Things I have learnt from... car guards

On one of our local radio stations, they regularly ask people to message in their answers to a question they pose on a random topic. Yesterday the question was about car guards. Car guards are, I think, a uniquely South African thing.

They are people who guard cars from vandals, help with pushing your trolley and loading your shopping into your car, and try to direct you out of the parking bay as you reverse (usually standing in the way of the car and being a danger to themselves, in my experience) in exchange for whatever spare cash you may have. They may also offer a car washing service if they are particularly proactive. They are usually part of the informal sector - i.e. they appoint themselves - and some are not much more than glorified beggars. In the worst case scenarios, if you fail to tip them, they scratch your car as you drive away. Because of their nuisance factor, over the last decade or so many shopping centres have started appointing their own car guards, who have official bibs to identify them.

The radio station’s question was what people thought of car guards - were they offering a useful service, or were they just a nuisance? I was surprised that over 80% of those who called or messaged the studio were in favor of them. I have an intense dislike of them - not of any particular individual, just of having to be hassled by people whose services I neither desire nor need. I don’t know whether people who feel the way I do simply didn’t air their opinion, or whether that straw poll indicates that I am very much out of step with popular opinion, but it got me thinking about things.

I realized that it’s not just car guards that I dislike. I have a natural suspicion about people, bar a few circumstances. Sadly, I realized that my instinctual reaction to people is that they are out to get something from me, or to harm me in some way, so I walk around with a heightened background “noise” of suspicion, fear and anger towards others.

This is not how Jesus calls us to live - he calls us to love everyone - even our enemies. So how do I reconcile my seemingly innate reactions with this call on my life? I started by trying to determine why it is that I feel the way I do about people. I don’t know that I have a complete understanding yet, but I definitely found a few pointers.

Growing up under Apartheid, I imbibed the lie about the “swart gevaar”. Strangers, particularly those of colour (who, let’s be honest, are the only car guards I’ve seen). The lie is that “those people” ARE out to get me, and will not only steal from me at the first opportunity, but are also looking for ways to kill me. Of course, there is also the massive discrepancy between me, someone who HAS (a job, a car, a brick house that easily accommodates my family, sanitation and plumbing in said house, electricity, a university education, food in my cupboards/ fridge/ freezer), and those beggars and car guards, who are part of the populace of HAVE NOTS in the country. Faced with them on a daily basis is emotionally exhausting as I try to hold back my white guilt so that I’m not perpetually overwhelmed. Displaying anger (whether in tone of voice, or body/ facial language) is a pretty good way to make people keep their distance from you. Just don’t make eye contact....

I also have a strong reaction to adverts and salespeople - they really are out to get something from me. Somehow my assumption when anyone stops me (in the shopping centre, at the traffic lights, etc.) is that they are either a salesperson, or worse. I’m not sure where this comes from, but it’s a pretty strong reaction - even to print adverts, or adverts at the start of videos on YouTube, or in the side banners on social media. I think it’s a reaction to the feeling that I’m being manipulated in some way, because I’m generally quite ornery when I think I’m being manipulated or told what to think/ do/ feel.

Thinking back on just today, it occurred to me that working with teenagers is probably also a contributing factor. Teenagers are constantly pushing the boundaries, and can be very confrontational.  As I deal with a lot of discipline issues on a daily basis (I’m a grade head and manage the school’s discipline admin), I guess that I have become hardened and assume that any interaction I am going to have with a student is going to be one of confrontation, where I’m on the receiving end of a lot of aggression; not to mention that my assumption is always that I’m being lied to all the time, because much of the time I am being lied to.

Even knowing all of this, I think there is a deeper issue at play here though: selfishness. I have always been a selfish, greedy person. So, I suppose that my suspicion of others stems, ultimately, from my selfishness. I don’t want anyone else to take my stuff, or even get what might potentially be mine one day. While outwardly I applaud the success of others, inwardly my jealousy seethes - why them and not me? This is me at my ugliest, and most unsanctified. This is the person Jesus came to save and redeem. In his words - it’s not the healthy who need a doctor: it’s the sick!

I was sick and dying in my sin, in my selfishness, in my hatred and anger and fear, BUT JESUS stepped into history to save me. Thank God! That’s not to say that, now that I’m saved, I’m perfect or have everything sorted. Far from it! But at least now I have hope that as I grapple with the ugly side of me, I will find freedom. I will be set free from the worst of me. Not only is there grace to cover me, but there is love that will transform me, from one degree of glory to the next. Even as I identify the evil in my heart, already God has reached out to help me deal with it, if I will but grasp His hand. I doubt this is something that will be fixed overnight. Rather, I think this is part of an on-going conversation I’ll be having with God, and that the healing will be gradual.

Which way now?

I think I must be having a mid-life crisis. Or something. I've been feeling for a while now that I need a change of scenery. I've been praying about it, but my problem is that I don't really trust myself to hear God correctly.

Why? Well, that's a long story.  Let's just say that once upon a time I thought I heard God tell me something really, really, super big, and lots of people agreed with me. Several months down the line though, I found out I had heard wrong ... or maybe I just got the timing wrong ... or maybe the point was for me to walk the road but it had never been God's intention for me to reach the destination. Whatever the reason, not reaching the destination nearly killed me (metaphorically speaking, that is). So now I don't trust that I can hear God correctly.

Which is a big bummer, because I (along with all followers of the Way) am called to a life of faith. That means regularly talking and listening to God, hearing from Him where to go and what to do or say, and then doing/ saying that.

But back to my story. I've been praying and trying to listen, but I'm not sure that what I'm hearing is from God.  It could just be my heart's voice, telling me what I want to hear.

Anyway, I decided to push on the door, as they say, to test the waters... Maybe find some new scenery. Not just one door either - three doors. I am hoping that two of them won't open, leaving one which (I hoped) is the one I am supposed to walk through.

But, whether it is Murphy's Law, or God at work, or just that phenomenon that when you have made a decision you suddenly have second thoughts, I suddenly find myself feeling that I love my current scenery and don't want to leave. My emotions are so fickle!

There's that kid suffering with depression who has connected with me, and that other kid who treats me as her mother, or that other kid who just loves me and showers me with tokens of appreciation, or that other kid that I think I've finally got through to, or that class that I've finally won over, or that other class I have such fun with, or that staff member I love connecting with, or those incredibly talented kids who make me so proud when they choose to shine... there are lots of reasons to love my current scenery.

But there are reasons to leave too... I don't want to go into them here, but they are pretty heavy. On bad days, they are all I see.

So how do I really discern what God is saying? Should I stay, or go? How do I remove my fickle emotions from the equation and just listen to God? How can I be sure about which way to go?

I'm praying that once I've pushed on all 3 doors one will swing wide open, while the other 2 will stay closed. I'm hoping it will be that obvious.

I want to make the best decision here, not for me, but for God's kingdom. I want to get the direction right. Everything else is just details.

But there's this annoying small voice in my head telling me that, probably, this time God expects me to listen to the subtle, still voice and trust that I'm hearing right. Scary stuff!! What if I get it wrong again? I don't want to miss God's best because I made the wrong choice.

I wish I had a fleece to throw outside overnight... you know... a bargaining tool with God, to test the waters. (Oh wait.. actually, I have two!! Dare I use one in that way???)

It's pointless asking for people's opinions, because sometimes God asks us to do the most seemingly ridiculous thing (like God becoming human - who would ever have predicted that?), the thing everyone warns us against (like Jesus going to Jerusalem when his disciples told him he would die if he went), or the thing we really don't want to (like Jesus asking the Father to give him a way out from the cross).

That's what I would love. I would love for someone else to just tell me what to do. That would be the easy way. But since when does God ever take the easy option? The wide road leads to death. The narrow road leads to life.

So here I am again... in a place of humbly waiting on God. Which I guess is the whole point. Which way now? I still don't know, but I'm trusting that God does, and that in his time he will tell me.

In South Africa??

Returning to SA I've found myself doing my old thing of being super aware of people around me. It's a learnt response to the threat of theft or mugging or hijacking. That's not to say that there is a massive threat (I don't think it's much worse than in London, for example), but that by being aware you can prevent a lot of stuff from happening to you. Anyway, today, stopped at the traffic light (robot, to Saffas) I saw the most amazing thing!

At most traffic lights, there is a range of services available to you - hawkers selling everything under the sun, people washing your windscreen, etc. So as I pulled up, I saw the car in the adjacent lane was having its windscreen washed. And then... the driver asked the window washer to open his boot and pass him his sweat-shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we say in SA - slaan my dood! Blow me down with a feather! I did a double-take. At first, I thought I was watching a robbery in action, then I realised that the driver had requested this action. I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe that a) he'd been driving around with his boot open if there was stuff in it; b) that he'd asked someone to rummage in there for him; c) that the guy had done as asked without taking anything else out (pickpocketing is a major problem in SA)! I just couldn't believe it.

And then I found myself wondering at my own attitude. Isn't it sad that my attitude is one that expects the worst? Isn't it sad that crime in cities is so bad that my attitude is warranted?! As the lights changed, I drove off in a daze, and even now I'm not sure what to make of what I saw. I don't know whether to be pleased that there are still people in this city who trust others to that extent (and therefore be encouraged and hopeful for our future) or bemused at one very stupid and naive individual. I never thought I would see something like that in SA in this day and age!