Grief

After visiting the funeral directors today, we took Nellie to the hospital to meet Zoe. Her reaction was very telling, but ultimately very cathartic for all of us I think. We took some lovely photos of the 4 of us, which I suspect will become very important to us in years to come; even more so than they are today.

For the first time, a few things really fell into place for me. The bereavement support midwife we saw was able to tell us that 5-8 out of every 1000 full-term births (which ours is considered) are stillbirths. That's statistically quite high, and certainly higher than one would imagine at this late stage of pregnancy. In addition, the level has not changed since the early 1980's, despite all the advances in medical science and technology, and, as if that wasn't incredible enough, there is no reason that science can give for them. It's like cot death in small babies.

So, she warned us not to expect anything from the autopsy. Her investigation so far (the midwifery team do an independent investigation to that of the doctors and the pathology lab) leads her to conclude that Zoe was still alive on Friday morning, and that there is no medical reason for her death.

While that's really hard to hear, it's also comforting, because it means that nothing I did, or failed to do, had any bearing on Zoe's survival. People have already told me that, but it's one thing hearing it from someone who just wants to make me feel better, and quite another hearing it from a medical professional.

As a mother, that's also important for me to hear, because my sole job in this pregnancy process was to nurture Zoe to full health and and then to give birth to her. Inasmuch as I was unable to do that, I have felt personally responsible for her death. Now... now at least I can consider the fact that maybe I'm not to blame, and maybe there really was nothing I could have done to prevent this, and that maybe God is not punishing me (and us) for some sin. So while it's hard to hear that there is very likely no medical reason for Zoe's death, it is actually very helpful for me to hear that too.

Tomorrow we register Zoe's birth and death, and then finalise arrangements with the funeral directors. We won't be able to get Zoe's body back till next Monday, so in all likelihood the funeral will have to wait till after Easter. Not ideal, but there's not much we can do about it.