Sometimes he whispers...

... and sometimes he yells.

Who can understand the mind of God? Who can fathom why he sometimes chooses to be silent, or to whisper, or to step back, and why, at other times, he chooses to bend down and yell in your ear, to INTERVENE, to make his presence known?

For no reason that I can determine, for the past few days I have had one line from a song running through my head non-stop, on endless repeat.

"My love is unshakable, my love is unbreakable for you."

For the first few hours I thought nothing much of it. You know, it's just that my brain is stuck on this track, so, okay, move on. Hum, hum, yup - still stuck on this track.

Then, suddenly, it smacked me in the face.

This wasn't just a random line from some random song (I still don't know who sings it, and can't find the lyrics to the rest of the song or the mp3 on the web. If you do, please let me know). Nope - this was something else.

This was a message from God, to me, personally, loudly, and repeatedly.

For several hours, I reveled in it. I love knowing that I'm loved. (Who doesn't, right? Unless it's some stalker person... but then, that's not really love, is it?)

But then, I was suddenly brought up short by my suspicious nature. Why would God want me to know this fact, on this particular day, in quite such an 'in your face' kind of way? Was something about to happen when knowing this would be vital? Was someone I loved about to die? Was something about to happen to me? Was I about to get hurt? And needless to say, I then spent a while in a minor state of panic, contemplating all the possible situations in which I would only survive if I was confident of God's love for me.

Thankfully, more than 48hrs later, nothing untoward has happened. (My suspicious mind says it might still happen.... and I shouldn't think I'm in the clear just yet.)

Nope, I think God just wanted to let me know how much he loves me. Not for any particular reason, just because he does, and he can.

When I behave like this to my kids, they also wonder what's up, why I'm suddenly being affectionate, or hugging them - what I want from them. (I wonder who they get this suspicious nature from?) But, they enjoy it. When they ask, I often tell them that I have to get all my hugs and love in now, while I can, before they become teenagers and want to keep a mile from any affectionate touch with their parents (or, God forbid, PDAs!!). Then they usually smile, and give me great big squeezy huggles (not cuddles, not hugs - huggles!) and lots of kisses. I love those moments. I love the smell of my kids, I love their little bodies cuddled up into mine. In fact, I positively adore them.

So why is it so hard for me to believe that if I want to have that with my kids, my heavenly father would want it any less with me? I have so much to learn!

"Unless you become as one of these little ones, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:3 (paraphrase)

A perfect start to the day?

How is it that my best and worst moments of the day can be the same moment?

While we're on holiday, and don't have to wake up early (by early, I mean before 7am...), we've fallen into a new morning routine. Around 7am Nellie wakes up, stumbles through to our room, and crawls into bed with me (on my side, note - I give up half my space for her so G doesn't have to get all uncomfortable) and we snuggle for a while. I love it.

Then, a few minutes later Nathan usually wakes up so Graeme collect him and brings him back to bed. Nathan has that sleepy baby look and smell about him (and I'm not talking about the smell of wet nappies here...) with his hair all disheveled and a cute grin that says "sorry for keeping you up all night, Mum, but I really, really, really do love you!"

Sometimes G deserts us in a grumpy mood because his back is killing him (I'm beginning to suspect some sort of kidney infection), but the best mornings are where we then all snuggle together - all 4 of us. We giggle and tickle and chat and cuddle. It's by far the BEST way to start the day I think (apart from breakfast in bed at 9am that involves lots of chocolate and tea and good books...).

It's also the worst way to start the day, because once Nathan joins us, Nellie won't lie still - she's a wriggle worm of note. Of course, that means that my full bladder usually gets at least one foot or elbow in it, some of my hair gets pulled out by the roots, and Nellie and Nate fight over her Leo (because Nate's is still in his cot and he thinks hers belongs to him...) with the result that she often starts whining and crying and gets all sulky.

When it goes wrong, it puts me in a foul mood and is the worst possible way to start the day (other than, oh I don't know - having gunmen enter your house and kill you?). When it goes right, it's awesome, like this morning. After a quick loo trip, I returned to bed to find Nellie and Nate cuddling - Nate lying on top of Nellie with her arms around him patting his back. Best of all - he wasn't trying to escape (which is his usual trick). He was genuinely loving it! Aaaaah! Made my heart go all gooey.

(Of course, Nellie spoilt what would have been the perfect start to the day by refusing to co-operate while getting dressed and making a scene about the fact that G was going to take her to nursery and not me. Sigh.)

I think back to the days BK (before kids) when I didn't want any because I was feeling too selfish about my time and could only see the negatives of having kids (nappies, sleepless nights, vomit in your hands, endless arguments, constant worry over their safety, etc, etc, etc) and moments like this make me realise afresh that this is, by far, the better choice! I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

They're back

Graeme and Nellie are safely back home at last! Their flight was further delayed meaning that they only landed at 11pm last night, so we only got home after 1am. Needless to say, Nellie was VERY tired and kept waking up crying.

However, today she has slept well (although not eaten well). She and I even had a nice cuddle for an hour while she slept on my chest! We haven't done that since she was a baby!! It was so good, I completely forgot I had a medical appointment... oh well! To be honest, I'd rather have 100 cuddles with her than worry about going to yet another appointment!

As soon as we've unpacked properly I'll upload a few photos of her time away for everyone. It's incredible how much she has grown in just 2 weeks - at least, it feels that way to me.