God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

That's a line from one of the more modern Anglican communion liturgies. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. Since Zoe died, if I've been to communion more than 3 times it's a lot. I feel like I just can't say those words and mean them, and I'd rather not say something I can't hold to be true. But that doesn't mean the words of the liturgy haven't been in my mind.

I've really struggled with them, because it implies that losing Zoe was a good thing, and I can't believe that. I can't believe that the God who stood over the creation he had made, and declared to be 'good' could stand over this situation and declare it 'good', and that word have the same meaning in both situations.

Things at work have been busier than I think I can ever remember (except maybe the week before Janel was born - that was sheer madness too!), but I've loved it. So much so, that earlier this week, as I was going to the loo (why do so many of my profound interactions with God take place in the loo???) I found myself spontaneously saying 'God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.' and really meaning it. To say I was shocked is an understatement. How did that square with Zoe, I asked myself?

And it struck me: I'm far enough down the grief road now that I can see God's hand in this - not in causing it, but in loving us through this. Yes, God is good, all the time. He's so good that while I found myself unable to face him, while I had to walk away from him to preserve my sanity, he continued to love me. While I could not praise him, he was good enough to not demand it. While I was too blind in rage to hold onto him for comfort, he was good enough to hold onto me.

Yesterday, Nellie had a tantrum and a half because Daddy wasn't home and she wanted him to do something with her. She got herself into such a state that I had to take her into my arms and hold her, because watching her was breaking my heart. When I did though, she squirmed and wriggled and kicked and hit me, but then, slowly, her fighting subsided. Eventually, she turned and cuddled into my arms and just cried, until even her tears and sobs subsided. We just sat together on the loo (yet another profound moment, had on the loo!) for ages, until she was ready to move on.

That's what God has been doing for me, and I can see it now. No, losing Zoe was not good, and God agrees. I still don't know why he let it happen, but then I don't know why God lets anything bad happen to his children. The fact that he does though, doesn't diminish his goodness. At least, not in my experience. It does raise questions for me about his power, predestination, free will and whether he is trustworthy, but (for the moment at least) I think I've got a handle on the 'God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.' thing. When Zoe died, I wasn't sure I would ever get to this point again. But it seems I have.

I don't know if my faith will ever recover fully, or whether I will ever be able to worship him with the abandon & joy of my youth. But for the moment, I have hope that having reached this point, I might get back there one day. Because I want to. I want to have that fire and zeal again, not at the expense of forgetting Zoe and the impact her life has had on mine, but at the expense of remembering her.