Dealing with disappointment

I believe God has given me the gift of leadership. People who know me seem to agree, because they keep encouraging me to step up and step out.

Yet every time I try to step into greater leadership responsibilities, whether at work or in the church I get the door slammed in my face, or knocked down. It happened again this past week.

I can't begin to tell you how incredibly painful and frustrating it has been, or how much I have grappled with this particular struggle. For whatever reason, it seems that God does not intend for me to be a leader. I am destined, it seems, to simply be faithful; to remain in the background. It feels like God has given me gifts, but not a platform from which to use them.

While it may be that I am totally missing the point in terms of how God wants me to use these gifts, everything in me yearns to do more and be more than I feel am currently doing and being; to use what I have been given to greater benefit for those around me. And it seems to me that I cannot best use the gifts I have been given in my current position. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is how things feel to me at this point.

There is no doubt in my mind that I can serve God where I am, and I will continue to do so, but I also believe that I can have a wider impact with a wider sphere of influence. So why does God continue to hold me back? What am I missing here?

While grappling with this issue, I also have a continual battle against the character flaw of greed and materialism. I want to earn more, live in a bigger house, in a nicer neighbourhood, drive a bigger car, have holidays in expensive locations, wear nicer clothing... you get the idea. And when I ask God for these things and he says no, I understand why. I get that consumerism and materialism are completely contrary to his character, and that to become like him means denying myself. But that denial is not something I have been able to do once and never need to do again. This is something that pops up regularly for me... the love of money... and needs to be repeatedly brought to the foot of the cross.

Unfortunately, this weekend saw both of these struggles collide, leaving me feeling that God doesn't really care - that he takes pleasure in denying me all the desires of my heart. (I know that isn't true, but that's how I wad feeling.) Those feelings and thoughts feed into a much deeper dialogue with God about deep hurts from my past, when I really did feel God deliberately led me down the garden path and then abandoned me... which makes the way I deal with disappointment of crucial importance.

If I don't deal with disappointment, or with God's "no"s, effectively I end up in a dark place far away from him and his purposes and promises, with a very hard heart that denies him at every turn. That's not a great place to be, let me tell you.

So I have to start with honesty. I tell God how absolutely rubbish I feel, and how cross I am, and hurt. That often tends to go for a while, but I have to get to the end of me and pour out all the vitriol before there is space in my heart to hear his quiet voice. And he is always grasps enough to listen and wait.

And it's also no good my repeating truth to myself until all that vitriol is out. If I do, I just get sarcastic and more angry. [It's like when people tell someone who has just lost a pregnancy that "at least they can have another go", or "at least they are young enough to try again", or "at least they already have a child"... speaking those platitudes is the biggest load of hogwash! Just hear the pain and acknowledge it. Don't try to erase it.] I just need to empty myself, to acknowledge the reality of how I feel, whether my emotions are justified or not.

Once the vitriol is out, I'm usually in tears and in a place to beseech God to help me get over myself, to speak to me and show me his plans and purposes, to do anything and everything he has to, to get me out of this hole. At that point, God usually shows up and reveals his love for me, after which he reminds me about whatever truth I particularly need to hear.

So today I got to the point of getting most of the vitriol out during worship in church this morning. Then we went on to study Ps 103. What a great psalm!

And I was reminded again of how much God has already given me in the death and resurrection of Jesus. And that, honestly, in light of that I need to get over myself. I have been given the greatest gift, the most important gift, and therefore I have no leg on which to stand to complain about anything in my life.

Really, not being in an office of leadership, and not having as much money as the Jones', these things are not just "first world" problems. These issues are trifles in the grand scheme of God's kingdom. I need to get some perspective. Of greater concern is the state of my heart and character.

Yes, I'm disappointed that once again I have been unable to step forward into an office of leadership. But that doesn't mean I am not a leader, nor does it mean I cannot lead or influence others. I don't know why God is keeping me back, but I trust that his plans are always to keep me from harm, to do what is best for me, to prosper and grow me, even if I can't see the reason or plan right now. And this current plan is not Plan B or C; it's not God's 2nd best option for my life, even if it feels like it.

Yes, my heart is very sore, but I will continue to walk the path before me, doing the good works that God has prepared in advance for me to do. And if, at some point in the future, he lifts me up to an office of leadership, that would be fabulous. (If he gives me a few million Rands that would be fabulous too, but I'm definitely not holding my breath for that one!)

But if I hang around in this place, allowing my disappointment to become my focus and to occupy centre stage in my thoughts, I may well miss some blessing or experience along the way. If I stay here, I will become angry and depressed.

Instead, I choose to turn my face to him, to bless him, to honour his name. I may well have to keep making this choice every few minutes for the next few days. I may well have to keep choosing to soften my heart and not harden it against God. I will have to take captive every thought.

But I believe that it will be worth the effort. What would it profit me to gain the whole world - fame and fortune, wisdom and knowledge, love and power - yet lose my soul? Far better not to have any of those things, yet have my heart, will and character in line with His. Far better by far.