Breaking point

The past month of so has been ... stressful to say the least. In addition to the mini-Expo that I've been working on, there's been our own Science Fair (run twice, once for Gd 9 and once for Gd 11), and then prepping for exams (I still have one paper to finish setting for that), while also trying to sort out various IT-related issues at work, in addition to my own troubles at home.

The home troubles include having a thunderstorm wipe out my gate bell & camera, a computer, the router and the modem; my ceiling just about coming down because of the leaks on the roof (unintentionally caused by my gardener who failed to follow my instructions about how to walk on the roof and has cracked about 30 tiles...), my car's starter motor failing, and a host of other "minor" hassles.

Add to the mix the fact that G has finally started his new job, and from the get-go has had no end of BIG issues to sort out (and hence has been very stressed at home), and that all of the home issues have resulted in serious financial strain for us, and that Zoe has been very much on my heart and in my mind of late, and I'm sure you can appreciate the stress I've been under.

I have been at breaking point for what feels like forever. In reality, it's only been a few weeks, but prolonged stress is never good for the mind, body or soul. It has felt like forever.

On Friday, I knew the wheels were coming off. I could feel it. For the first time in YEARS my jaw has been dislocating again, which means that I must be seriously grinding my teeth at night, which means that I must be very stressed! I decided to take the bull by the horns, even though it made the evening a bit late for the kids (which causes it's own set of stress) and insist that we all go to the gym, so that the kids and I could swim and relax together. We had a blast, and I felt infinitely better after spending some quality time just playing with my kids, and just relaxing (for the first time in far too long). Sat was then the mini-Expo (STRESS!!!! but once it was underway, I was able to relax entirely and let go).

As I started relaxing though, the inevitable happened. You know how it is - the moment you start to relax after a really stressful or busy time, your body gives in completely. It can hold it together for a long time, but when you start to relax, it sideswipes you with all the accumulated results. Unusually for me, I haven't responded by getting ill (yet). Instead, I had a breakdown. And what a whopper it was!

I haven't had a breakdown like that for ... well, I can't remember the last time, so it must have been quite a while. What triggered it was losing a set of keys. We have a security gate on our patio door, and I lost the keys to it earlier today. I thought I had put them back in their usual place, but as my mother had just arrived for lunch as I putting them away, and I was flustered as the table wasn't quite ready, I concede that I couldn't remember WHAT I'd done with them.

The problem was that I wasn't comfortable about leaving the house without the gate being locked. While I know the alarm would have gone off if there had been a break-in, I would rather have just prevented the break-in in the first place. We don't have insurance, so losing stuff is a very costly business for us.

Since it was Mother's Day I felt that G should go to tea with his mother (which had been the plan) and I would stay home to look after the house. Yet, emotionally, because it was Mother's Day, I felt that I shouldn't be the one to have to stay at home. I was also furious with myself for losing the keys (as we don't have a spare - and it opens two gates). To top it off, I was furious that G could see I was really cross and upset, and did nothing to alleviate the situation. (Poor guy though! I would have run away too if I'd been him!)

In retrospect, I can see that it was all complete over-reaction. There was an alternative solution - lock the bike lock around the security gate, which would secure the house and allow us all to go out, and then look for the keys on our return - but I was too close to the edge to see that at the time.

Once he and the kids had left, I ran around like a lunatic, looking for the keys. Now, something you should know is that when I'm upset, the my absolute hatred for mess (I'm a neat freak) is like a red rag to a bull. It simply makes me even madder. Of course, having just had lunch, there were dirty dishes and glasses and pots everywhere - and I just exploded. Given my state of mind, I was incensed that I should be left with the mess to clean up, on Mother's Day, of all days.

As I can't really think straight in a mess, I started clearing things away, and for the first time I can remember, I honestly wanted to smash every single glass and plate we owned. In the end, I only broke one glass, but I was a hair's breadth away from breaking everything. As I said, I can't remember ever being in such a rage - I'm sure I have though! (I do have rather a temper.)

Well, breaking the glass made me even more mad on one level - because now I had a whole pile of glass to clean up - but it provided me with the emotional release I needed too. I promptly burst into tears and ran out of the kitchen. I sat on my bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed - with a mixture of rage and shame. As my tears subsided enough to allow me to see, I wandered outside. I needed some air - to just get away from the mess in the house. Of course, there's mess outside too - from the long grass that needs cutting to the dog's mess, and the weeds and the snails... and I started crying afresh, despairing that I would EVER have time to get my house as neat and pretty as I would like it. And that's when I saw them - I had dropped the keys in the garden while I was cutting some flowers for the table.

After clearing up the dogs' mess, and picking up the keys, I went back in and tackled the lunch-time mess, and the broken glass. By then, I had such a headache from the constant crying, and my face felt so puffy, I felt I couldn't face G's family, much as I wanted to see them. Instead, I climbed into bed and felt sorry for myself, with a bit of DVD-therapy thrown in. It (mostly) worked.

I'm grateful that no-one was here to witness my break-down. I'm glad that I was able to direct it away from my family, and my pets. I'm glad that I didn't harm anyone, or myself, but I'm disappointed in myself that I allowed things to get to that point.