Scan baby

Here's the scan photo from the 23rd Dec. What I didn't share with anyone was the fact that for several days leading up to the scan I was convinced the baby was already dead, so it came as rather a pleasant surprise for me that the heart was still beating! Don't ask why, I don't know, but I did.

I'm now attributing the presence of ongoing nausea to the Clexane I'm taking, as it leaves the most foul taste in my mouth (did you know that you can taste injections done anywhere in your body a few seconds to minutes later?) for hours afterwards, and then I get the same foul taste as it's busy wearing off - so leading up to the next injection.

As a result of thinking the nausea is brought on by the meds, rather than the baby, I've found myself having dead baby thoughts again. We're not yet at the stage of feeling movement (although officially that starts next weekend), although I am convinced I felt 3 little kicks at 11 weeks (and nothing since). I'm probably getting paranoid because I can't feel anything yet, so I have no means of telling that this baby is still alive. The little machine that a friend bought me (to hear the heart beat) only works during the 3rd trimester, so at the moment I have nothing to help quell the fears, apart from reason and logic - which doesn't really help as I'm an emotional person (rather than a logical person). If you're into Myers-Briggs, I'm an N.

Anyway, back to the photo....
The black dot you can see in the chest area is the heart - or part of it at least.

Given that my cycles are irregular, the measurements taken indicate that my due date is earlier than anticipated - 4th July now. This will be confirmed next month (at my 20 week scan, I'm now 15 weeks). At that point, we will be able to book the induction date, assuming, of course, that I don't go into labour at week 33 again. In my head, I'm working on the basis that it will, and trying to be prepared for that. Then, if it doesn't, I get to enjoy a further 3 weeks before we do actually have the labour.

I'm not looking forward to that, I have to say. My first was horrendous - your worst nightmare kind of stuff. My second was done while I was high on drugs, and that STILL hurt. For this one, I don't want an epidural if I can last, but I honestly don't know.... The idea of having yet ANOTHER needle in me, after I've been sticking myself on a daily basis, and this one into my spine... it doesn't fill me with joy, I have to say, pain relief or not.

I've also caught myself actively trying not to bond, to disengage from this baby. I guess it's a subconscious survival tactic. My worry is that the baby is aware of that, and that it will affect things after the birth - either that the baby will feel unloved, or that I won't be able to bond with it properly. It's not that I don't want this child, but I just don't want to fall in love with it if God's going to take it away again.

I can't focus on choosing a name, although, oddly, I have already decided this one is another girl and I keep catching myself talking to Nellie about her new baby sister. I have to stop that - at least until we know for sure what the sex is.

Guess what? If 36 weeks is my version of full term, then I'm only 2 weeks away from half way! How weird is that?! And, I already look like I'm 5 months pregnant, if not more. Although I do have a lovely tyre around my middle normally (I thank my mother's side of the family for that), even if you discount that fat, I look seriously pregnant. I've given up trying to suck my tummy in... and I'm reconciling myself to the idea that my body will never look like either of two of my sisters-in-law's. Both of them look like they've never had a baby in their lives, and one has had 3 children already! It's enough to make one ill, but I'm not jealous... no, not me! Never!! Just give me a sec to twist that pin on my voodoo doll... (joke! seriously!)

I'm a little bit nervous about heading back to school being so obviously pregnant now. Part of me wants the kids to know nothing at all until I either do or don't have a baby in my arms. I'm nervous about the questions, about how they will respond, about whether they will still take me seriously. All silly stuff, really, and I know that, but I'm still nervous about it.

So, on reflection, my reaction to this pregnancy is affected by Zoe in ways I hadn't anticipated. I'd expected feelings of hate, or dread, or being weepy all the time about Zoe. I hadn't anticipated this stuff. Isn't it amazing how the mind and soul work?