Right now there are so many different themes running through my brain, all fighting for time to be thought through properly. I'm not sure which is more important, or which to really stop and think about first.
I'm struggling with other people's babies again at the moment. I've been fine for absolute weeks, but over the past few days I've felt that scratchy feeling again whenever I see other babies. At first, it's so much a part of the background I don't notice it, but as it grows in strength, it becomes un-ignorable. The worst part is that it isn't even the other babies I'm having a reaction to - it's that I want one and can't have one for a very long time. No, actually, that isn't even it, not really. What it's really about is that someone else has a baby and my baby is gone, and I'm as green as new spring grass. And it's pointless bemoaning how unfair it all is, because that only leads to one place, and I REALLY don't want to go there again. I'm just busy getting pulled out of this hole; I really don't want to fall in again.
Which brings me to the second theme - church. I wasn't able to get to church on Sunday because my family arranged a big family supper. It was lovely, as we haven't all seen each other for weeks and weeks. It was important for me to be there though, to meet one of my dad's best friends in the world, who is also dying of cancer. It was important to tell my dad, in the presence of this friend, how much I love him, to remind him that his (my dad's) life is not over.
(This friend is my dad's 2nd friend to be diagnosed with terminal cancer in a period of 2 weeks. Needless to say, my dad is feeling horrendous and is convinced that his number will be up very shortly too - for those who are new readers to the blog, you may not be aware that my dad had cancer in 2002/3, and not only does his type of cancer recur in 2 out of 3 cases, but should it recur, my dad has already decided not to fight it.)
But it meant that I wasn't at church, and right now I really, really need to be in church every week. I really, really need to connect with God, and right now church is one of the very few places I can do that. So I'm cross that I didn't get to go, and disappointed that I missed out, and frustrated that it's another whole week until church.
Which brings me to the 3rd theme... connecting with God. I am more than slightly in awe of Christian friends who have babies and manage to keep their spiritual lives on track. In fact, I'm just in awe of all Christians who are able to make time in their days to spend alone with God. I know that things are more complicated for me because of the last few years and the significant events that have shaken my entire understanding of God. I know that I have very large trust issues with God at the moment.
A friend recently commented on her blog about her experience of reading 'Hearing God' by Dallas Willard. That's a book I read a long, long time ago, and loved. And I'm sure that if I read it again, I would love it even more. While I firmly believe God speaks (just read my previous post from last weekend as a case in point!), I have serious doubts now about my ability to hear him, which rather puts a damper on the whole relationship.
The thing is, last weekend I KNEW God's voice. I knew it. But then I wasn't asking God for anything. I wasn't asking him to direct me. I wasn't asking for any specific words or pictures, or even asking him to explain a passage of Scripture to me, or to speak to me through his word. I was at rock bottom, simply calling out for him to save me.
As any psychologist worth their salt will tell you: intense, life-defining moments do not a relationship make. Just because you can talk to someone in a crisis does not mean the every-day relationship will be any different. And that's my experience.
I believe God is in the process of saving me - of pulling me out of the hole I'm in. He's done it before on several occasions, so I'm convinced he'll do it again. I believe I'm too valuable to him for him to give up on me just yet. But at the same time, I can't picture things ever being any different to what they are now.
I guess that's it - the balance between the urgent and the important. Dealing with a toddler who insists that Mommy feed/ bathe/ read stories to/ dress/ play with her (NOT YOU, DADDY!) is rather urgent (as well as important). Getting to work on time and taking care of my responsiblities there is important, while meeting my deadlines is rather urgent. Exercise is vitally important and urgent - I have 4 months in which to reach my goal (I've already lost 2 cms! Yay! Only another 8 to go.).. I could go on. Everything on my daily 'to do/ be' list is important and/or urgent. But what about time for me and God?
If I'm honest, I have to say that I'm scared. I'm scared of the time and effort it will take to get a "decent" level of intimacy back with God. I barely have time for my relationship with Graeme, how on earth am I going to squeeze time in for God? And I'm scared of what God is going to ask of me - the priorities he will want me to change, the things he will want me to do, the way he will break my heart again. My heart is saying that every time I've really trusted God over the past few years he has torn my world apart, and every time he's done that it's been worse than the time before. I'm not sure how much more tearing apart my world and my heart can take.
And yet, the longing is there. Once, I believed passionately, completely, without question. From the other side of these paradigm shifts I've been having, I don't know how to balance my heart's desire for more of God with the cost that discipleship will demand. I don't know whether I'm really willing to pay whatever cost God will (and already has) ask(ed) of me.
Now I have an hour or so before bed. I need to put in my half hour exercise and have a shower. I want to sit down and talk to Graeme, whom I haven't spoken to yet all day and who is feeling really sick, so is in need of lots of TLC. Where is the time for God and me? As I said, I don't ever see a way of things being any different to what they are now. "It would take a miracle." (Let's see who gets the quote.)
6 comments:
Have you ever been born again? This may be the key to all your misunderstanding of who God is and what He wants from you. It is so sad to read about your confusion. Sorry if this upsets you, but you must be born again to have a relationship with Him.
Anonymous - I don't take offence.
In answer to your question: yes, I have. And I've been filled with the Holy Spirit. And I've experienced the blessing of ministering to others through the gifts the Spirit gave me. I've had the privilege of seeing people I've prayed for being physically healed, as well as set free from all sorts of bondage. Trust me - none of that is the issue.
The issue is that the brand of Christianity prevalent in the western world does not take account of the very real question of pain. So now I'm trying to figure out how the gospel REALLY works, rather than the airy-fairy, 'health and wealth' prosperity gospel almost every church preaches (most without even realising it).
One last comment... Although I take absolutely no offence to your question, I do take offence to the fact that you have posted anonymously.
I am as open and honest as I can be about my questions and struggles because I think it's ridiculous that we Christians pretend to the rest of the world that we don't have real issues or real questions or real struggles. However, I am prepared to stand up for Christ, because there is no other name given under heaven by which a man (or woman) may be saved. I am prepared to sign my name by what I write. Are you?
Hello Nicole. I intentionally remained anonymous because I wanted you to prayerfully consider my comment without the prejudice attached to a name or a person. Surely you know that your blog is in the public domain, and thus can attract anyone's attention and comment.
The issues of grief and pain that you are struggling with are numerous throughout the Bible. When reading your blog a passage of scripture comes to mind...1Thess 4:13 "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope."
Please read 2Samuel 6:1-7. It tells us something very important about God's character - what are your thoughts? The issue may be that you are approaching God on your terms and not His.
Indeed the modern church has lost its first love, as prophesied in Revelation 3:14-21. It would help you to diligently seek a church that does not have a reformed theological bias and does not have a prosperity gospel.
Romans 8:28-29 and 1Peter 5:7 reveal His love for you. God's invitation for you to work with Him (according to His purpose)always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action. Yours in Christ.
P.S.I don't think it is important that my name is attached as these truths are God's Word and not mine.
Hi Anonymous
Several people have used the 'Anonymous' facility because they've had problems with Blogger. That is the only reason I continue to allow anonymous postings. However, they have had the courtesy to add their names in their post. Your reason for your initial anonymous posting was a valid one, but I wish you'd said that up front.
Your comments reveal that you are not a regular reader of my blog, because you are clearly confused about how I see the issue.
The issue is NOT that I will never see Zoe again. I have no doubt about that fact. In point of fact, that very hope is what often keeps me going when I feel absolutely miserable. I know that I will see her again.
The issue is not even just about losing Zoe. Losing her was just ONE in a SEQUENCE of events over the past 3 years in which I have felt God abandoned me and deliberately misled me despite my constant obedience and submission to him.
(There is the possibility I wasn't as submitted as I thought, but since many of these events happened under the authority of several others over me, and they also feel I was submitted, I feel I can say that I was.)
As C.S. Lewis put it, the problem of pain indicates that either God is not all-powerful, or he is not all-loving. I believe the Bible speaks truth when it states that God is both, at the same time. Yet, that belief stands opposed to my own experience (and the experienec of many, many saints who have walked this road before me) of him over the past few years.
Since I know that God is not merely an academic, but relates to us as whole people (which means as emotional and physical beings) it is important that I reconcile this issue of my experience to the truths in Scripture. At present, I am unable to do so, and THIS is the issue.
As regards the Samuel passage: in the OT there was only one who could come directly into the presence of the Lord, and only once a year, and even then there was no guarantee that God wouldn't kill him. (That is why he had a rope tied to his ankle, so that should he be killed, he could be dragged out of the Holy of Holies without anyone else having to go into it.) While I suppose I am shocked at God's actions, I can rationalise them. He is holy; Uzzah was not. Unholiness cannot touch holiness.
The NT sees the curtain to the Holy of Holies being torn. The way to the Father is now open to all because of Jesus' work on the cross. God is still holy, but now we are covered by Jesus' holiness while we are being made holy ourselves, so that we may enter into God's presence and touch him, without fear of death.
And I'm afraid I have to disagree with you once again. What you typed were your words, not God's. Quoting Scripture is not the same thing as speaking God's words - Satan can also quote Scripture, usually out of context or twisted in some way. That doesn't make what he says God's words! Quite the opposite, it's an abuse of God's words. I'm not suggesting that what you said was an abuse, so please don't misunderstand me. I am merely pointing out that they are your own words.
Therefore, unless you are prepared to name yourself, I'm afraid that I will not publish your comments again.
Hey Nix. I was moved by what you wrote on your blogsite and wanted to reach out to you. When I opened the comment page I was really saddened by the harsh and superior tone of annonymous. I pray that God will filter out any hurtful and judgemental words that this person (and others including me) has written to you. In fact what I felt God put on my heart for you is that He ADORES you - right now...when you feel you are not getting everything right in terms of priorities, when you have legitimate questions...in the mess of trying to find solid ground after losing your child - in all of this HE ADORES you.
I felt all he is asking of you is to keep your heart open - He IS reaching out to you (your post about how He touched your heart at church confirms this). Wait on him - expectant waiting. So when you are bathing J or driving to schoo, or washing the dishes just be conscious that you are waiting for him. It is HIS initiative. It is His work in you. We are all helpless and weak - it is His grace to reach out to us. He will give you the small manageable steps that He expects from you - do that and only that. Not what others expect or what traditional christian teaching tells us we should be doing to have a healthy spiritual walk. Just do what he prompts in your heart to do. His burden is light.
Your heart is vulnerable and still hurting so be gentle on yourself in terms of expectations. Often people quote the verse BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Craig read an amazing version this that says CEASE STRIVING AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I am learning that the CEASE STRIVING even applies to my wanting to find connection with God. You are so so so so precious to HIM to me and to many others. Thanks for sharing so openly and vulnerably on your blog. I hope what I have written makes sense because it has just flowed out of me...
Jax
Hey Jax - Thanks for your encouragement!
I have no doubt that God has no plans to let me go, so I know it's just a matter of time before he sorts me out - I have every hope and confidence in that.
At times though, the waiting does get very hard, and things look very bleak, and I wonder what on earth God is up to, cos it seems like things will never change. Your support, and that of others who are true friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ, has sustained me, and continues to do so, in those difficult times.
So thank you! It means the world to me that you hang in there with me, through this whole ordeal.
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