Another couple at church, Sam and Sara, who are friends of ours, were due a week before us. They gave birth to Ella Grace this morning, a few days early. We're both thrilled for them - Ella is their first child! I remember when Nellie was born - despite all the trauma surrounding her birth, the joy we both felt was unlike anything we'd ever felt before. Lying in the hospital bed, cradling this tiny little person, knowing that she belonged to you... feeling the rush of love every time you looked into her little face. It's an incredible time, a blessed time. So we celebrate Ella's birth with them, and give thanks for her.
Yet, at the same time, feeling this joy over Ella's birth only brings home to me the loss of Zoe. I should be cradling a little baby girl now too. Sara and I should be swapping birth stories and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over tiny feet and hands. Instead, my arms are empty.
This morning I unpacked the baby bag we took to hospital with us and put Zoe's clothes away. I never thought such a small action would be so painful.
Despite taking medication to make my milk dry up, on Wednesday it came in. That was very painful. Now, as if that weren't enough to deal with, I have developed mastitis. Without meaning to sound like a little child, it just isn't fair! I know God never promised us an easy life; quite the opposite in fact, but none of this is fair, or right, or just, or makes any sense.
I miss my baby.
2 comments:
I just this morning have read about all that you have been through in the past week... oh my heart breaks for you! I can't imagine what this must be like.
You are all in my prayers. I wish I could be there with you on the 10th just to stand with you.
Thank you for sharing so honestly: the heartache, as well as the glimpses of grace He is giving in the midst of it all.
With much love,
B
my heart goes out to you - that simple task of unpacking the bag must have been heart breaking
take time to grieve
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