The next chapter

Interesting times... that's what these are.

After a very successful counselling session, I've realised just how much progress I've made in grieving over the past few months. I still don't have answers - I still don't understand why a loving and good God would allow Zoe to die, especially after all the prayers that had been offered up for her. I still don't see how to reconcile those two facts. But I'm getting to the point where I can accept that it is a mystery I will probably never solve. As a result, I have a lot more energy to spend on other matters.

Last night, for example, we had the energy to watch a DVD made for us at our leaving party in June 2007. In it, friends who attended the party recorded little messages of blessing and farewell for us. Until now, we haven't had the emotional energy to watch. Needless to say, we cried in watching it, but it was so incredible to 'see' all our friends again, and to hear them. It made me realise afresh what an amazing community we were part of in London, and how much I treasure the people still there - despite the distance and lack of communication. But it didn't make me want to jump on a plane and head back. That's what I found so surprising. I miss them terribly, and I want to be with them, but actually, this is my life now, and I'm ok with that.

We've started planning our anniversary party - this year it will be 10 years! I can't believe it. I can remember when my eldest brother reached this milestone. I remember being shocked by how OLD he was. Now I'm there. Does that make ME old now as well? In many respects I feel old, very old. If you haven't received either an email or a Facebook invite to our party, then please do email me, or message me on FB, or text/ sms me! It's hard to keep track of everyone we've invited as the invites span the globe (USA, UK, NZ, Australia, Mozambique, Zimbabwe, and SA too).

As many of you are aware, I'm desparate to fall pregnant again. However, doing so at the moment would be the wrong thing for many reasons, not least of which is financial. Before I do fall pregnant again though I have to be in tip top form physically, to give the baby every possible chance of survival. I need to lose a bunch of weight (I'm hoping to lose 10 kgs/ 22 pounds at least). So, I've started cycling to work (it's only a 3 minute cycle, so it's not a big thing, but every little helps) and reducing my portion sizes (I haven't yet got the motivation to restrict my diet in any other way). I've also got my rollerblades out of the cupboard! I'm very proud of myself, that I'm actually DOING something about it, instead of just talking about needing to do it. Now for the stickability factor....!

All round it seems like I'm starting a new chapter. My grief is receding. My energy levels are up. I have a focus and purpose. We even went back to church for the first time on Sunday! (OK, so that was because I was on creche duty, but at least we were back in the building!) Yup, definitely feels like a new year and a new chapter.