Tuesday, March 22, 2011

4 years, and counting

I can't believe that on Thursday Zoe would be turning 4, if she had lived. Four. How different life would have been having two little girls, instead of a boy and a girl, and two children so close together, instead of 3.5yrs apart.

Part of me is still devastated to think about it. Part of me still wants to howl with frustration and longing. But most of me has come to accept it - it's just the way things are.

On Friday I went to hear R.T. Kendall preach. (WHAT a blessing - that man is SO gifted!! How I wish I could have been a congregant at Westminster Chapel while he was there.... It felt like a once in a million chance to do so - I mean, how often does someone of his calibre come to Cape Town?) He preached on the miracle that Peter and John performed when they healed the lame man. You know... "Silver and gold have I none"??

Peter and John went to pray.
they met a lame man on the way
He asked for alms and held out his palms,
and this is what Peter did say:
"Silver and gold have I none,
but such as I have give I you.
In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, in Jesus’ name rise up and walk.
The man went walking and leaping and praising God,
Walking and leaping and praising God,
“In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, In Jesus’ name rise up and walk”.

(Doesn't that song just take you back a generation or so?)

R.T. posed an interesting question - given that Jesus must have walked past this guy hundreds of times in his life, and certainly several times during his ministry, and given that he healed the lame at the Pool of Bethesda, why didn't Jesus heal this guy? Then R.T. posed another question - do you ever thank God for unanswered prayer? R.T. went on to explain that sometimes God choses not to answer our prayers because he has a better plan for us. In the case of this lame man, the better plan was to give Peter and John the opportunity to heal him, to give the fledgling church a platform from which to begin preaching, to increase the spread of the gospel.

It got me thinking. I've always wondered why God chose not to answer our prayers; why he chose to allow Zoe to die. Maybe the answer lies in what R.T. was teaching. Maybe it's because God had a better plan. I'm not sure what that plan might be, but I'm in a place now where I can accept that maybe her death was for the best.

I still miss her though. I guess I always will.

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