Things I have learnt from... car guards

On one of our local radio stations, they regularly ask people to message in their answers to a question they pose on a random topic. Yesterday the question was about car guards. Car guards are, I think, a uniquely South African thing.

They are people who guard cars from vandals, help with pushing your trolley and loading your shopping into your car, and try to direct you out of the parking bay as you reverse (usually standing in the way of the car and being a danger to themselves, in my experience) in exchange for whatever spare cash you may have. They may also offer a car washing service if they are particularly proactive. They are usually part of the informal sector - i.e. they appoint themselves - and some are not much more than glorified beggars. In the worst case scenarios, if you fail to tip them, they scratch your car as you drive away. Because of their nuisance factor, over the last decade or so many shopping centres have started appointing their own car guards, who have official bibs to identify them.

The radio station’s question was what people thought of car guards - were they offering a useful service, or were they just a nuisance? I was surprised that over 80% of those who called or messaged the studio were in favor of them. I have an intense dislike of them - not of any particular individual, just of having to be hassled by people whose services I neither desire nor need. I don’t know whether people who feel the way I do simply didn’t air their opinion, or whether that straw poll indicates that I am very much out of step with popular opinion, but it got me thinking about things.

I realized that it’s not just car guards that I dislike. I have a natural suspicion about people, bar a few circumstances. Sadly, I realized that my instinctual reaction to people is that they are out to get something from me, or to harm me in some way, so I walk around with a heightened background “noise” of suspicion, fear and anger towards others.

This is not how Jesus calls us to live - he calls us to love everyone - even our enemies. So how do I reconcile my seemingly innate reactions with this call on my life? I started by trying to determine why it is that I feel the way I do about people. I don’t know that I have a complete understanding yet, but I definitely found a few pointers.

Growing up under Apartheid, I imbibed the lie about the “swart gevaar”. Strangers, particularly those of colour (who, let’s be honest, are the only car guards I’ve seen). The lie is that “those people” ARE out to get me, and will not only steal from me at the first opportunity, but are also looking for ways to kill me. Of course, there is also the massive discrepancy between me, someone who HAS (a job, a car, a brick house that easily accommodates my family, sanitation and plumbing in said house, electricity, a university education, food in my cupboards/ fridge/ freezer), and those beggars and car guards, who are part of the populace of HAVE NOTS in the country. Faced with them on a daily basis is emotionally exhausting as I try to hold back my white guilt so that I’m not perpetually overwhelmed. Displaying anger (whether in tone of voice, or body/ facial language) is a pretty good way to make people keep their distance from you. Just don’t make eye contact....

I also have a strong reaction to adverts and salespeople - they really are out to get something from me. Somehow my assumption when anyone stops me (in the shopping centre, at the traffic lights, etc.) is that they are either a salesperson, or worse. I’m not sure where this comes from, but it’s a pretty strong reaction - even to print adverts, or adverts at the start of videos on YouTube, or in the side banners on social media. I think it’s a reaction to the feeling that I’m being manipulated in some way, because I’m generally quite ornery when I think I’m being manipulated or told what to think/ do/ feel.

Thinking back on just today, it occurred to me that working with teenagers is probably also a contributing factor. Teenagers are constantly pushing the boundaries, and can be very confrontational.  As I deal with a lot of discipline issues on a daily basis (I’m a grade head and manage the school’s discipline admin), I guess that I have become hardened and assume that any interaction I am going to have with a student is going to be one of confrontation, where I’m on the receiving end of a lot of aggression; not to mention that my assumption is always that I’m being lied to all the time, because much of the time I am being lied to.

Even knowing all of this, I think there is a deeper issue at play here though: selfishness. I have always been a selfish, greedy person. So, I suppose that my suspicion of others stems, ultimately, from my selfishness. I don’t want anyone else to take my stuff, or even get what might potentially be mine one day. While outwardly I applaud the success of others, inwardly my jealousy seethes - why them and not me? This is me at my ugliest, and most unsanctified. This is the person Jesus came to save and redeem. In his words - it’s not the healthy who need a doctor: it’s the sick!

I was sick and dying in my sin, in my selfishness, in my hatred and anger and fear, BUT JESUS stepped into history to save me. Thank God! That’s not to say that, now that I’m saved, I’m perfect or have everything sorted. Far from it! But at least now I have hope that as I grapple with the ugly side of me, I will find freedom. I will be set free from the worst of me. Not only is there grace to cover me, but there is love that will transform me, from one degree of glory to the next. Even as I identify the evil in my heart, already God has reached out to help me deal with it, if I will but grasp His hand. I doubt this is something that will be fixed overnight. Rather, I think this is part of an on-going conversation I’ll be having with God, and that the healing will be gradual.

Hope for the future

This past week we've seen floods in Durban, and continued drought and fire in Cape Town. Yet, despite all this, I am feeling remarkably positive.

Floods are no laughing matter - not for the people who have lost their lives, or family members; nor for those who have lost their homes or livelihoods. Yet, even in this bleak time, I did find cause to laugh - albeit it ruefully.

With Valedictory over, the matrics are gone, and work gets easier with the additional "free" time every day (time to catch up on admin and planning that I haven't got to yet). However, the fact that school ended early on Thursday meant I had time to come home and cook a roast dinner, with all the trimmings, a cake and a baked pudding. What a fantastic family meal we had! It made it feel like the weekend had started a day early.

Then, over the weekend I had time to do something creative (I started crocheting a new project), work in the garden and get it nearly ready for summer, do some school work (show me a teacher who doesn't do work over a weekend!), spend more time with family, help the kids with homework, catch up on some mending, do 2 loads of laundry, finish my book and relax with the dog. It has been a good weekend! (Of course, I'm still sick, so I really should have spent some time in bed... but who has time for that these days?!)

But that's not why I'm feeling positive either.

It's been a year since I realised that I was suffering from burn-out. It was a year ago that I made some changes in my life, and determined to look after myself a bit better. I resolved to:

spend time, daily, with God

get fit

spend time every week doing something creative

get a better life-work balance going

So how have I done?

Well, I am spending time daily with God. Not enough. (Not nearly enough!) And still not getting to journalling, which I really wanted to do. But at least I'm in the routine again. That's a massive step in the right direction.

Getting fit was always going to be a tough one. I had a hernia which gave me reflux every time I either bend down or crunched my tummy, or lay flat on the floor. So I had an op, which put me out of action for several weeks, which was followed (almost immediately) by glandular flu - which I'm still recovering from. But! I joined a gym closer to home, and (until my op) I was going regularly. Now I just need to get back into the routine (as soon as my energy levels recover and I get over this current cold).

Doing creative stuff has become a much bigger part of my life. I haven't been able to get to it every week, but I have done something creative every month. In reflection, once again I can draw a correlation between the amount of time I spend creatively and my overall sense of well-being. In weeks when I was doing nothing, I began to feel low, depressed and stressed again.

Work-life balance is an on-going struggle - not just for me, but for all of us, I think. I've been much better about it this year, though. I think, mainly, because I've been so ill. When you're in a lot of pain, or can't breathe properly, it's amazing how work seems less important, and other (more important) things take their rightful place. When you only have a set amount of energy to devote to the day, you have to prioritise where you're going to spend it. I've improved at learning to live with the unfinished, the delayed, the deferred and the deleted. It's been a rare night that I've actually done work at home (although I am still in the habit of bringing work home every night, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I will have the time, energy or inclination to do it). The down side to this is that the quality of my lessons has been poorer this year. I've still had to do work over weekends, I don't think I can ever escape the need to bring work home in this profession! So I'm doing better. Not where I'd like to be, but better.

But none of this is why I'm feeling so positive right now.

I had a conversation with my dad the other day, in which he positively pleaded with us to leave the country and emigrate, anywhere; just to get out of SA before it all falls apart. He admitted that he's thinking seriously about going, because he just has no hope of things even remaining as they are, let alone improving. And in that moment I suddenly realised afresh why it is that I feel so positive.

I have hope.

I have hope because of Jesus.

I have hope because He is.

I have hope because He is hope.

I have hope because He is the hope of South Africa and the world.

The best and safest place to be is in the centre of God's will. If His will puts me in Cape Town, or South Africa, for the rest of my life, then that's the best and safest place to be.

As bleak as things are, and they are - no doubt! But as bleak as they are, I can trust in One who holds the world in His hands, who will provide for me and for my children, who will help us weather any storms that come our way. Does this mean we will have everything we want? No. Does it mean life will be easy? No. Does it mean we will be immune to retrenchments, or hunger? No.

But in the midst of those struggles we will have life, and life in all abundance.

This is the difference that faith in Jesus makes for me. I can look at a world that lies in darkness, where evil flourishes and goodness seems absent, because I have hope for a better future, a glorious future, a heavenly future.

I have hope, because I have Jesus.

Corruption in SA

On Sunday we have a routine: while the kids nap, we lie in bed and read the paper. I love it.

Except that, of late, I have felt demoralized after reading the paper...

The more I read, the more evidence and accusations about corruption (particularly in SA) I see. In this weekend's edition, there is the story about the price-fixing by 5 major construction companies, which involves the tenders for such large structures as the Cape Town stadium in Greenpoint. There's the story about the transport minister who allegedly owes more than a million Rand in unpaid rent for his home. In my own experience there is the issue of how the DBE can spend R12000 to centrally procure a basic laptop for a Dineledi school, when everyone knows they only cost about R4000. (Who, I have to ask, is getting the kick-back?)

Following the Arab Spring, this year's elections in north African countries have seen the youth disillusioned and uninterested, and therefore disenfranchised. Why? Because their attempt to overthrow the corrupt government has fallen on deaf ears, and has seen little real progress. 

Right now, there are huge protests in Brazil, again by the youth, regarding the corruption in government. They've called a major strike across the nation, in all sectors, for tomorrow.

The USA has been seen to be spying on its own people, according to the whistleblower Snowden, twisting laws to be ale to essentially do whatever they like semi-legally. Of course, that smacks of President Zuma's trick of declaring the report about the R20-odd million he has spent on upgrading Nkandla top secret to avoid having to face public scrutiny.

Or what about the police, who are allegedly so corrupt they stop innocent people deliberately in the hopes that they will be offered bribes? How can a nation that is so corrupt at its core ever hope to improve or move forward?

Everywhere I turn, I see corruption, corruption, and more corruption.

On the one hand, I feel I ought to be pleased that it is being exposed, that the media is doing its job in telling the public about these atrocities, and about how politicians and government are misbehaving. Maybe we're hearing abut it more because the media is doing its job better, or because more people are reporting it. Either way, that's got to be a good thing, right? You can't solve a problem you are unaware of.

On the other hand, maybe we're hearing about it more because there is simply more of it. Maybe that too is a feature of there simply being more people in the world now. Governments have always been corrupt, but with there being more people in the world, and more government officials, there is more corruption. 

Whatever the truth, whether there is more corruption, or whether the reporting on corruption is more efficient, I find it demoralizing.

With Mandela basically being on his death bed, as a nation we have been reflecting on his work, and on his person, and have been reminded about being a person of virtue, of integrity, no matter the personal cost. 

How long will we stand by and watch corruption steal the heart of this nation? At what point will we become so incensed with corruption that we take action? Is there a time coming when SA will rise to its feet and protest these gross injustices? And if we do, will that achieve anything? Looking at the Arab Spring protests - what have they really accomplished as far as corruption is concerned? 

Looking back at our own Spring - at the history of the new SA, when freedom was won for all South Africans - we supposedly voted in a government that fought for integrity and ethics, for human rights and freedom for all. That very same government is now shot through with corruption. It steals from its own people in the way that the Apartheid government stole from them - starting with stealing money from the education coffers and thereby denying its own people a chance at improving their own lives.

So, where to from here? With Mandela on his way out, who will stand as the icon of this nation's soul? Who will be the voice that calls us to account? Tutu? Zille? Is there anyone who can stand as the model of who we should be as individuals, and how we should live our lives?

I believe there is only One. Only One to whom we can, and should, be looking. Seeing with eyes not covered by the grace of salvation, with carnal eyes, I become demoralized and hopeless when looking at the world around me. But when I look with eyes covered by grace, eyes that are spiritual, covered by the blood of the One who came to set us free from the corruption that eats into all of our souls, then I see with hope. Then, even as I see all the corruption around me, I do not fall into despair. Instead, I see opportunities for prayer, opportunities for me to bring the freedom Jesus offers into the lives of individuals and organizations.

It seems overwhelming. There is SO MUCH corruption... Where do I begin? How do I begin? While movements like LeadSA are fantastic, and I applaud and support them, they rely on human strength to succeed. No good movement will ever succeed on is own, because human nature is fundamentally flawed, and poisoned, and corrupt. 

It begins, I believe, with self-leadership. I have to model integrity before I can expect others to demonstrate it. I have to overcome the corruption in my own soul first. This, of course, is impossible. That's why there are constantly new self-help books on the market, and new fad religions. People continue to seek truth because they cannot, in their own strength, truly overcome the evil within. 

But there is One who has already done it; One who has already overcome; One who is already pure. What's more, this One has offered to give me that purity, that integrity, that self-leadership - for free. no strings attached. No catches. 

This, I believe, is truly where the battle over corruption will be won: not in new organizational structures, or new organizational procedures, not in a constant calling to account, not in whistle-blowing, not in protests on the streets (although all of those are valuable and necessary). No, I believe it will be won in the quiet revolution inside the individual hearts of men and women who truly encounter Jesus.