Janel is well into the terrible twos. At the drop of a hat she will launch into a tantrum, which will be loud, and often violent.
After the two long weekends in a row that we had here in SA, she was particularly distraught to have to go back to nursery on Monday, and her behaviour since then has been horrible. We've fought about everything.... brushing hair/ teeth, getting dressed, getting undressed, eating, drinking, getting into the car, locking the house up, watching TV, reading books, playing games, the parent who does all of this stuff (me vs Graeme)... the list is endless!
Yesterday was no exception. After having several fights with her between picking her up from nursery and getting home (we went shopping first), she had the mother of all tantrums on our final leg home. She kicked and squirmed and hit and screamed. As I was trying to put her car seat straps on, this was rather trying, and I lost my temper, forced her into her seat, and then smacked her bottom when she tried to wriggle out again. This resulted in even louder tears and screaming, but it at least enabled me to strap her in. I'm not proud of having lost my temper.
However, by the time we got home, she was her cheerful self again - even telling Daddy that Mommy was 'mean, horrible and nasty' because she had smacked Nellie because Nellie was crying. (Daddy has been persona non grata - so the fact that she was talking to him is a massive step forward!) Finally, the bath/ bedtime routine was started. We were all exhausted, but there was one final tantrum brewing. As it began to erupt, I could feel myself losing it again. Taking a deep breath, I hugged Nellie to me and said, "I don't like fighting with you, Nellie. I don't want to fight with you. Please just do what Mommy wants."
What really surprised me was that she gave me a fierce hug in return, kissed me, and then said, "I don't like fighting with you Mommy,". She then simply & quietly did what I had asked! She took my breath away. What a very grown up response!
Moments like that let me know that, once we are through the twos, underneath it all, she is growing into a beautiful person. I can't wait to see what an amazing person she's becoming, and all that despite me and my failings as a parent.
5 comments:
Brace yourself for Three! I don't know why the Twos have such a bad reputation -- any parent will tell you Three makes Two look like, well, baby stuff. ;) Look out world, here she comes! Good luck!
Don't you think that her good response to your reasoning was a direct result of the smack that she received earlier? As she remembered the pain of the smack, she learnt that tantrums have bad consequences. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Lovely story Nicole!
Thanks Debs, I think it's a cute story too.
No, I don't think that her response was because of the smack. I've smacked her before without a similar response afterwards. While I have no doubt that smacking does have an effect on behaviour, I'm not sure it was a factor in her decision at that moment.
I believe that smacking has a role to play in the arsenal of sanctions I can impose on her for bad behaviour. However, I don't believe that is when I'm out of control myself, as was the case in the earlier episode.
I want Nellie to learn that her actions cause me to be angry, and that they hurt others, but I don't want to let my own anger get the better of me. If I do that, then I think the lesson she learns is that it's okay to get violent when you lose your temper, which is exactly what I'm trying to teach her is NOT ok.
To what do I attribute her good response, if not the earlier smack? I think the fact that we're learning to really listen to each other.
She's learning that if she stops whining and crying, and just talks to me, I will really listen, and where possible, accomodate her.
I'm hoping that because I just talked to her about what I needed (instead of losing my temper and throwing a minor hissy fit myself), she applied the same rule in reverse, and gave me what I wanted.
Her big thing at the moment is to "make you happy". When she sees unhappy people she often makes suggestions about what will make them happy, so I'm sure that also had a big role to play in her response.
No no, Jac - don't say that! You'll burst my little bubble, and THEN where will we be??
Well, the good news is, deep down, they always want to make us happy.
hugs and kisses to all.
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