Day 03: Something to forgive yourself for

From easy to impossible in one easy step. Remember back on Day 01's post I told you that I couldn't really talk about the thing I hate about myself. Well, that's a thing I need to forgive myself for too... Not the fact that I hate myself, but the actual thing I hate. It's a character flaw (and I just hate having to reveal my flaws...) and while I'm trying to work on it (and believe me, I have to!) I often still get it wrong. And I have to forgive myself for it. I'm not sure that others do, but that's not really my problem (except that it makes life VERY difficult for all concerned). I somehow need to be able to accept myself, flaws and all, and forgive myself for being human.

Some days, when I consider how I have messed up (in my head, that was a MUCH stronger word...), yet again (I go through phases when it feels like every other week or day I'm messing up), I feel physically ill. I can't sleep. I feel nauseous. I have mild (and thankfully, they are only mild) panic attacks. I am overwhelmed by a desire to run away. Not even crying about it helps - it only makes me feel more desperate. I feel trapped in my own skin with nowhere to run or hide. I feel exposed. I feel guilty and remorseful for the pain I've caused. I feel wretched, actually.

But life goes on, and if I am to go on with it, I have to forgive myself.

"How many times should I forgive my [self]? Seven times or seventy?"

"Seven times seventy."

But how? When I keep making the same errors, when my character fails to show the light of Christ in this area, how do I forgive myself? Surely my continued sin in this area makes a mockery of Jesus' death?

I keep reminding myself that Jesus knew all about my repeating sins, my character flaws and my pathetic attempts to walk in the narrow way, and that his death covers it all. I just need to continue to try.

So - try I will. And pray that at some point my character flaw will become imbued with the character of Christ.