The return of the tears

Yup.. bound to happen, I know.

Not so cool though when you're walking around at work, just wanting to ball your eyes out every second, and then people (including kids) keep asking if you're ok, when it's obvious you're not, and you really can't say anything because the moment you open your mouth you're just going to howl....

All I can say is, thank God it was a short day. Thank God it's holidays, because I'm not sure if I could face work on Tuesday.

I heard someone talking about a friend today, who has two kids, and felt myself wanting to howl at the unfairness of it all. 3 sets of my sister-in-law's friends are currently pregnant with twins, and that also seems so unfair. It's not that I begrudge them their pregnancies, or their children, because I honestly don't. It's hard to explain... so I'm not going to try.

I want to be pregnant. I want more children. I think it's too horrible for words that Zoe's life ended before it began. I think it's monstrous that I should be unable to have kids for a while, and that when I next try to have kids the probability is that I will lose them too. Right now, Zoe should be learning to walk, already communicating by signing, learning to talk, learning to feed herself, and generally be bringing joy into our lives on a daily basis. Instead, there's a part of our family missing. A gaping wound that cannot be filled, that cannot be hidden, and that I wouldn't want to hide if I could. I feel as if I've been maimed.

And yet... I give thanks for Zoe's life, brief as it was. I give thanks that I am capable of falling pregnant again. I give thanks that the medical aid will pay for my medications and so reduce the risk of losing the pregnancies. I give thanks that my gynae is a specialist in APS. I give thanks for Janel, that I have at least have one child (even if she is driving me slowly insane at the moment) who is healthy, full of life and thinks her Mommy is the best thing since sliced cheese. I give thanks that I have a husband who loves me, and who isn't firing blanks. I give thanks that we both have work, food to eat, a house to live in, clothes to wear. I give thanks that we have a large and loving family. I give thanks for God's provision for us.

So I'm not sure where that leaves me, but I'm in a bit of a mess I guess. But then, who ever said emotions were neat, ordered, tidy and easy to box up?