Monday, July 09, 2007

Where do I begin...?

I shouldn't be blogging right now. Really, I shouldn't. I'm feeling miserable. That's the worst time to blog because I just know I'm going to say stuff that's going to upset people. I should just delete this and sign off. Really, I should.

But I won't, because the very action of putting my feelings down on paper (as it were) makes them manageable and less intense. So if you don't want to worry, or feel frustrated, or be otherwise upset, I suggest that you stop reading this post right now.

Don't say I didn't warn you....

I'm miserable, miserable, miserable. Quite thoroughly depressed, in fact. I know it's just the stress of moving home, job and country all in one go. I know it's a phase. I know it will get better. But right now, I'm not coping. I just want everything to be the way it was before. I want my car. I want my phone to work. I want my own home and my own space. I want Graeme to have a proper job. I want Nellie to settle down. I want my friends around me. I want my hormones to stop raging. I want to stop wanting another baby. I want Zoe alive. I want all the admin stuff sorted (like GP, driver's licences, tenant stuff). I don't want to go to work next week. Not because I don't want to work, but because I don't ever want to teach in a school again. I want it to stop raining. I want to be warm again. I want pets. I want to have time to sort out my business. I want my computer so that I can have everything in its usual place (in my favourites and email and my business files...). I want Ashley to be here so that Nellie will be happy again (Ash, she was asking to go to you again today... broke my heart to have to tell her that she couldn't see you). And none of it in that order.

And I'm so ****ing tired.

And I can't get 'Witch' face products here. And my stupid phone isn't working. (We both have SA mobile numbers now... we'll email them around once we get my phone working.) And I can't get our hard drive to talk to my dad's computer so I can't get my website up and running...

And I really, really, really don't want to teach. Please God get Graeme a proper job. Please. I don't want to be in a foul mood for the next 3 to 6 months!

So there we are. I feel lousy. I just want to cry all the time. And I burnt the stupid pumpkin fritters tonight... and the rolls for the burgers. And I can't get my daughter to eat.

Sod this - I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

PS - Please don't write me uplifting, encouraging comments or emails. I don't want to be uplifted or encouraged. I just want this horrid phase to be over, so life can be ... I don't know. Better? Is life ever better? What does that mean? Having more money would be nice, but will it make things 'better'? Having the rain stop would be nice, but would that make things 'better' (or would it just delay the drought)? Not having to work would be nice, but would that make things 'better', or would I just be more lonely? And why doesn't my gorgeous little girl want to cuddle with me anymore? Had she stopped loving me?

See - I really need to go to bed. Some sleep will help, I'm sure. Just ignore me. I'm just depressed and this too shall pass. Night.
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