Over my shoulder

Why is it that our culture says the past is behind us? Surely, since 'hindsight' is 20/20, and you can't see behind yourself, our past should actually be in front of us, with us walking blindly backwards into the future??

Whatever the reason, with tomorrow being my birthday, I thought it appropriate to reflect on the past.

We've been home now for nearly 1.5 years. In that time, we have both settled into our respective jobs, and Nellie has settled into nursery. We still aren't living in THE house, but we're getting there. We have accumulated all the various bits of junk from various storage places, and assimilated it into a household. We have acquired pets. We are expecting another child. We are close to settling into a church. I have just about finished my part-time business management course, and LL is taking off.

It all feels... well, I'm not sure how it feels. It just is. But it 'is' in a good way. (It is rather hard to think positively about anything, I admit, when you feel this constant need/ desire to vomit.)

Looking back over the past year in management, I think I've grown a lot. For one thing, I've learnt to relax a bit more, and not to let things stress me out so much. (A good lesson in anyone's books.) I've also learnt a bit more about delegation. Change is always hard, and I take my hat off to my department. My goals are quite different to my predecessor, and they didn't have a voice in appointing me, so they've had rather a lot of change thrown at them. Not to mention having to put up with my inexperience and mistakes along the way. But we've come through it, and I think we're going to be much better off next year.

This year, there were 7 teachers in the department, and we've had 3 different technicians. It has made communication harder, and it has made the work load more difficult, because most people have been working in 3 departments, with 3 different sets of goals. One of the things I've specifically requested for next year is to try and get people to only work in 2 departments at most. We have been able to do this, which means that we are losing several people as they move over completely to another department. I think this will be a good thing, but of course, that remains to be seen.

Doing the business course has been hard work. It has meant one night of lectures per week, plus a study group meeting every Sat afternoon, plus time to complete homework. It's been good, but I will be very pleased when it is over and I can get that time back to myself (or back to my family, actually). I think there are a few things I will take from the course - that leaders must be godly in all they do (in every interaction); a vague understanding of how business finances work; and a strengthened determination not to let my business fail. I'm also hoping that I will have an investor to boot, but I'm not holding my breath - not counting my chickens, and all that.

It struck me that I have been pregnant for 3 out of my last 4 birthdays: 2005, 2006 and 2008. Therefore, it is not surprising that I seem to have got into a habit of not really celebrating in a massive way. It just feels like more effort than I have energy for (which if you know me, and how much I love presents and fuss, you will understand is a pretty big deal). I am determined that this will be the last pregnancy, and therefore the last birthday that goes un-properly celebrated. (Is there such a word??)

Speaking of which, I was thrilled to receive the news last night that Discovery will cover the full costs of my medication for the duration of the pregnancy. Thank God. Really. Once again, I am convinced that God's plans for this child include a live birth and a long life, and that fills me with great hope and joy. It also fills me with great paranoia - because I believed exactly the same thing with Zoe... and fat lot of use it did me then! But somehow, contrary to any logic, I believe that this time will be different. I hope it. I pray it.

Over the past year, Nellie has grown into a lovely little girl, who loves cuddles and tickles, reading stories and watching TV. The terrible twos seem set to continue though, as recent additions to family life include slamming doors and growling at you when she's really, really mad with you. But underneath it all, I see a loving, generous little girl developing. I just hope and pray that we can encourage that side of her nature, rather than the sometimes selfish toddler behaviour we see. She continues to be curious about everyone and everything around her, and can get quite indignant if you aren't able to answer her questions. I see now why parents resort to the 'because I said so' refrain! But she's at the stage of learning that asking 'Why?' can actually be a game, and she's starting to tease us - and it is so incredible to see this new side of her develop. Having children really is a privilege and a joy!

And finally, looking back over the past year with my darling husband, I see many things I wish I could do differently. In the midst of all the change, he has continued to be my rock. His self-less giving has enabled me to focus on the business, my studies and my first year as HoS. How does one put into words the gratitude that goes with such sacrifice? If I have one goal for the coming year, it is to try and give back to him all the time we missed out on together. This year, I want to make him my priority. I couldn't have done and achieved all that I did without his love and support. He truly has been a model of Christ to me this past year.

There have been low points during the past year, but I don't want to dwell on those. There is more than enough negativity in the world. Equally, this year has not been easy - far from it! Apart from grieving Zoe, this has been the toughest year of my life to date. Rather than groan about it though, I want to celebrate, because this past year has also been an incredible one - full of new things to learn, new people to meet, new experiences to have. Coming home has definitely been good for me, and I look forward to another good year, God willing.

So thank you, Lord, for all your blessings this past year. Thank you for everything you have taught me and shown me. Thank you for all the ways you have encouraged me, and challenged me. Thank you for all the ways in which you have brought me incredible joy.