Learning to say 'no'

Saying 'no' is often the hardest thing to do. It requires self-control. It also requires self-knowledge not coloured by pride, by fear, by desire, by greed... The discussion about learning to say no is something I return to a lot (most recently here), because it's something I struggle with. It was with some interest, therefore, that I read a blogpost on Buffer about learning to say no to distraction and temptation.

Essentially, the post was about a study done investigating the thought processes that enabled some people to be more effective at saying no. Essentially, it revolves around self-talk: replacing "can't" with "don't". When someone says they "can't" do something, the self-talk indicates they are powerless to do something, so they become powerless. When someone says they "don't" do something, the self-talk indicates they are powerful, choosing not to do something, which further enables them to make the same choice again at a later stage.

As with many truths, when reading that, the wisdom in it seems so self-evident. When I read it, my reaction was "of course!", but it's not something that occurred to me until it was explained to me.

I've been trying to run at least twice a week since the start of the year - with greater and lesser success in different weeks. One thing I've learnt is that on days when it is hardest to get up, the thing that has motivated me has been positive self-talk: You ARE going to get fit; you WILL lose the weight; you CAN do this; you WILL do this. When the self-talk is negative (I don't want to do this; I can't do this; I don't want to do this) it becomes impossible to do it.

Once I'm actually running, and want to give up because it hurts too much, if my self-talk is positive (you CAN make it to that tree/ pole/ bench) I usually make it beyond the goal I've set myself. When it's negative, I stop before I've even realised I'm going to.

So my own experience bears this out.

It's not: I can't eat that chocolate. I can't eat wheat. I can't miss my morning runs.

It is: I don't need that chocolate. I don't eat wheat. I don't miss my morning runs.

I am CHOOSING my behaviour. I am CHOOSING my future.

In a way, it's like any addict. Addicts will tell you that in that moment of craving, they have to make a choice - either to choose to do drugs again, or to choose to walk away. That's the only choice they have. They can't control the cravings, but they can control their response to their cravings.

While I am not an addict, the same truth holds for me. I can't stop the temptation - but I can choose my response to it.

In fact, the same holds true for my walk with God. I can't stop the temptations that would otherwise stop me from spending time with him, or praying. However, I can choose my response. I can choose to give in, or I can choose not to give in. Of course, that makes it sound so easy to do. Sometimes it's anything but easy. That's why Jesus said the road to life was the narrow, rocky one; the one most people wouldn't choose; and the road to hell was the wide, nicely paved one; the one that most people would choose because it was easy to follow.

The power to choose is, I believe, what makes us unique. In the Garden of Eden, God made humans in his image - the ability to choose our behaviour is part of that image. We chose not to obey. We chose to follow the wide road. Jesus chose his behaviour too. He chose to come to earth as a weak human, and to submit to a cruel death, one that should have been mine.

No doubt, the temptations he faced in his life were harder than anything I have, or will, face - ultimate earthly power and glory, to meet his own needs using supernatural power, to know the love found in a marriage, to have children, to save himself from a gruesome death... yet at each point, at each temptation, he chose not to give in. Jesus' choices, as recorded in the Bible, often reveal his self-talk, and interestingly, it was often of the nature of: "I don't do that. I don't want that. I don't need that."

So, my New Year's resolution, my personal challenge, was to get 7 hrs sleep a night and to run twice a week. This term, my challenge will be to change my self-talk. My Easter challenge to myself is to consciously have more positive self-talk - to replace my can'ts with more don'ts. What's yours?

What's it feel like to be a hamster?

Two weeks into school, and already it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running and running and running, but getting nowhere. This is NOT the way life is meant to be. I've already got sick - a cold and laryngitis. Looking ahead, life continues to be busy right through to June. Something has to change. I can't have another year like last year.

If you've read my previous posts, you'll be aware that I have two new year's resolutions - firstly, to get 7 hours of sleep a night, and secondly, to lose weight (both to avoid developing diabetes and to just feel better about myself) by changing my diet and exercising more.

To be honest, my determination to stick to them is being tested to the limit. I have so much work to do that it's tempting to give up on exercise and stay up late to have enough time to finish everything. As my stress levels rise, my desire to comfort eat and to eat easy-to-cook meals (that contain wheat or sugar) rise too.

I'm proud of myself though - I've lost 3kgs already in about 3 weeks. Only 7 more to go to reach my goal. I know the closer to my goal I get, the more difficult it will be to lose them. I can't give up now. If there's nothing I can do about the busy-ness of my life, then I have to protect both my diet and my rest (exercise) time, or I will burn out.

I'm learning an important lesson here. While I'm exercising, I'm tempted to give up, or not to push too hard. Yet, I'm learning how to focus on small goals - the next tree, or light pole, or street corner, or bench - to keep running and not to give up just yet. I've learnt that I can run further than I thought I could, if I focus on small goals.

In this season of hamster living, I need to focus on the small things. To stick to my plan, I can't focus on the end goal. I need to focus on the next small step. What is that step? It's a day and a week at a time.

TONIGHT: I will get 7 hours sleep.
TOMORROW: I will eat heathily. I will try to walk my 10 000 steps, I will drink lots of water and I will NOT, I repeat: I will NOT feel guilty if the work cannot be completed in the hours that God has given for work to be done.

Down the rabbit hole: Lessons in life

The saga of our fence continues. I've finally decided that it's time to tell you about it.

After we bought the house, and before we moved in, our house was burgled 3 times in 3 years. This is mainly because the house is at the end of the row, so is more accessible. Despite our 6ft wall around the back of the development, people hop over the fence and use our road as a shortcut to get to Langa station, because the only entrances and exits to Pinelands are on Forest Drive, which is miles away. One of their favourite spots for hopping the wall is right next to our back fence. (You have to give them credit for ingenuity though - they use an earthing wire to pull themselves up and over - a bit like spiderman...)

Understandably then, I was very nervous about moving into the house. In order to increase our security we put up a palisade fence around the front of the house. What we didn't do though, was follow the plans. (Lesson #1: Read the plans/ instruction manual FIRST. Seriously. It may save you heartache and money. Don't be so bloody male about everything and dive in head first.)

We put the fence up right on the kerb. (Let's be clear about this - G had NOTHING to do with this decision. I accept full responsibility for the fence's position.) Our street boundary is about 4.5m or 5m from the kerb, at the edge of our garage. Given how easy it is to break through our garage door (which would give easy access to the house), I didn't want to make it easy for that to happen. I wanted to be able to work in the garage, with the garage door open, but still be safe and secure. I also wanted to be able to park both cars behind a security fence. Neither of those things are possible if you put the fence on the boundary. (And with a baby in the house, security is really important to me... and of course, there's the fact that I'm a woman, and my maid is a woman, and rape really isn't a pleasant experience for women.)

In addition, I don't want people walking across my driveway to go around the corner and hop over the development wall. We already have a problem with vagrants sleeping against our garage wall and leaving their faeces and rubbish behind (my dogs love it, but me? not so much). I didn't want them to be able to use my driveway as well (here lies MY boundary).

Someone complained about our fence. I'm fairly sure I know who it is (I know who you are and I know where you live!), because in the first few months of us being here (starting during our renovation works before we actually moved in) we had several complaints. If I'm right, this person just likes to complain about everything and is a general neighbourhood nuisance. (Shame on you!) (Lesson #2: Neighbours in a small neighbourhood know EVERYTHING. "We, Toys, see EVERYTHING.")

However, the complaint did make a valid point that I didn't consider when we erected the fence: being on the kerb means drivers have to slow down as they go around the blind corner. (Of course, drivers should be slowing down anyway, but some don't.) If two cars were to pass each other in front of our house (which is RIGHT on the corner), and one was to veer past the mid-line (as happens when you don't slow down around a blind corner), then the other car would bash its side view mirror on our fence if it tried to veer out of the way. (Lesson #3: Don't be so bloodyminded all the time, Woman - ask others for advice before making major decisions, because maybe they know or can see a side to something you can't or haven't.)

In retrospect, I should have put the fence 50cm from the kerb to avoid that problem. (Lesson #4: I can actually admit when I've made a mistake. Even if it takes me several months to get there. Eventually, I'll admit it.) If I had, then whoever complained probably never would have. Maybe. Anyway!

As a result of the complaint, we received a visit from the council, who immediately sent us a demand letter giving us 10 days to move our fence. The threat was that if we didn't, they would, and they'd bill us for it. I duly wrote to them to explain why the fence was where it is. I explained that I would be happy to move the fence back by 50cm or so, but I was not happy to move it back to the boundary, for the reasons I've outlined above. I also said that I didn't have the money to move the fence at the moment, and that if they did it and billed us, we would not be able to pay them either.

The council replied to say, in effect, "tough". (Lesson #5: The council doesn't care. Ever.)

We then looked at leasing a portion of the verge, but it will cost us R5000 to apply, several months to process, and there is no guarantee our application will be successful. (The monthly fee is quite small, so it would be feasible from that perspective.) R5000 is a lot of money to just throw away like that if the application is unsuccessful. Plus, in the meantime, we would still have to move the fence back to our boundary and then move it forwards again if our application was successful. (Talk about a las... I really should just have put the fence 50cm from the kerb.) (Lesson #6: see Lesson #1)

Off I went then, to double check with the council that the street boundary was where it appears on the plan, because 5m is a LOT further from the kerb than is normal (2.5m - 3m is usual). That investigation was delayed while the council tried to find their copies of our plans (our copies went missing during the kitchen renovation). After several days, the plans arrived. I scrutinised them and discovered that (shock! horror!) either everyone else also has their fences in illegal positions, or the plans are wrong. (Lesson #7: Even bad stuff can have a positive spin off...)

So today I went back to the council, with my dearest dad in tow (as he's a surveyor by trade) to help me. (Let me play the dumb blonde!) (Lesson #8: Parents never stop being needed. Children are a responsibility for LIFE. Like a life sentence, but longer, more complicated and more expensive.) What we discovered is that Field Close is, almost certainly, a private road (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!) (Lesson #9: Expect the unexpected), but that the legalities of setting up the Home Owners' Association were never followed through on. While the legal bungle is fine by me (HOAs are always a pain), what that means is that - if we're right and the road is a private one - we don't have to move the fence!!! (Lesson #10: Council screw up a lot. If you catch them at it, you can save your ass.)

Hooray!!

Of course, if our street IS private, then that means we own the council money anyway, for back taxes for rates on the verges which we (and they!) didn't know we owned. And that could work out to be quite a hefty sum. Boo! (Lesson # 11: Council always get their pound of flesh, one way or the other.)

If our street is private, then I think we'll go ahead and move the fence back 50cm anyway, to appease our neighbours. I can live with 50cm - it means we can still park a 2nd car behind the gate and it means I can work in the garage with the door open and not feel at risk, but it still keeps the vagrants and their mess off my driveway. And if it keeps Old Complainer off our backs, then that's not a bad thing either.

So now the ball is in the council's court again. It'll be interesting to see how they respond. Of course, it may be that our street isn't private after all (in which case, the council plans of our suburb are wrong!). But until the matter is resolved, the fence stays where it is. (Lesson #12: Perseverance wins the day.)

Teenagers and alcohol abuse

We (the staff) had the most fascinating presentation at school today about teenagers and alcohol abuse. It was delivered by a research psychologist working at a local private high school. In retrospect, I can remember hearing a lot about the kids at this school, and the SERIOUS drink problem they had, so it doesn't surprise me that they've hired this chap and that he's trying to find a way forward.

Actually, the presentation wasn't just fascinating, it was terrifying in terms of the implications. One of his main points was about how important it is that parents set clear boundaries and then HOLD TO THEM. The effects of teen drinking on brain and hormonal development are significant. Alcohol apparently has completely different effects on teens in comparison to adults, which explains a lot of their behaviour. The scary thing is that it does have a permanent effect - it destroys a teenager's ability to concentrate, which affects both the long-term memory and the working memory. In lay-man's terms, it really DOES make teenagers stupid. Unlike many of the body's other restorative abilities, once this damage is done, it is permanent and irreparable.

What scared me is thinking about Janel and her future. I know I made some really big mistakes in my life and I want to protect her from making the same sorts of mistakes. The ones I made were, I now realise, a direct consequence of being a teenager. The way that a teenager's brain, body and emotions are developing makes them prone to certain flaws.

But I digress. As I was listening to the presentation, I found myself thinking that in the same way there has been a deterioration in the abuse of alcohol by teenagers since I was a teen, there will (probably) be further deterioration between now and when Nellie is a teen. Thinking that, I suddenly began to feel daunted by the immense task of parenting. How will I keep her safe? How will I create open communication with her that will allow Graeme and I to keep her safe? How will I ensure that whatever boundaries we put in place are not only reasonable, but within our abilities to hold firm?

These are not things I really thought about when we were thinking about falling pregnant! And if I had, I doubt they would have had the import they do now (Janel is not just another child - she is my precious little angel). Yet, they are important questions. Already there are times when sticking to the boundaries we've set is difficult - and she's not yet 3. How on earth will we manage when she's a teen?

Parenting is definitely not for the faint-hearted. Let's hope and pray that Graeme and I manage to stumble through this parenting maze with sufficient grace to ward off the worst of the nightmare situations that could occur. If nothing else, it really amazes me that our parents didn't screw up more with us, that they got it so right so often with us! It really makes me appreciate their brilliance even more.

So let's here it for parents the world over: three cheers... hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!