Time to say goodbye

Yesterday we euthanased one of our dogs. It was a particularly heart-wrenching experience because it was the first time our kids lost a pet. Navigating their first experience of loss, and grief, was also a first for us - helping them to know what to expect from the experience while trying to manage our own grief was tricky at times - trying to figure out when to hold it together and when to reveal or own pain....

But I think my lasting lesson will be my son's unwillingness to accept this. Right the way through he refused to give consent to the process. Even after she had died he kept saying that her dying was not okay, should not be happening, was not what he wanted, was not the best option, had to be stopped.

To an extent he is absolutely right. While death may be a part of life, it is not natural, and we all feel that instinctively. Death was never a part of creation until Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit.  Only once sin entered the world did God speak of death as a part of the penalty.  Instinctively we know that death is unnatural and instinctively we rail against it. My son's heart cries were holiness in action - a cry against the effects of sin and a plea for God to restore and heal that which is irrevocably broken.

Our hearts long for that day when death will be no more. But till that day, we are left with the pain of having to say goodbye, of having to live with the absence of the other. I have no answers as to whether or not our pets will be raised to life again, of whether or not we will see them again. It's hard to accept that when our fur babies die they are truly gone forever.

Thank God, though, we don't grieve as those without hope when it comes to people! Thank God I know where those I love, who also love God, will be and that we will be together again on that day when death is no more! (And how great the tragedy when those I love do not love God - but that is a topic for another day...)

Value added

I recently attended the Global Leadership Summit, but via videocast here at home. There were lots of take-home points for me, but I'll share one with you now.

How can you add value to other people's lives?

I was struck by this simple idea - starting every day by thinking and praying through all the meetings I would have, people whose lives I would touch in some way, and thinking about ways I could add value to their lives. (Obviously, the point is then to act on whatever you have thought about!)

Since then, I have made this our nightly opening question at the dinner table. How did you add value today?

Some days it has been easy to answer. Other days, it has been nigh on impossible to think of how I have added value. Whatever the outcome though, I have found the process of reflection eye-opening. I'm not so good with starting the day with reflection, and planning ways I might add value. That's something I am working on though. However, the nightly reflection is starting to affect my daily routines.

Today, instead of giving up on a particularly difficult student who messed up yet again (which is what my natural inclination was), I found myself able to reflect in the moment on my own behaviour and choose a different response that would be more helpful to the student. I found myself able to engage in conversation that, I hope, added value. For me, that's quite a milestone.

One of the secrets of adding value is that it doesn't have to be focussed on evangelism and eternal destinies. Opening a door for someone, smiling at someone, making someone feel seen or heard or loved or appreciated - these all add value. Of course, the ultimate value we can add is to help others to make the choice to step over the line of faith, so I'm not discounting that;

But I have found such freedom in thinking about how to add value to the cashier, or waiter, or petrol pump attendant I come across during my week. Of course, Bill Hybels talks about this same concept (albeit using different words) in his book 'Walk across the room', which is about personal evangelism. I know that for some people this stuff is 2nd nature, and I know that this is stuff I have known about before, but for some reason, at this stage and season of my life and walk with God, this concept has become totally fresh for me; revelatory, in fact.

So I challenge you - how are you adding value to those around you (not just your friends and family, although you should add value to their lives as well!) on a daily basis? And how can you get better at this?

2010

I can't believe that 2010 has arrived. Finally.

Looking back over 2009, it's been a huge year for us: renovating our house and moving into it, and Nathan's birth (and being on maternity leave putting us in serious financial difficulty).

Graeme and I are both exhausted - phyiscally and emotionally. We couldn't go away for a holiday this Christmas, and we're feeling it now. We need to be kid-free for a day or two to rest and get some sleep, but that's not going to happen so I guess we just bite the bullet and get on with it.

Financially it's been a really tough year, with massive credit card debt as a consequence. We've just about cleared the debt though, so by the end of January we should be back on track, I hope.

The house still has lots of small things that need to get finished off after our renovations, but we're just too tired to do them ourselves, and too broke to hire someone to do them. I've been in the garden a heck of a lot these holidays, trying to reconstruct our front garden. I'm getting there, but it's a very, very, very laborious process. My back is very sore from digging up grass.(NEVER plant grass unless you're ABSOLUTELY SURE you will NEVER need to take it out again... particularly kikuyu.) My hands are blistered and scratched and I've removed countless thorns...

However, as tired as I am, and as old as I feel, there is much to give thanks for from 2009:

• We formally joined a church community.
• We have a wonderful house (even if it is cluttered and doesn't look very "grown up").
• Nathan was born alive and well, and is growing beautifully.
• Nellie is growing into an incredible little girl.
• We are surrounded by family who love us.

My hopes and dreams for 2010?

1) I want to be more organised, so that I can have more time with Graeme and my kids.
2) I want to drop down at least half a dress size, but preferably a full dress size. This will involve more effort than I'm keen on giving, but if I want to stop feeling so negative about myself, then I'm going to have to do something significant about it.
3) I want to start having regular times with God again, as opposed to the ad hoc, sporadic meetings we're having at the moment.
4) I want to start giving back to the community in service in some way.

I'm looking forward to this year, but at the same time, part of me is already sighing because work is always so busy and I'm already tired. Two things that would really help? If my mother moved back this side of the boerwors curtain and if my kids' nanny learnt to drive. So, inbetween trying to reorganise my schedule to include exercise classes and other exercise, and the usual manic-ness of the first term, I'm going to try to help my nanny get her learner's and then teach her to drive. At least that's something I CAN do something about!

May 2010 be a good year for all of you. May this year give you what you need, rather than what you want. May it teach you the true priorities in life and give you the skills/ ability to put first things first and to priortise the important over the urgent.

If you hear less of me this year, it will be because I'm trying to do just that - to prioritise my kids and my family over my love of web 2.0 stuff. As much as I love you guys, and as much as I love this place and space, my kids are only little and small once. Love to you all.

The power of networking

Yesterday my chess kids played a match against a school in Athlone. (Athlone is a mainly coloured area (mixed race) from a working class background, so definitely has a poorer socio-economic feel to it.) I was initially surprised to discover that it was the principal of this school who was their chess master, but then thought of our own principal who is the golfing master at our school.

Before too long, the Athlone principal and I started talking shop. He told me that he's teaching the matrics Life Orientation (a non-credit course that all kids in SA have to take throughout their school career, which teaches them a variety of things, from dealing with HIV, to life skills, to forcing them to take part in some form of Phys. Ed., to dealing with bullying, etc, etc). He's not a qualified LO teacher, but there is no-one else. He described to me how it has been an eye-opener for him, from the perspective of getting to grips with what his colleagues go through on a daily basis because of the government's efforts to improve education for all.

I told him about my experiences teaching in London, and why I was thrilled to be teaching back in SA. He asked what I thought caused the problems in the UK, and what I thought of the system here at home. I guess the ultimate problem is that, in an effort to raise the game of those who are weak/ poor/ ineffective, the government has legislated how education should take place. While I understand the thinking behind this measure, it has only really served to demotivate the good teachers. Instead of providing opportunities for mentoring and sharing best practice, the government has piled on a lot of administrative tasks that sap time, energy and creativity. Those who are good/ strong/ effective teachers are managing to keep their heads above water, but only just. Those who aren't, are getting drowned.

One solution, I think, would be to increase the teacher: pupil ratio, not by much, but by a little. This would allow teachers to have one extra free (non-contact) lesson per cycle, which could be used for the purposes of mentoring and sharing best practice - not only with teachers in their own school, but in other schools. Developing a culture of going to observe other teachers (both good and bad) and having proper time for feedback would go a lot further, I think, to helping develop teachers professionally, than having to sit behind your desk filling in reams of paperwork!

A result of this increased control and legislation is, I think, the increasingly poor regard in which teachers are held. We are becoming paper pushers, rather than true educators. You don't need a degree to be a paper pusher. You need a degree to think of creative means to educate a wide variety of children. The result of that is that, between the number of teachers dying due to AIDS and the number leaving the country to find employment in countries that value their teachers, and those who would rather DIE than take on a career which doesn't recognise or reward its members, we are fast running out of teachers in South Africa.

At our school, we are trying to tackle this poor regard that teachers are held in. One of our student leadership bodies came up with the idea of promoting teaching by interviewing our teachers about why they entered the profession and why they remain in the profession. These interviews are then typed up onto colourful posters and displayed around the school. I think it's a great idea!

I was telling the Athlone principal about this idea, and he looked at me with wonder. Firstly, I think he was impressed that we have student leadership bodies that actually contribute positively to the school. Secondly, I think he was dumb-struck by the idea, and from the look on his face, I have no doubt that he will be doing the same thing soon.

Sadly, he then told me that of his 29 teachers (with 800-odd kids at the school), only 3 would be suitable for interview - the rest are only doing the job until they can find something better to do. They are itching to get out. This picture is a common one across South African schools. Tertiary institutions have more bursaries to hand out than there are applicants, but there simply aren't the applicants. For Sciences (bio and chem/phys) there were only about a dozen applicants at my university in the year I applied, and that was in 1998. There are even fewer now, and all the dedicated teaching colleges have been closed.

Until teachers are promoted nationally by paying them a decent salary, requiring a certain level of prior education (do you know that in some countries you cannot even apply to be trained as a teacher unless you have a Masters degree???), and acknowledging that we have one of the most important jobs in the country, this picture will only continue to deteriorate.

What is even sadder is that South Africa spends more of its annual budget (percentage-wise) on education than most other countries around the world. I don't think it's that the government doesn't WANT to pay us more, but it's that there simply isn't the money to - we are already stretched to capacity as it is. HIV/ AIDS will only make things worse.

All round, it is a very bleak future for education in SA. Yet, I left that chess match feeling oddly buoyed. What struck me is that despite everything, I can make a difference. Not only am I making a difference to the lives of the kids I teach, but every time I network with other teachers through the extra-mural stuff I do, through meetings and courses I attend, I have the power to pass on something I have learnt, or to learn something from someone else. Every time that happens, the teaching profession is strengthened.

So I left the chess match with hope - hope that things at that Athlone school will change - albeit very slightly. Maybe the other teachers will read those 3 interviews and begin to think about their own experiences, and maybe one will change his/ her mind about leaving. Maybe a few children will read those 3 interviews and decide to become teachers. Maybe a parent will read those interviews, and talk about it to a friend at church or mosque, and maybe the grapevine will begin to spread the good news about teaching.

Someone once told me that only one tiny candle is needed to stop the darkness. Only one. That's the power of networking!

RENT

So the school is currently running it's annual cabaret. And of course, I'm involved in the staff item - a raunchy little song by Tom Jones - in which I get to leave my hat on....

But tonight, after my little performance, on my way home in the car I found myself singing one of the other numbers: a song from RENT called 'Seasons Of Love'. (Rent is a musical based upon La Boheme but altered to reflect the life of starving, HIV positive artists in New York's East Village.) I had one of those epiphany moments. I've been singing this song for days now, but only tonight did the words penetrate to my heart.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee,
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.

Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried,
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out, tho' the story never ends.
Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.

Seasons of love!
Seasons of love.

Oh you got to remember the love,
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love, spread love
Measure, measure your life in love.

It's nearly a year since Zoe died. How have I measured that year? How have I measured Zoe's life? How have I measured mine? In part, I know I've counted the 'five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes', I've definitely measured it in strife. But is that all? When I look back over the last year, do I, as these HIV positive artist characters enjoin me to do, measure my life, Zoe's life and this year in love?