Thursday, April 11, 2013

The sins of the fathers...

Every family has its weakness or weaknesses. Every family is imperfect. Every family is filled with sinners. The result? Every family winds up causing harm to themselves. Whether it's words that cut to the bone, rejecting and isolating one another, or physically harming one another, every family hurts themselves.

As I was driving home tonight, I was pondering the sins of the fathers being visited on the children. I was pondering how the sin in each of us causes us to hurt those we love, which in turn sets up cycles of pain, hurt, and violence, that continue on to the next generation.

"How innumerable are the sources of sorrow here [sorrow for the loss of property or friends; sorrow for disappointment, persecution, or care; sorrow over our sins, or sorrow that we love God so little, and serve him so unfaithfully; sorrow that we are sick, or that we must die]; how constant is it on the earth! Since the fall of man there has not been a day, an hour, a moment, in which this has not been a sorrowful world; there has not been a nation, a tribe - a city or a village - nay, not a family, where there has not been grief. There has been no individual who has been always perfectly happy. No one rises in the morning with any certainty that he may not end the day in grief; no one lies down at night with any assurance that it may not be a night of sorrow." Barnes' Notes on the Bible discussing Rev 21: 4

Being part of a blended family is not easy. At the best of times, it works really well. In other cases, you simply ignore one another and move on. In the worst of cases, you're unable to move on, unable to ignore them, and are constantly in battle with them. Blended families are anything but easy.

I've always struggled with finding my place within my family. Maybe it's because I'm the only child from my parents' marriage. All my siblings have their own full siblings. Not me. I only have half-siblings and step-siblings. Maybe it's just that I'm too self-absorbed. Maybe it's that in my heart of hearts I have a low self-esteem. Maybe this is something that every child struggles with, no matter which family they are in. Maybe it's none of those, or all of them. I don't know.

I can't just let go, close my heart to them, walk away. I love them too much. I want nothing more than to feel that I belong fully to this family. Yet, often I feel as if I've been deliberately excluded. It's probably not true, it's probably just a perception thing, but my perception is my reality. And it hurts.

For e.g. I will find out that several of the family are having a meal together, and we've not been invited. Looking at it rationally, I know that hosting the whole family for supper is a logistical nightmare. I know that therefore having meals in smaller groups is the best way for us to get together. I know that. But when I see that several  of my siblings are there, and we haven't been invited (which happens from time to time, judging by the cars I see parked outside), it stings.

It stings when it seems that every effort on my part to spend time with my family is rebuffed. My requests are ignored, my messages go without a reply. When momentous family news occurs, I find out via the grapevine, third-hand. Maybe there are valid reasons for these things - genuine busy-ness, not getting my messages, or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that how I perceive it is that I am being deliberately excluded.

We moved 6000 miles to be closer to home to be able to spend more time with the family, and to feel like we've been excluded like that... well, it hurts. What hurts more is that I worry my kids are being excluded. If the family has an issue with me which is causing them to exclude me, well, that's one thing, but for them to make my kids suffer as a result, to exclude my children because of their issues with me... that's feels unforgivable. Likewise, I feel that my nieces and nephews are also losing out - both on having their aunt and uncle around, but also on the relationships with their cousins.

As I was thinking about all this on my drive home this afternoon, initially I thought that I wouldn't have to face these issues if my folks hadn't got divorced the first time. Of course, in that case, I wouldn't be here either as they wouldn't have married each other! But then it struck me that I guess what I am really looking for is an Acts community. I want a family that does life together, that is a real community.

The sins of one generation really are visited on the subsequent generations - not because God is actively punishing the subsequent generations, but because the repercussions of sin are far-reaching. Sin, that penchant we all have for doing the wrong thing, or failing to do the right thing, results in the break down of community, of relationship. And breakdowns, break-ups, they hurt.

Jodi Picoult has made herself a fortune writing about this sort of thing. She excels in writing about how the sins of the fathers are visited on the children. Many of her novels are about the ways in which people have hurt one another, and the repercussions on family life. That sounds disparaging. I should point out that I love Jodi Picoult's books! I love both her style of writing and the topics she chooses as the themes for her books.

I was overwhelmed again by the pain of all this as I was driving home. In my heart, I found myself crying out to God to ask when this pain will end. In some ways, it feels like the grief of losing Zoe. It's not something that ever goes away. I guess one just learns to live around it, to find joy despite this pain. In many ways, I wish I didn't adore my family so much. It would make it so much easier to walk away and not care... Our family is broken, and the wrongness of it all tears at the very fabric of my soul.

Thank God for the Revelation passage (21:4). Thank God that there will come a day when this will all be a thing of the past, when all this will stop hurting, when my identity will be perfectly found in Jesus and the family that is the Church, when families will no longer be broken, when relationships will no longer flounder on the rocks of selfish sinfulness.

Maranatha! Today, more than most days, I want Jesus to return. I want this life to end. I want this pain to stop. For a while now, life has felt like I'm breathing treacle, and I want it to stop. I am often overwhelmed by the pain around me, by the destructive nature of humans (myself included!), by the way I see us tearing strips off each other, like some vicious dogs in a fight to the death. I just want it all to stop. I just want us all to be one big happy family, to just do the right thing, to just love each other, to see the bigger picture, to see the likeness of God in each other and respond to that.

Pie in the sky? No, I just ache for Jesus' return. I ache for the time when every knee will bow, and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord, to the glory of God the Father, so that every tear will be wiped away, every hurt healed, and grief and death will be no more, when the pain of losing Zoe and the pain of my broken family, will be healed and will cease to exist, when this hole inside me is completely filled.

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