Princess postings

This post carries a health warning: if you are not an evangelical Christian, not only may you not understand anything I'm saying in this post, but you may actually find yourself thinking I've lost whatever credibility or sanity you thought I had. I don't have the time or energy now to explain some of the terms and concepts I use properly, and I apologise. I'm exhausted, but I want to document something profound that happened to me tonight at church, because I know it will be important to me in the days, weeks and months to come to have something in writing to reflect upon.

For those who know what Jesus Ministry is, or Freedom Prayer.... I walked through the 5 R's tonight (for the first time in a very, very long time). Hence my exhaustion. Feel free to keep me accountable on the 'Replace' step.

Tonight was significant in that, once again, God demonstrated his love and mercy to me. I managed to take the plunge and ask for prayer after the service tonight (yet another milestone for me). (This was after walking through the 5 R's on my own during the service.) The person praying for me received a picture of me as a princess, with a crown on my head, and as a mother, standing tall in the courts of heaven.

To understand the significance of this, it is necessary to back track slightly. God has spoken to me on several occasions over the past 8 years about the fact that I am a princess. (Rightly speaking, so is every Christian woman or girl, but for me this picture has added significance.) Every time he has, it has been part of a message that not only am I dearly, dearly loved, but I am important to God, not insignificant, and powerful in Christ. It has also been part of a message that God has a plan to use me mightily to increase his kingdom.

When the lady praying for me spoke of this picture she had seen (who, I might add, does not know about this picture, or its significance to me), my soul knew instantly what God was saying to me. I burst into tears because, while it was not what I had been expecting to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

The events of the past 3 years have left me reeling. 3 years ago I believed that God had big plans for my life. (I won't say how big, or in what direction because that would only come across as arrogant; plus, over the past 3 years I've developed a very healthy dose of scepticism that I ever understood what God had been saying to me and I really don't want to wind up with even more egg on my face than I already have.) I believed I understood the big picture and something of how God wanted to achieve that picture in my life. Then the 3 years took place, and everything I thought I believed and knew was called into question, including my most sacred hopes and dreams.

(Edited to add... Angela, if you're reading this [or the wonderful ladies from the morning growth group - please tell Angela to read this] - do you remember what you said to me the last time I saw you, as we were sitting on Sue's couch in her beautiful kitchen? Do you remember what you told me God had said to you was in my future? I've just realised that I'm doing it... right here, right now, with this blog. It's not how I thought it would be - for one thing, it's still so small, but from small beginnings God grows big things, so I'm hopeful that God will grow it further... but I'm doing it! Thank you for your encouragement, your obedience and your faithfulness in speaking out what you thought God had shared with you!)

Following these 3 years I found myself in a place where I didn't see how God would ever use someone like me - someone who was so completely uncertain of everything good Christians are supposed to believe. Sure, I believed that if he wanted to, he would; I just didn't see it happening. I mean, let's be honest here: you can't expect me to pray and listen to God for someone else when I wasn't even on speaking terms with God, or to talk about how amazing God is when I felt he was the worst sort of being ever to have existed... and that's just for starters.

The end result is that I thought my dreams were over. I thought that whatever potential I might have had, had been exploded apart and I would never again know the heights of joy in Christ, or the depth of passion, or the sobering responsibility (and exhilaration) of being on the front lines of the advancing kingdom again. I would never know the tremendous satisfaction of actually living my dreams. And I was coming to terms with that.

I was coming to accept that the status quo was all I could ever expect, that between motherhood and the other demands on my time, this was as good as it was ever going to get for me. Sure, I could do lots of good stuff and be a good person, but for a Christian, being good isn't what it's about. There's an ocean of difference between being good or doing good stuff, and being in relationship with God that makes you a part of his army advancing against the kingdom of darkness, equipping the saints and raising others up.

In the split second that the woman praying for me tonight started saying "princess", I knew exactly what God was trying to tell me, and it nearly blew me away. It was this: "Nothing has changed: the plans remain in place."

Do you have any idea of the significance of those words in my life? The prophecies that God spoke over me are all still valid. Still valid!?! Can you believe that? My mind is really struggling to get to grips with this. I thought I'd blown it. I thought I'd strayed, taken a wrong turning, headed off down the wrong track, but that's not what God was saying tonight. (At least, if I heard him correctly, that's not what he was saying.)

I thought I knew what the plan was; I thought I knew where God was leading me, and I thought I understood what he wanted from me. Then, everything fell apart. Now, it seems God is saying that things are still on track. But if they are, then I have absolutely NO CLUE how we get from A to B. The last 3 years have taught me to doubt what I thought I knew, so I'm not even sure that I ever understood where point B is, let alone how to get there now from here. I'd be lying if I said I'm not more confused now than I was before!

And yet...

And yet!

The joy of this evening is that God still has a plan for my life, a big plan; a plan that means my life will not just be an existence; a plan that means that when I'm on my death-bed I won't be looking back with regret - I'll be celebrating the difference I made in the world and in God's kingdom.

I am still a princess. I am still dearly loved. I am still important. I am still significant.

So while I'm more confused than ever, and while I still don't know what God wants from me, or where he's leading me, or why he has allowed certain things to happen, tonight marks an important step for me. God's plans for me are still on track.

The door of hope has opened just a crack for me and I dare to dream that maybe, just maybe, God still plans to give me the desire of my heart - to be greater than 'just' a teacher, or 'just' a mother, or 'just' a Christian - to really make a difference in this world for the sake of his kingdom using the gifts he's given me.

A lot of things still make no sense to me... but tonight I am able to set aside my doubts and my fears and just trust. (I'm sure that in the days ahead I will see the Deceiver at work... pray with me that I will be able to walk steadfastly in this truth when that time comes!) I have no idea how long I will be able to stay on this mountain top, appreciating the vista, but for as long as I am permitted to stand here, I will simply enjoy the view and marvel at the mystery of God's ways. He is in control and all is well with my soul.