'm chatting to her about how I'm really not yet dead (aren't you pleased to know that?!). She's shaking her head at me incredulously, when I promptly inform her that next month is THE MONTH. (We're falling pregnant next month, if you didn't know. Don't call us [we're going to be BUSY], we'll call you.) At which point she nearly fell off her chair laughing, until she realised I was serious. 'But Nicole,' she said to me, 'how are you going to manage that ON TOP of everything else?' I just smiled, shook my head and replied - I have no idea, but probably in the same manner I'm not managing now, except that things are about to get a lot more interesting with my head down a toilet bowl all day.

(Oh yes, I have horrible, nasty, never-to-be-repeated-unless-you-absolutely-have-to kind of pregnancies! There's no cheaper way to have a baby. I love feeling the baby kick, unless it's into my lungs, or down into my fractured spine. I love bonding with the baby over 8 months. But I HATE being pregnant. Cramps, sore legs, sore back, sore tummy, sore knees, vomiting, nauseous, unable to sleep, unable to walk... I'm going to stop now, before I convince myself this is a really bad idea!)

It's hard to believe that this will (hopefully) be my last cycle for the next year. Hooray! No more pads or tampons or leaks. No more feeling cheated and jealous when I see other women with big bellies.

I know this sounds absolutely crazy (and this is not tongue-in-cheek), but I am really looking forward to having the opportunity to hurl my guts into the nearest loo about once a day. I am looking forward to having my bones come apart to such an extent that I have to wear a special pregnancy hip and thigh brace to be able to walk without pain. I am looking forward swollen ankles and being berated for not drinking enough water every day. I am looking forward to being woken up at 2am in the most excruciating pain as my leg or foot tries to bend itself the wrong way round. I am looking forward to feeling 100x more tired than I am now. I am looking forward to getting more stretch marks on my stomach. I am looking forward to not being able to bend over, or see my toes.

Simply put, I am looking forward to feeling awful. Because feeling awful MEANS something. It means that there is a new life growing inside me. I am looking forward to holding that new life in my arms, looking into her eyes and hearing her cry. Everything will be worth it for that single moment of knowing that I have succeeded in bringing forth that new life.

It doesn't matter to me that I am already more busy than anyone else I know, or that there really isn't time in my life for this, or that I'm already tired. To be honest, I really don't care if I lose the business, or fail my course. What I care about most is that new life. I can't wait to meet my new baby....

And this time around, I am going to cherish every moment of my pregnancy. Every kick, every heart-beat. Because if this one should die too, as is highly probable, I don't want to carry the guilt I carry for Zoe - that I failed to appreciate her while I had her with me. I won't make that mistake twice.

This moment has been 18 months in the coming, and that's an awfully long time to wait for something you are desperate for. While I usually hate having my periods (they are SUCH a las!), this next one I will celebrate with joy. One more to go, please God! Please, God?

Zephaniah 3:17

A friend asked me recently whether being a parent changed my view of God, or my relationship with him. It definitely has done for me.

The Chinese State Circus is in town, and I was thinking of taking Nellie along, except that I think she might be a bit too young to enjoy it properly. (She'd probably love it for about 20 minutes and then be bored.) But I was thinking about it again today, about whether I'm using her as an excuse to go to the circus, because otherwise I would be too old/ cool/ insert some other adjective here to enjoy it, or whether I really only want to go because I want her to enjoy it.

I finally decided that the major reason I want to go is because I'm excited about the possibility of her being excited by it. In other words, I delight in her enjoyment of things/ experiences/ people. And because I'd been thinking about my friend's question, it struck me afresh that God loves it when we have a good time and enjoy life too. He delights in our enjoyment of life. He delights in us. And knowing that changes things. I don't have to feel guilty about taking time to enjoy reading a good book, or about enjoying baking some extremely calorific biscuits (followed by the obligatory scoffing of said biscuits). What freedom!

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."