Mam for president!

Teaching is so much more than just teaching content! As a teacher you Jane to fill so many roles. The one I love best is talking about real world issues that will affect my students outside of the classroom, now and after school. Today was just such an example.

Part of the Gr 11 & 12 Life Sciences curriculum is looking at the impact that humans are having on the planet. Today we were discussing the consequences of climate change, and I pointed out that as a result of increased droughts people migrate to cities, which puts more stress on food resources.

Student 1: We should ban all immigrants because they steal our food.
Student 2: Build a wall!
Me: That's like getting a cut and, instead of cleaning it out, you simply put a plaster on it in the hopes it will get better by itself. Short-term solutions create long-term problems. Rather, we should be thinking 20, 50 or 100 years ahead and making sure our solutions solve the problem for the people living after us...

Student 3: MAM FOR PRESIDENT!!

Well, that wasn't quite the response I was looking for, but okay!

Do not go gentle into that good night

My mother has Alzheimer’s. So did my gran, and my great-gran. I was a teenager through my gran’s Alzheimer’s, and she died while I was in my 20s. Watching my gran deteriorate and having to look after her was horrid...

I had patience to answer the same question 5 or 10 times, but after the gazillionth time, I had no patience left, so would simply leave the room or the house, and abandon my mother to deal with it. Having to care for her once her sleep patterns were gone was exhausting. She would sleep during the day and be awake at night. We would find her switching on the stove in the middle of the night and then forgetting it was on, or trying to leave the house and go shopping (while undressing herself on the driveway). Even having a night nurse to care for her, to give us a chance to sleep, didn’t work very well, because my gran would frequently have a negative reaction to the nurse, becoming angry and then violent.

So when my mom was diagnosed, I was shattered. Not only did I know the manner in which I would lose my mother, but I wasn’t sure how I would be able to handle her decline. (And at the back of my mind was the fear that this is how I too will end my life...and that my kids and husband will have to care for me while I become increasingly confused, angry and violent... Rage, rage against the dying of the light...)

Yet, oddly, I find I currently have patience to answer the same question endlessly without getting upset or annoyed. I find myself telling stories I know she will forget in 5 minutes, because I know it gives her pleasure to have a ‘normal’ conversation. Where, as a teenager, I couldn’t bear to be with my gran, now I find myself eager to spend time with my mom.

Maybe the difference is that I am older. Maybe it’s that this time around the person affected is my mother. Maybe it’s that this time around I am more Christ-like than I was as a teenager. Whatever it is, I am grateful that I am able to show my mother love, care and appreciation while she is still able to accept and appreciate it. I know that won’t always be the case.

I guess the lesson is to always make the most of every day, and to tell the people you love that you love them, because there are no guarantees in life. When someone is gone, it’s too late to spend time with them, too late to tell them you love them, too late to talk, too late to share an experience, too late, too late, too late. In a way, I’m glad my mother was diagnosed - it made me realize that the time I have left with her is short. I wish I’d been less wrapped up in my own day-to-day busyness of raising children and work and chores around the house. I wish I’d made more of the time we had while she was still active and fully present. But at least I have this time with her now.

Don’t let someone’s funeral or memorial be the time when you learn who that person really is. Don’t let their funeral be the time when you turn to one another and say ‘I wish I’d spent more time with them.’ Don’t let the only time you see family or friends be at the funeral of another family member or friend. What does it matter if the house isn’t clean, or the lawn isn’t mowed? What does it matter if your clothes aren’t ironed, or that book isn’t read? What does it matter, when compared to the incomparably short time we have left on this earth? What matters in eternity is not whether the chores got done, but whether we loved others in action (and not just in words or sentiment). Do not go gentle into that good night. Wear purple  Tick off the items on your bucket list. Spend time with the people you love, because in the blink of an eye either they, or you, will be gone, and it will be too late.

Things I have learnt from... car guards

On one of our local radio stations, they regularly ask people to message in their answers to a question they pose on a random topic. Yesterday the question was about car guards. Car guards are, I think, a uniquely South African thing.

They are people who guard cars from vandals, help with pushing your trolley and loading your shopping into your car, and try to direct you out of the parking bay as you reverse (usually standing in the way of the car and being a danger to themselves, in my experience) in exchange for whatever spare cash you may have. They may also offer a car washing service if they are particularly proactive. They are usually part of the informal sector - i.e. they appoint themselves - and some are not much more than glorified beggars. In the worst case scenarios, if you fail to tip them, they scratch your car as you drive away. Because of their nuisance factor, over the last decade or so many shopping centres have started appointing their own car guards, who have official bibs to identify them.

The radio station’s question was what people thought of car guards - were they offering a useful service, or were they just a nuisance? I was surprised that over 80% of those who called or messaged the studio were in favor of them. I have an intense dislike of them - not of any particular individual, just of having to be hassled by people whose services I neither desire nor need. I don’t know whether people who feel the way I do simply didn’t air their opinion, or whether that straw poll indicates that I am very much out of step with popular opinion, but it got me thinking about things.

I realized that it’s not just car guards that I dislike. I have a natural suspicion about people, bar a few circumstances. Sadly, I realized that my instinctual reaction to people is that they are out to get something from me, or to harm me in some way, so I walk around with a heightened background “noise” of suspicion, fear and anger towards others.

This is not how Jesus calls us to live - he calls us to love everyone - even our enemies. So how do I reconcile my seemingly innate reactions with this call on my life? I started by trying to determine why it is that I feel the way I do about people. I don’t know that I have a complete understanding yet, but I definitely found a few pointers.

Growing up under Apartheid, I imbibed the lie about the “swart gevaar”. Strangers, particularly those of colour (who, let’s be honest, are the only car guards I’ve seen). The lie is that “those people” ARE out to get me, and will not only steal from me at the first opportunity, but are also looking for ways to kill me. Of course, there is also the massive discrepancy between me, someone who HAS (a job, a car, a brick house that easily accommodates my family, sanitation and plumbing in said house, electricity, a university education, food in my cupboards/ fridge/ freezer), and those beggars and car guards, who are part of the populace of HAVE NOTS in the country. Faced with them on a daily basis is emotionally exhausting as I try to hold back my white guilt so that I’m not perpetually overwhelmed. Displaying anger (whether in tone of voice, or body/ facial language) is a pretty good way to make people keep their distance from you. Just don’t make eye contact....

I also have a strong reaction to adverts and salespeople - they really are out to get something from me. Somehow my assumption when anyone stops me (in the shopping centre, at the traffic lights, etc.) is that they are either a salesperson, or worse. I’m not sure where this comes from, but it’s a pretty strong reaction - even to print adverts, or adverts at the start of videos on YouTube, or in the side banners on social media. I think it’s a reaction to the feeling that I’m being manipulated in some way, because I’m generally quite ornery when I think I’m being manipulated or told what to think/ do/ feel.

Thinking back on just today, it occurred to me that working with teenagers is probably also a contributing factor. Teenagers are constantly pushing the boundaries, and can be very confrontational.  As I deal with a lot of discipline issues on a daily basis (I’m a grade head and manage the school’s discipline admin), I guess that I have become hardened and assume that any interaction I am going to have with a student is going to be one of confrontation, where I’m on the receiving end of a lot of aggression; not to mention that my assumption is always that I’m being lied to all the time, because much of the time I am being lied to.

Even knowing all of this, I think there is a deeper issue at play here though: selfishness. I have always been a selfish, greedy person. So, I suppose that my suspicion of others stems, ultimately, from my selfishness. I don’t want anyone else to take my stuff, or even get what might potentially be mine one day. While outwardly I applaud the success of others, inwardly my jealousy seethes - why them and not me? This is me at my ugliest, and most unsanctified. This is the person Jesus came to save and redeem. In his words - it’s not the healthy who need a doctor: it’s the sick!

I was sick and dying in my sin, in my selfishness, in my hatred and anger and fear, BUT JESUS stepped into history to save me. Thank God! That’s not to say that, now that I’m saved, I’m perfect or have everything sorted. Far from it! But at least now I have hope that as I grapple with the ugly side of me, I will find freedom. I will be set free from the worst of me. Not only is there grace to cover me, but there is love that will transform me, from one degree of glory to the next. Even as I identify the evil in my heart, already God has reached out to help me deal with it, if I will but grasp His hand. I doubt this is something that will be fixed overnight. Rather, I think this is part of an on-going conversation I’ll be having with God, and that the healing will be gradual.

Guns and violence

Violence begets violence. Violent people act violently - in their thoughts, in their hearts, in their words, and ultimately in their actions. While I believe guns should not be legal for ordinary citizens, and definitely not for children, banning guns is a band-aid. We have to deal with the root cause - the violence in our own hearts. And, ultimately, only Jesus can help us there!

That doesn't mean we sit back and do nothing - we need to ban guns - but if we think  that will solve the problem of violence in schools, or homes, or communities, we are going to be disappointed. The state and nature of the human condition is such that only radical and divine intervention can save us from ourselves.

Dealing with disappointment

I believe God has given me the gift of leadership. People who know me seem to agree, because they keep encouraging me to step up and step out.

Yet every time I try to step into greater leadership responsibilities, whether at work or in the church I get the door slammed in my face, or knocked down. It happened again this past week.

I can't begin to tell you how incredibly painful and frustrating it has been, or how much I have grappled with this particular struggle. For whatever reason, it seems that God does not intend for me to be a leader. I am destined, it seems, to simply be faithful; to remain in the background. It feels like God has given me gifts, but not a platform from which to use them.

While it may be that I am totally missing the point in terms of how God wants me to use these gifts, everything in me yearns to do more and be more than I feel am currently doing and being; to use what I have been given to greater benefit for those around me. And it seems to me that I cannot best use the gifts I have been given in my current position. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is how things feel to me at this point.

There is no doubt in my mind that I can serve God where I am, and I will continue to do so, but I also believe that I can have a wider impact with a wider sphere of influence. So why does God continue to hold me back? What am I missing here?

While grappling with this issue, I also have a continual battle against the character flaw of greed and materialism. I want to earn more, live in a bigger house, in a nicer neighbourhood, drive a bigger car, have holidays in expensive locations, wear nicer clothing... you get the idea. And when I ask God for these things and he says no, I understand why. I get that consumerism and materialism are completely contrary to his character, and that to become like him means denying myself. But that denial is not something I have been able to do once and never need to do again. This is something that pops up regularly for me... the love of money... and needs to be repeatedly brought to the foot of the cross.

Unfortunately, this weekend saw both of these struggles collide, leaving me feeling that God doesn't really care - that he takes pleasure in denying me all the desires of my heart. (I know that isn't true, but that's how I wad feeling.) Those feelings and thoughts feed into a much deeper dialogue with God about deep hurts from my past, when I really did feel God deliberately led me down the garden path and then abandoned me... which makes the way I deal with disappointment of crucial importance.

If I don't deal with disappointment, or with God's "no"s, effectively I end up in a dark place far away from him and his purposes and promises, with a very hard heart that denies him at every turn. That's not a great place to be, let me tell you.

So I have to start with honesty. I tell God how absolutely rubbish I feel, and how cross I am, and hurt. That often tends to go for a while, but I have to get to the end of me and pour out all the vitriol before there is space in my heart to hear his quiet voice. And he is always grasps enough to listen and wait.

And it's also no good my repeating truth to myself until all that vitriol is out. If I do, I just get sarcastic and more angry. [It's like when people tell someone who has just lost a pregnancy that "at least they can have another go", or "at least they are young enough to try again", or "at least they already have a child"... speaking those platitudes is the biggest load of hogwash! Just hear the pain and acknowledge it. Don't try to erase it.] I just need to empty myself, to acknowledge the reality of how I feel, whether my emotions are justified or not.

Once the vitriol is out, I'm usually in tears and in a place to beseech God to help me get over myself, to speak to me and show me his plans and purposes, to do anything and everything he has to, to get me out of this hole. At that point, God usually shows up and reveals his love for me, after which he reminds me about whatever truth I particularly need to hear.

So today I got to the point of getting most of the vitriol out during worship in church this morning. Then we went on to study Ps 103. What a great psalm!

And I was reminded again of how much God has already given me in the death and resurrection of Jesus. And that, honestly, in light of that I need to get over myself. I have been given the greatest gift, the most important gift, and therefore I have no leg on which to stand to complain about anything in my life.

Really, not being in an office of leadership, and not having as much money as the Jones', these things are not just "first world" problems. These issues are trifles in the grand scheme of God's kingdom. I need to get some perspective. Of greater concern is the state of my heart and character.

Yes, I'm disappointed that once again I have been unable to step forward into an office of leadership. But that doesn't mean I am not a leader, nor does it mean I cannot lead or influence others. I don't know why God is keeping me back, but I trust that his plans are always to keep me from harm, to do what is best for me, to prosper and grow me, even if I can't see the reason or plan right now. And this current plan is not Plan B or C; it's not God's 2nd best option for my life, even if it feels like it.

Yes, my heart is very sore, but I will continue to walk the path before me, doing the good works that God has prepared in advance for me to do. And if, at some point in the future, he lifts me up to an office of leadership, that would be fabulous. (If he gives me a few million Rands that would be fabulous too, but I'm definitely not holding my breath for that one!)

But if I hang around in this place, allowing my disappointment to become my focus and to occupy centre stage in my thoughts, I may well miss some blessing or experience along the way. If I stay here, I will become angry and depressed.

Instead, I choose to turn my face to him, to bless him, to honour his name. I may well have to keep making this choice every few minutes for the next few days. I may well have to keep choosing to soften my heart and not harden it against God. I will have to take captive every thought.

But I believe that it will be worth the effort. What would it profit me to gain the whole world - fame and fortune, wisdom and knowledge, love and power - yet lose my soul? Far better not to have any of those things, yet have my heart, will and character in line with His. Far better by far.

Joy vs happiness

I was taught, many moons ago, that joy and happiness are not the same thing; that happiness is an emotion, while joy is a state of mind that we can choose to live in; that happiness is the result of circumstances, while joy is a choice in spite of circumstances; that happiness is fleeting, while joy is eternal (or could be...if we choose it); that happiness is surface only, while joy is deep heart stuff.

Then, last Sunday, a preacher stood up and said that was all rubbish, or mostly rubbish - that joy is an emotion, one we are able to experience all the time, like happiness; that basically there is no difference between joy and happiness; that saying joy is a choice actually presents it as a joyless option; that we can have joy (happiness) all the time if we abide in Jesus all the time. Both sides used Scripture to support their point of view, and both sides sound convincing. I suppose, to some extent, it's all swings and roundabouts, pendulum swung too far to one side, or the other, and that both are true concurrently. You know - that typical thing we humans do by over-emphasising one part of a truth over another, which then gets warped out of proportion.

And so I've been pondering joy vs happiness all week, trying to decide what I believe the truth is. I've been looking for moments of happiness and joy throughout the day, constantly asking myself if I was happy in that moment, and if so, why, and if not, why. It's been an interesting journey  and I'm pleased to report that most of the time I have felt happy...even when being BORED OUT OF MIND invigilating. I guess, most of the time, my happiness comes from knowing that I am in the centre of God's will, that I'm doing what he called me to do. The rest of it comes, I guess, from not being stressed because I don't have any marking to do (YET!! That all starts on Monday!)

And because life is moving at a slightly slower pace for me, I've had the time to do things I love, to laugh, to spend time with people, to be creative - which makes me happy, and joyful. But see - if joy is a choice when circumstances are poor, then because this week has been a good one, I can't really evaluate whether or not I have joy... so the coming weeks will be important in this little experiment.

But in the meantime, I thought I would share with you these comics from the New Yorker Magazine, which I just love. Have a fabulous weekend!

"Actually, it all makes me feel statistically average-sized and I resent the tone."

"You lose your phone again, Rusty?"

Examination

Close your eyes and listen.
Listen to the howling South-Easter,
to the trees clapping and clacking.
Inside,
all is quiet.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
A closing door, echoing,
echoing down deserted corridors.
Dust motes twirling in
the liquid warmth of sunbeams
in whistling drafts
from ill-fitting windows.
An occasional cough, or sniff.
The rustling of a turned page.

One could be forgiven
for not expecting
the 1000-strong crush of humanity
filling these spaces.
Their silence
no testimony
to the power and energy
throbbing inside 1000 bodies.

Listen closer now.
Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub.
Listen to the adrenalin:
The click, click, click of pens
The quiet rip
of teeth on nails, lips, cheeks
The crack, crack, crack of knuckles
The snap of too-tightly wound hair
The pluck, pluck of fingers on fabric
The tap, tap, tap of shoelaces on faux leather
as feet twitch, twitch, twitch.

The ocean of quiet
shattered
by the tsunami of speech.
"You may begin."
And a sudden frantic scrabbling
for the anchor of pens.
It is time.