I've been chatting to friends at other schools, who all say the same thing. So what is it about 2011 that makes it so much busier than 2010 was? Maybe it's the shorter holiday? Maybe it's the staff development weekend away on the first weekend? Maybe it's my new responsibilities? Maybe it's all 3? But then, why would teachers at other schools say they are feeling the same sort of pressures?
Who knows.
All I know is that I can't WAIT for the end of term, and that I feel completely disconnected from the world.
Actually, having said that, this morning at church I felt like part of a community for the first time in ages. It makes such a difference having people to greet that you know and love.
And speaking of church, I had a minor epiphany this morning. Know how sometimes you get reminded about a particular truth, but it strikes you in a fresh way? Yup, that happened to me this morning. I saw an ex-boyfriend coming in the door. He hadn't seen me. Inside, I felt myself shrivel up, because I just kept wondering what he would think of me if he saw me - whether he thought I was being a fraud, or not. (As with most break-ups, ours was not a pleasant affair. And maybe he's more mature than I am, but in my mind, he's still stuck as being that particular person, and I wasn't a particularly nice person back then. God knows why my friends stuck with me.)
I then saw someone a few rows ahead of me and found myself wondering whether the person was male or female... Clearly I was distracted from worship.
Anyway, then I heard God's small whisper, asking whether it mattered whether the person in front of me was male or female, or whether s/he was a trans-sexual, or had had a sex change, or was trans-gendered, if her/ his worship was heartfelt. And as I realised that it didn't, it struck me that it really doesn't matter what others think of me. What matters is what God thinks of me. I don't have to keep beating myself up for my past mistakes, or my past personality issues. What matters is how God sees me - right here and now. It really doesn't matter what other people think when they see me, or observe me - whether during worship or at any other time. What matters is what God thinks.
God knows I'm only human (not that that's any excuse, but he knows it anyway) and he knows whether I have been trying to live by the Spirit or not. He is the only one who is capable and authorised to judge, and I can trust him to judge not just fairly, but to judge in grace.
That's really freeing.
That also means I can stop trying to assess and judge others- which is also really freeing.
I know, I know - this is old news. But this morning, it became REAL to me in a fresh way. Now... let's see whether it's still real to me tomorrow morning, when the rubber meets the road.
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