Joy and tears

I knew he was big, large even, but when presented with the evidence of his actual size, I must say I was shocked. Shocked, and pleased. That's my boy, I thought!

Yes, despite all his reflux issues, he's grow 2cm in length already, and he's now 5.1kg. That puts him on the 75th percentile, more or less. What a big boy!!

With every joy though, comes a hurt. Several months back now, a friend blogged about something she realised with her little boy when he reached about 6 months (I think it was around then). He has Rubinstein-Taybi, which is a rare genetic disorder. The upshot of that is that his development is greatly delayed. In some cases, he may never develop properly. Anyway, at around 6 months (or was it 4?) he suddenly started doing what most newborns do around 6 weeks. She blogged about how she suddenly realised why she'd been feeling so depressed and disconnected from her son. She realised that smiling, making eye contact and cooing facilitate the bonding process. If your baby smiles at you, you can't but help smile back and your love for them grows. When they don't connect with you in any way, it's very difficult to continue to feel love for them.

While chatting to our paediatrician today, it struck me that Nathan hasn't yet smiled, or cooed. I know it's early days, and this means nothing in the greater scheme of things, yet it upset me. I realised that I've often thought (and sometimes commented) on my friends' photos of their babies how happy they seem, how sweet their smile is, etc. Their babies are around the same age as Nathan. My poor boy is either asleep, feeding, or crying. He never just lies and looks around at his environment. He has yet to smile at me (or anyone else). He has yet to start making any sound other than a cry. This depresses me. It also makes me realise how difficult it is caring for someone who can't respond in a positive way. I've only been at this for 6 weeks. I can't imagine how Matt's mom coped for all those months. I guess you do because you have to, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't wait to see Nate's face light up with joy, or pleasure of any sort. It makes me so sad that thus far his waking life has only been filled with pain.

But this too shall pass. He will recover. He will know happiness and joy. He will smile and laugh and giggle. I just hope and pray that this very painful start to life doesn't mean he will be a more serious child, less prone to laughing. I want him to be a happy-go-lucky kind of child, but I fear that isn't going to be the case.

(And of course, because I'm who I am, and because I'm his mother, I feel guilty as if this is all my fault, because really, I feel like it is. I feel that if I were someone who laughed more easily he would be too, that we could have avoided all this reflux and colic... and yes, subconsciously there is a part of me that believes all his issues are a direct result of the stress I was under while I was pregnant with him and during labour.)

A friend suggested I take him to a chiropractor. The paed has asked that I wait a week, to see whether the medication will help, or to what extent the medication will help. I don't know what to do - I just want my little boy to be pain free, to be able to sleep without disturbance, to be able to have the energy to interact with me or Graeme or Nellie and with his environment, to be free to grow into all that he can be.