In reading last night's post, I was struck by how bitter I sounded about Ariana's birth. It's so hard to explain to people how two completely different emotions can war in your heart simultaneously. On the one hand, I'm absolutely thrilled at her birth and I can't wait to meet her. On the other, I'm left feeling bereft again. Ariana isn't Zoe, so I can rejoice at her birth and her life. Yet, her very presence reminds me of what I have lost.A while back, I believed that it got easier with time - dealing with the birth of any baby. I struggled not to be offhand with women on the baby loss forums I'm part of who were 5-10 years down the line who still struggled in this way. I just thought they were deliberately holding onto their grief, or something. I'm learning that nothing could be further from the truth.
I'm realising that every birth will be bitter-sweet for me, and learning that I'm just going to have to find a way of dealing with that. I don't want any new mother feeling she has to pussy-foot around me to spare my feelings, or that she needs to be less excited or less joyful around me because I've lost Zoe. On the contrary! The more joy, the more excitement, the better. I'm just going to have to remember to make time to cry and release my sadness so that it doesn't wind up souring the joy I, and they, feel.
And now for the other part of the circle...death. Tonight I discovered that the guy leading my Louis Group business course (Bruce) lost his daughter last year. She was 25, and had 2 small kids. Bruce & I chatted very briefly this evening about the pain of losing a child. His loss is compounded by the fact that his grandchildren are now motherless. We also talked about how grief like that really complicates matters in terms of faith - how both of us are really struggling to make sense of our loss.
And now back to life... Before my life fell apart, I was really trying to develop my leadership skills. I even managed to attend a course (back in 2003) in the USA, at which Bill Hybels spoke. (If you don't know who he is, it's worth Googling him and doing some reading.) I also read as much as I could get my eyes on, including a book by John Maxwell called 'Courageous Leadership'. That's a really inspiring book.
Last week, one of the first things Bruce said to us was that it was not an accident that we were on the course. My ears pricked up at that, because I hadn't expected to encounter God at a place like that. It made me wonder what God had in store for me.
Anyway, when my life fell apart, I forgot a lot of the basic principles I had learnt. It's very hard, for example, to get balance in your life when you're struggling to make the decision to live. In tonight's lectures, Bruce referred to both Bill Hybels and John Maxwell, and the influence they had had on his own leadership journey. Everything Bruce taught was straight from what Bill and John had written about or taught. It was all VERY familiar to me!
Hearing all that good stuff again made me realise a few things. Firstly, just how much I have to relearn. Secondly, just how badly I am leading myself at the moment (let alone leading my department or my family... or my business in time to come). Thirdly, that it really isn't an accident that I'm on this course. For whatever reason, God intends to meet me in that conference room, in those discussions about balance sheets and business plans. God has a plan for my life, and he wants me to be an effective leader. Since I'm not in church much, and since I don't really have the time to read books of any nature at the moment, this is the only way God is going to get me back on track.
As I was chatting to Graeme about it this evening, it also struck me that having my life fall apart was not a diversion. It was not a side-track, or an alternative route from A to B, nor was it an accident that should not have happened.
Rather, God deliberately led us down this path - not to harm us, but to develop us. God blessed us with Zoe, and then blessed us by taking her away. It's not the kind of blessing that results in spontaneous joy and laughter - quite the opposite. However, it was a blessing, none the less. Of that I have become certain tonight.
I can't tell you what it was that made me see that, and I can't explain how I know, but I know. Losing Zoe is an integral part of God's plan for us. Without her, God's plans for our lives will not be fulfilled. We will not become the people God intends us to be, nor will we be able to fulfil the roles he has picked out for us. And I will never become the leader God has designed me to be.
As I continue to learn the lessons of grief, God has started building back into my life the lessons of leadership that I thought I'd learnt before. The question now is: what will I do differently tomorrow because of what I have learnt (been reminded of) today?
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